I'm the step mom--do I get a vote?

[Anonymous]

The thread on step mom's finance's got me thinking. My step daughter is a C student. She has a 2.7 GPA. She is a jr and has not taken the SATs yet. On the other thread, people commented that my income is taken into consideration for FAFSA. Her bio mom does not work. My husband still fully supports their household and will continue to do so until the youngest child turns 18. The expectation is that DH and I will pay for college. There is no 529 set up for college.

She is looking at private colleges with high acceptance rates for C students. These colleges will cost $40-50K/yr and are school names I've never heard of. If I was her bio mom or her guidance counselor, I would strongly encourage her to consider community college. However, she feels this is beneath her. I'm all for sending her to a public state school. I just can't see the benefit of paying double for a private education.

So, since my income gets considered as part of the FASFA and my income will be going towards paying for her college---do I get a vote in where she goes?

[Anonymous]

You need to express your concerns to your DH. After that, he deals with it.

[Anonymous]

If her grades are that low she might not get into state schools.

[Anonymous]

You may have to talk to your husband about this, but I would have him tell her the same thing we told my daughter. She is looking for a private college because she feels community college is beneath her, yet she couldn't be bothered to pull her weight in high school. She needs to EARN the right to go to obne of those schools and to prove that she can buckle down. A couple of semesters at a CC will help prepare her for that. He she feels it is eneath her, than she should have studied more, or pay her own way.

[Anonymous]

I don't think student loans are that bad. I feel like all students need some skin in the game. They also make you think of your future career when you take them out and make you realize you need a high enough income to pay them back.

[Anonymous]

I truly think that depends on your own family's dynamic.

We had a similar situation - we had custody of my stepchild and paid 100% of everything. As a result, major decisions like college and buying cars and such were between DH, stepchild and me. Ex could certainly express her opinion, but since she had zero financial stake in the matter, and wasn't part of day to day life, it had a very small percentage of weight in the decision-making process. DH and I had blended finances and as a result any financial decisions in our household were our's, not his or mine separately. My stepchild understood that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It looks like you'll be outvoted, right? All you can do is provide guidance, make suggestions.
BTW, I understand your arguments. What guidance counselors, and others, do suggest is that your DH provide realistic financial guidelines now to ex and DD. For example, "we'll pay $25,000 per year for college. But you must maintain a 2.5 or whatever college GPA" or whatever parameters you decide. At the very least, have her apply to High Point or wherever, and several state schools where she'll be accepted and maybe an inexpensive OOS state school. See where she gets accepted and tell her then you'll consider all the total cost if attendance issues and decide later. I wouldn't let her assume that money is not a factor.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to pay for her college. Let dh pay for it. If I was expected to contribute I'd expect a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to pay for her college. Let dh pay for it. If I was expected to contribute I'd expect a say.

How would that work? Any money that he pays towards her college has to come out of the total household budget. If he takes $40-$50K to pay for her college, that's $40-$50K that is no longer available for other things.

[Anonymous]

Dad likely won't be able to afford it and he may reconsider community college or she may need to take a loan.

[Anonymous]

OP, also, because it is so early in junior year, can DH make an impression on her that it's really important to pick up her grades this year, right now? Junior year grades are probably more important that any other year -- if she has an upswing in grades. Also maybe look at GPA requirements for some state schools, visit a few. Pay for an SAT or ACT prep class. Get her interested in the process. I can't tell from your post if 2.7 is all she is capable of if she's under performing.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I have no advice for you, just wanted to let you know what a great wife you must be. I'm not being snarky, I seriously admire your patience. If I were married to a man who completely supported his ex-wife like this, I would be so bitter, I can't even imagine. I would not be able to hold back. Even my post on this board would be full of expletives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to pay for her college. Let dh pay for it. If I was expected to contribute I'd expect a say.

What's the differenc? They are married. It's still family money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, also, because it is so early in junior year, can DH make an impression on her that it's really important to pick up her grades this year, right now? Junior year grades are probably more important that any other year -- if she has an upswing in grades. Also maybe look at GPA requirements for some state schools, visit a few. Pay for an SAT or ACT prep class. Get her interested in the process. I can't tell from your post if 2.7 is all she is capable of if she's under performing.

I don't know how to answer that. She's always been a C student. She goes to a private hs (not locally) and they bend over backwards to make sure she passes. DH put our home phone down as her contact info. I get the calls that say she has not turned in X,Y,Z assignments, failed a test, did not participate, etc. And then the school provides opportunities for her to pull up her grade. Every single semester, this happens. She is in danger of failing but if she turns in A B C, then she will pass. I know her mother works with her and tries to give her the leeway to take responsibility for her academic career, but so far, it has not gone well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I have no advice for you, just wanted to let you know what a great wife you must be. I'm not being snarky, I seriously admire your patience. If I were married to a man who completely supported his ex-wife like this, I would be so bitter, I can't even imagine. I would not be able to hold back. Even my post on this board would be full of expletives.

Thanks. But I knew the deal going in. I do have my moments though and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't counting down the months.