I'm the step mom--do I get a vote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did OP say her stepdaughter has ADHD?

She didn't. People here just assume that anyone who isn't a great student must have a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

^^OP said it on page 2. Keep up girls.

[Anonymous]

Let her go to wherever. Have her take out the loans, if possible, as the only signatory. If not, only Dad consigns. That is NOT your debt.

Only make payments when you have to and let her feel the enormity of the situation.

Plus, I'm guessing she'll get her MRS degree. So make sure she goes somewhere to meet a rich man (hahaha)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^OP said it on page 2. Keep up girls.

That wasn't OP. That was another mom with a similar student.

[Anonymous]

No vote. And debt should be yours - you guys a family or what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the original post and feel compelled to respond to the OP, as I have lived this story.

OP, several years ago you met a man in a perhaps flawed and unhappy, but still intact marriage. This man had, I assume, a longtime, stay-at-home wife, and two older children. The younger child is a daughter with ADHD.

You two met and the attraction was strong, immediate, and undeniable. At this point you could both have acted selflessly, though of the longtime wife and the two children involved, and not let the situation go any further. Instead, you both acted selfishly, and pursued your love and own interests and passions, the consequences be damned.

At the time you told yourself, and him, that you would love his children as your won, that you understood his baggage and you accepted him, that you would love him "for richer and for poorer". And then reality got in the way of your fairytale, storybook, happily-ever-after romance.

I know this story because I lived it. Back in 1985 I was starting 8th grade. I had an older brother who was a senior, and our little sister was in 4th grade. We had a very happy family life, my mom was a doctor turned stay-at-home mother, and my dad was a well-respected law firm partner. We all attended the same DC private school, had a lovely house, took great vacations, in other words my life was seemingly perfect.

That fall my dad left the family for a young associate at his law firm. We were completely devastated and shattered. I think only my older brother escaped relatively unscathed because he was already almost off to college. Dad promised nothing would change, that he still loved us, and that he would continue to support our mom and our lives as he always had. Within a year he was remarried, and by my 10th grade year he and his much-younger, new wife were expecting a baby.

The reality was that life had changed. Not only did our beloved older brother go off to college within a year, but my sister and I saw our dad much less often that we had before. My mother literally had to beg him to pay for the things we had taken for granted before, like summer classes and a beach vacation. Our stepmother clearly did not appreciate his having to support two households, and made this obvious to me at every turn.

I went from being a straight-A student in 8th grade, voted class speaker, to being the girl who made out with the potheads behind the bleachers at the football games. I went into my 12th grade year with a B average, dismal grades in a family that valued education and achievement (older brother attended Princeton). I cannot even begin to imagine the impact of a traumatic divorce on a girl with ADHD, as your stepdaughter has.

By the grace of God, with my mother's steady, unwavering support, and with the belief my teachers had in me, I rather miraculously earned admission to the University of Chicago. My stepmother opposed my dad spending that kind of tuition the education of a burnout, B student, but my school counselors convinced him that it would be worth it for me.

I entered college deeply appreciative to my mother, my father for having faith in me, and my college counselors. I set out to prove that everyone's belief in me was well-founded. I graduated near the top of my class, and like my mother went on to attend medical school afterwards. My brother, sister and I are very grateful that our father overrode our stepmother's objections to pay for our college, law school, and medical school educations.

After my younger sister left for college, my mother finally went back to school to earn a masters in education, and then returned to her home state where she still teaches high school biology. My father and his second wife eventually divorced.

JFC. Sorry but this is not about you. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that many posters have been very hard on both you and your dear stepdaughter. At only sixteen years of age, and with a diagnosed learning disability like ADHD, your dear stepdaughter is too young for you and your dear husband (her father) to give up on her potential. And at sixteen, she most definitely still needs both of you to help and guide her. I am discouraged by the previous posters who have told you to give your dear stepdaughter ultimatums, or to give up on her if she cannot attend a college at least as good as the University of Chicago.

I can tell that you would really like to help your dear stepdaughter, and though I wish that you and your dear husband had stepped in to help her when she earned her first C in 9th grade, it is still not too late. Here is a constructive, positive plan for you based on what my husband and I did for our own dear daughter, who also has ADHD.

The first step is to talk to your dear stepdaughter. You and your dear husband should tell her honestly that her grades are not what you expect of her, and do not reflect her intelligence or ability. Tell her that you will expect her to put forth more effort and hard work, and to earn better grades (B target), but you will also work to better support her academically and emotionally.

The second step is to schedule a meeting with all of her teachers immediately. Discuss with her teachers and counselors your dear daughter's ADHD, inquire as to her specific issues in each class, and ask them to help you come up with a learning plan for her. Also ask if they would each be willing to schedule some time to meet with her on a weekly basis to help her. Perhaps she is eligible for some tutoring or special services from the school.

The next step is to obtain a tutor(s) for your dear stepdaughter in those subjects which are giving her the most trouble. She needs to work on getting her grades up, and a tutor can greatly assist someone who falls behind or does not fully understand what they are taught in school.

Also, get your dear stepdaughter to meet with a psychologist or therapist once a week. Emotional issues often go hand-in-hand with academic ones, and she might benefit from having someone to work on her emotional issues with her.

OP, please try these suggestions, and then have your dear husband work with his dear daughter to set specific goals for next semester (B in English), and to monitor her progress on a weekly basis. Sometimes a child tries harder when they know the parents care about the outcome.

Good luck.

I like this suggestion for OP and DSD, hopefully they can work through this situation together. I also understood OP to have responded at some point that DSD was ADHD, but I suppose that OP can best clarify that point herself.

[Anonymous]

I hate how students have a sense of entitlement. Let her pay for her own college and she'll buckle down to get better grades. Why is community college beneath her? I had no one pay for my college so I went to a community college then transferred to a 4 year college and it's the best financial decision I made. I'm making 150k and graduated with 38k student loans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate how students have a sense of entitlement. Let her pay for her own college and she'll buckle down to get better grades. Why is community college beneath her? I had no one pay for my college so I went to a community college then transferred to a 4 year college and it's the best financial decision I made. I'm making 150k and graduated with 38k student loans

Community college is not beneath her, or anyone else for that matter, and it has successfully given so many adults and young adults a strong start in their lives. That said, the SD will not be able to handle community, online, public, or private college unless OP and DH get her the help she needs now, in high school, as one PP suggested above.

[Anonymous]

OP did say that her stepdaughter has ADHD (11/18 at 10:49). The problem is that she added: "Most schools I've seen can accommodate this." That statement shows that she doesn't understand ADHD.

OP's stepdaughter is not local, folks. It definitely doesn't sound as if they are close, either. The people who are raising/have raised a child with ADHD (yes, I am one of those) have a better understanding of the situation. If you have a college-capable child with ADHD and/or LD's, you are going to want to think of a way for them to complete college --because it will give them more opportunity.
A knowledgeable therapist put my son's odds of getting through his freshman year at a (small, wonderful, but yes, expensive college) at 60/40. Now (next month) he's graduating. That's huge for him -- and for me.

The thing is, it does sound as if the OP's main goal is saving money. It's a tough situation -- but since she says that they can afford it, I would plan to be part of the discussion but defer to my husband. Even though it doesn't sound like she has much of a relationship with the stepdaughter, it wouldn't be great if she is perceived later as the person who blocked the stepdaughter from going to a college that would raise her chances of graduating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did say that her stepdaughter has ADHD (11/18 at 10:49). The problem is that she added: "Most schools I've seen can accommodate this." That statement shows that she doesn't understand ADHD.

OP's stepdaughter is not local, folks. It definitely doesn't sound as if they are close, either. The people who are raising/have raised a child with ADHD (yes, I am one of those) have a better understanding of the situation. If you have a college-capable child with ADHD and/or LD's, you are going to want to think of a way for them to complete college --because it will give them more opportunity.
A knowledgeable therapist put my son's odds of getting through his freshman year at a (small, wonderful, but yes, expensive college) at 60/40. Now (next month) he's graduating. That's huge for him -- and for me.

The thing is, it does sound as if the OP's main goal is saving money. It's a tough situation -- but since she says that they can afford it, I would plan to be part of the discussion but defer to my husband. Even though it doesn't sound like she has much of a relationship with the stepdaughter, it wouldn't be great if she is perceived later as the person who blocked the stepdaughter from going to a college that would raise her chances of graduating.

Good for your son. Since he went to a small, wonderful, but yes, expensive college, can you share what his current job prospects look like? I think the concern is that when going to a no name school, there may not be the job opportunities that a name recognized school can bring.

[Anonymous]

Regarding my son -- he has good job prospects, but the relevant comparison is not between going to a top "name" school and going to what you term a "no-name" school. The relevant comparison for him is between having a college degree vs. not having one. He would be able to do the work of the (good) job which is in his future, without a degree. But, he would not have been able to get it, because the job requires a Bachelor's degree.
By the way, the "no name school" expression, is offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding my son -- he has good job prospects, but the relevant comparison is not between going to a top "name" school and going to what you term a "no-name" school. The relevant comparison for him is between having a college degree vs. not having one. He would be able to do the work of the (good) job which is in his future, without a degree. But, he would not have been able to get it, because the job requires a Bachelor's degree.
By the way, the "no name school" expression, is offensive.

Agree. I don't understand the all or nothing poster that "any known state school is always better than any less/un known expensive school. Come on, it's not always one size fits all.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is going to pay $40-50,000 out-of-pocket? Oh yeah, cause he didn't save for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did say that her stepdaughter has ADHD (11/18 at 10:49). The problem is that she added: "Most schools I've seen can accommodate this." That statement shows that she doesn't understand ADHD.

OP's stepdaughter is not local, folks. It definitely doesn't sound as if they are close, either. The people who are raising/have raised a child with ADHD (yes, I am one of those) have a better understanding of the situation. If you have a college-capable child with ADHD and/or LD's, you are going to want to think of a way for them to complete college --because it will give them more opportunity.
A knowledgeable therapist put my son's odds of getting through his freshman year at a (small, wonderful, but yes, expensive college) at 60/40. Now (next month) he's graduating. That's huge for him -- and for me.

The thing is, it does sound as if the OP's main goal is saving money. It's a tough situation -- but since she says that they can afford it, I would plan to be part of the discussion but defer to my husband. Even though it doesn't sound like she has much of a relationship with the stepdaughter, it wouldn't be great if she is perceived later as the person who blocked the stepdaughter from going to a college that would raise her chances of graduating.

Yes, but OPs step daughter does not sound like she is college capable, with our without ADHD.