I'm the step mom--do I get a vote?

[Anonymous]

When I went to college, grad school was more unusual and very optional. My kids are in high school but what I'm seeing from older nieces and nephews is that most of them are going to grad school (including the ones who live in flyover states if it matters). So, views on grad school are changing as well. We're planning on paying for it for our kids if they choose to go. My parents didn't pay one penny for my law school or undergrad (they couldn't afford it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't pay $50k/year for a horrible student to attend a no-name college. She should take out loans and Papa can pay them off if she gets A's and B's. Otherwise, she will have to figure out how to pay off her loans on her own. If she can't get good grades in high school, I don't see her doing all that well in college.

OP here---want to come to dinner tonight???

Yes, we can afford it. But I'm having a hard time understanding why it is worth it. What does one get with a no name degree that you can't get from a CC with a transfer to a state school? I agree with the PP above....she hasn't demonstrated an ability to get good grades on her own thus far...what is going to change when she gets to college?

Are there independent college counselors? My kids are in preschool, so I don't pay that much attention to the college forums. I know she has a guidance counselor at school. He's the person that recommended the private schools that she's looking at. What would an independent counselor do?

It sounds like you would prefer it if your two, or is it three, stepchildren would attend less expensive private schools (done at $12K/year) and colleges. I hope for your sake that DH's oldest son does not ask dad for help with graduate school. That way, you will have the money to send your own children to one of the Big 3. Your many posts reflects a disdain and annoyance with DH having to support his first wife and children, though he clearly has the money to do so. However, I can understand that you would prefer to use that money to pay for an exceptional education for your own kids, a beautiful house, vacations to Europe, luxury cars -- who wouldn't, I totally get it, I really do. Just please be honest with yourself about your true, perhaps selfish, motivations regarding DD's college education.

OP don't listen to this poster. There are some posters that see stepmom and can't offer any objective advice as soon as they see that word.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with PP. It sounds like you are selfishly considering your own needs and use for the money, as opposed to those obligations and commitments your DH has undertaken, and which you yourself -- knowing the situation -- also agreed to take on before you married him.

You mention that DH earns the $40K+ which he will need to pay for his DD's private college. (I think someone mentioned he might earn over $500K). If DH does earn a healthy salary which is able to cover the $40K+ necessary for the college tuition, then he should be able to use it as he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with PP. It sounds like you are selfishly considering your own needs and use for the money, as opposed to those obligations and commitments your DH has undertaken, and which you yourself -- knowing the situation -- also agreed to take on before you married him.

You mention that DH earns the $40K+ which he will need to pay for his DD's private college. (I think someone mentioned he might earn over $500K). If DH does earn a healthy salary which is able to cover the $40K+ necessary for the college tuition, then he should be able to use it as he wants.

OP here again --a PP asked if DH made over $500K---he does not. DH does not have the $40K to spend without my income. I have to contribute to pay for this. If I stop working, it is not possible for her to attend a $40K school without someone taking out loans. I mentioned that WE have the money...not that HE has the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with PP. It sounds like you are selfishly considering your own needs and use for the money, as opposed to those obligations and commitments your DH has undertaken, and which you yourself -- knowing the situation -- also agreed to take on before you married him.

You mention that DH earns the $40K+ which he will need to pay for his DD's private college. (I think someone mentioned he might earn over $500K). If DH does earn a healthy salary which is able to cover the $40K+ necessary for the college tuition, then he should be able to use it as he wants.

Are you all just making things up or conflating posts? The OP said that her husband needed her support financially to afford 40-50k tuition. It's not a case of her DH making enough on his own. She is considering her own needs and use for the money because some of it would be...her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the original post and feel compelled to respond to the OP, as I have lived this story.

OP, several years ago you met a man in a perhaps flawed and unhappy, but still intact marriage. This man had, I assume, a longtime, stay-at-home wife, and two older children. The younger child is a daughter with ADHD.

You two met and the attraction was strong, immediate, and undeniable. At this point you could both have acted selflessly, though of the longtime wife and the two children involved, and not let the situation go any further. Instead, you both acted selfishly, and pursued your love and own interests and passions, the consequences be damned.

At the time you told yourself, and him, that you would love his children as your won, that you understood his baggage and you accepted him, that you would love him "for richer and for poorer". And then reality got in the way of your fairytale, storybook, happily-ever-after romance.

I know this story because I lived it. Back in 1985 I was starting 8th grade. I had an older brother who was a senior, and our little sister was in 4th grade. We had a very happy family life, my mom was a doctor turned stay-at-home mother, and my dad was a well-respected law firm partner. We all attended the same DC private school, had a lovely house, took great vacations, in other words my life was seemingly perfect.

That fall my dad left the family for a young associate at his law firm. We were completely devastated and shattered. I think only my older brother escaped relatively unscathed because he was already almost off to college. Dad promised nothing would change, that he still loved us, and that he would continue to support our mom and our lives as he always had. Within a year he was remarried, and by my 10th grade year he and his much-younger, new wife were expecting a baby.

The reality was that life had changed. Not only did our beloved older brother go off to college within a year, but my sister and I saw our dad much less often that we had before. My mother literally had to beg him to pay for the things we had taken for granted before, like summer classes and a beach vacation. Our stepmother clearly did not appreciate his having to support two households, and made this obvious to me at every turn.

I went from being a straight-A student in 8th grade, voted class speaker, to being the girl who made out with the potheads behind the bleachers at the football games. I went into my 12th grade year with a B average, dismal grades in a family that valued education and achievement (older brother attended Princeton). I cannot even begin to imagine the impact of a traumatic divorce on a girl with ADHD, as your stepdaughter has.

By the grace of God, with my mother's steady, unwavering support, and with the belief my teachers had in me, I rather miraculously earned admission to the University of Chicago. My stepmother opposed my dad spending that kind of tuition the education of a burnout, B student, but my school counselors convinced him that it would be worth it for me.

I entered college deeply appreciative to my mother, my father for having faith in me, and my college counselors. I set out to prove that everyone's belief in me was well-founded. I graduated near the top of my class, and like my mother went on to attend medical school afterwards. My brother, sister and I are very grateful that our father overrode our stepmother's objections to pay for our college, law school, and medical school educations.

After my younger sister left for college, my mother finally went back to school to earn a masters in education, and then returned to her home state where she still teaches high school biology. My father and his second wife eventually divorced.

NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with PP. It sounds like you are selfishly considering your own needs and use for the money, as opposed to those obligations and commitments your DH has undertaken, and which you yourself -- knowing the situation -- also agreed to take on before you married him.

You mention that DH earns the $40K+ which he will need to pay for his DD's private college. (I think someone mentioned he might earn over $500K). If DH does earn a healthy salary which is able to cover the $40K+ necessary for the college tuition, then he should be able to use it as he wants.

Are you all just making things up or conflating posts? The OP said that her husband needed her support financially to afford 40-50k tuition. It's not a case of her DH making enough on his own. She is considering her own needs and use for the money because some of it would be...her money.

No, the OP clearly stated that DH could on his own afford the $40K+ tuition. It could, of course, be put to other uses, such as the required new car. I am also fairly sure that OP said that they were financially well off, at least $500K/year. We can ask OP, though, how much DH earns and find out. OP, what is your DH's annual salary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

It is pertinent because I was once that lost daughter, scarred by my parents' divorce, and struggling emotionally and academically through my high school years. I believe that OP should be asking her herself not "why should I send my step daughter to the good college", but instead be asking herself, "how can I possibly help my stepdaughter navigate these emotional and academic difficulties, so that she can turn her life around, succeed at school, get into that good college, and thrive there?". That is what a good mother would do. I know because my mother and my teachers did that for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can also offer that what I thought when my own kids were preschoolers and elementary age is much much different from what I think as they are preparing for college and beyond. Your views will likely change. OP, you keep asking if you get a vote. I guess it's not much different from any big conflict/decision in a marriage, right. You get a say, but in this case so does DH and DD. So I wouldn't keep harping on the "vote"; you're gonna lose that one. You can work on a compromise that doesn't include CC (unless DSD wants to get an associate or trade degree).

I agree it's a joint decision between OP and her DH. The daughter can voice an opinion as to where she wants to go, but she certainly doesn't get a *vote* as to how much money her parents are willing to pay for her to go to college. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with PP. It sounds like you are selfishly considering your own needs and use for the money, as opposed to those obligations and commitments your DH has undertaken, and which you yourself -- knowing the situation -- also agreed to take on before you married him.

You mention that DH earns the $40K+ which he will need to pay for his DD's private college. (I think someone mentioned he might earn over $500K). If DH does earn a healthy salary which is able to cover the $40K+ necessary for the college tuition, then he should be able to use it as he wants.

Are you all just making things up or conflating posts? The OP said that her husband needed her support financially to afford 40-50k tuition. It's not a case of her DH making enough on his own. She is considering her own needs and use for the money because some of it would be...her money.

No, the OP clearly stated that DH could on his own afford the $40K+ tuition. It could, of course, be put to other uses, such as the required new car. I am also fairly sure that OP said that they were financially well off, at least $500K/year. We can ask OP, though, how much DH earns and find out. OP, what is your DH's annual salary?

"OP here again --a PP asked if DH made over $500K---he does not. DH does not have the $40K to spend without my income. I have to contribute to pay for this. If I stop working, it is not possible for her to attend a $40K school without someone taking out loans. I mentioned that WE have the money...not that HE has the money."

She stated it above, right before my post. But please, continue to be nasty and make up details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

It is pertinent because I was once that lost daughter, scarred by my parents' divorce, and struggling emotionally and academically through my high school years. I believe that OP should be asking her herself not "why should I send my step daughter to the good college", but instead be asking herself, "how can I possibly help my stepdaughter navigate these emotional and academic difficulties, so that she can turn her life around, succeed at school, get into that good college, and thrive there?". That is what a good mother would do. I know because my mother and my teachers did that for me.

I now understand why your personal story gives us some insight. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

It is pertinent because I was once that lost daughter, scarred by my parents' divorce, and struggling emotionally and academically through my high school years. I believe that OP should be asking her herself not "why should I send my step daughter to the good college", but instead be asking herself, "how can I possibly help my stepdaughter navigate these emotional and academic difficulties, so that she can turn her life around, succeed at school, get into that good college, and thrive there?". That is what a good mother would do. I know because my mother and my teachers did that for me.

Give me a break. A college that is second rate at best is a world away from U of Chicago. Step child, biological child, I don't care. A waste of money is a waste of money. If my child showed no motivation in high school, he or she would be going to a JC.

[Anonymous]

17:29: I think you are very wrong as a matter of fact. Have you ever read "Forty Colleges That Change Lives" or similar testimonials? U Chicago is not a good fit for every single kid. Sometimes a McDaniel or Eckerd or similar school is the answer to help a young adult navigate young adulthood. Even if my kid could get into Chicago or Duke or similar, I don't see her surviving a hyper-competitive pick-a-number style college. The best college starts with one that the kid will graduate from.

[Anonymous]

When did OP say her stepdaughter has ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Why is anyone surprised when second families get leftovers? It's as it should be. Pony up, step"mom" or get divorced. Second marriages should be banned, all it causes is endless drama and bitching from people old enough to know better.