Who Should Control A Couple's Sex Life

[polychromatic]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that neither partner "controls" sex.

This. The couple should discuss it and figure out where both parties stand and how to make it work together. Revisit as needed if circumstances (health, other stressors) change.

Him: "I want sex."
Her: "I don't want sex."
Him: "I want sex because it's healthy and it's what married people do."
Her: "I don't want sex because I don't feel sexy."
Him: "You look sexy."
Her: "Maybe if you did lots of chores, took me out, did a bunch of stuff I think needs done for the kids."
Him: [Does stuff]
Her: "Hmm, nope, still don't want sex."
Him: "I still want sex."

End result: He did a bunch of stuff she wanted done and they still didn't have sex. So the person who wants sex the least has an incredible amount of leverage.

Thanks for the laugh. This is true until you call them on it, as which case you might not be getting sex, but you will at least be honest with each other.

[Anonymous]

Too many naive responses to this, clearly not enough experienced ones. The answer is #4, and anyone who has dealt with this situation knows it. One can increase intimacy, say the `right things`, and do any of a hundred small daily things that are recommended. And none of them work for long. In a properly respectful relationship (ie. one in which a frustrated partner is not going to resort to `taking`what they want), in which mutual boundaries and feelings are honored, it`s very straightforward--whoever desires sex the least becomes the de facto controller: the partner with the higher drive must, if they wish to maintain peace and any hope of sexual contact, put it aside until the other expresses desire. When this occurs, the higher drive partner either takes the opportunity or says `No`, typically to exert some sort of feeling of control. Problem is, that means no sex, perhaps for another stretch of time. And so the low drive partner carries on relatively unaffected, and the higher drive partner (let`s call a spade a spade...it`s almost always the man in hetero relationships) either accepts they are simply on call and must jump when asked, but can never ask themselves (which is a bridge too far for anyone with a shred of self-esteem), or attempts to regain some control and refuses. In such a situation, the lower-drive partner suffers very little (after all, avoiding sex is not-for such a person-not such a big deal, being low-drive to begin with), while the higher drive partner is left with a Faustian choice: exercise some vestige of control and claim the right of refusal that has by default become the domain of the lower-drive partner, but suffer for it with even less sex, or simply be ready to go whenever the lower-drive partner asks, but be left with the pervasive (because it`s accurate) feeling that the lower-drive partner holds the cards, calls the shots, and runs the show. You at least get a few scraps of what you love and need, but not close to enough, at the cost of your esteem.

The low-drive partner is firmly in control...and that`s a terrible dynamic in a relationship

[Anonymous]

I'm remain curious how someone can say they "don't need sex" in marriage. No one here can convince me that physical intimacy is not important. IMO, if you don't need some kind of intense physical intimacy, your relationship is not strongly bonded.

On another note, someone posted earlier about hormonal contraceptives. These can wipe out female libido. If you're in a decent marriage, but sex is a issue, this is worth looking at.

[Anonymous]

I am the one who wants sex more in the relationship. I am the one who makes the most overtures and does things so that my partner is rested. I am the one who ends up getting sex whenever my partner wants. I am the one who faces rejection if I want sex. My partner has all the power regarding the frequency of sex. I am the DW. I cannot do a damn thing about it. The only thing I have put my foot down is that I expect quality in each encounter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one who wants it least or refuses is the one with the power and control. They can use that power and control against their spouse and against their marriage.

Who SHOULD control it - sexual intimacy should be regular part of a marriage relationship and therefore no one needs to control it, rather conversations happen and decisions made that are mutually satisfying to both parties.

If either party is unhappy then usually that is because the other party has taken control (often through refusal) and is using that power to make the other party unhappy.

you said so well.

[Anonymous]

While Control is not a word I would use to indicate who is "The Decider", the fact remains that there is one or the other who is in "control".

Person who wants it least; otherwise it's rape.

This implies that it is the wife who wants it least. I doubt very few men risk being raped by their wives. If so, rape me.

My wife, will NOT initiate no matter what I do and it is frustrating to no end. I learned she was like this with her ex-husband as well. I am seriously considering bailing. I am tired of asking, "can you come upstairs"? To be told, "in a minute" and the next morning finding her still on the couch. We have money, the kids are grown and have a good life otherwise. But anyone who thinks that sex is not overly important in a relationship is really in need of a knock upside the head.

Why do I stay? I have stayed thus far because the cost to get out is staggering. And I find it as outrageous to demand sex or constantly ask, ask, and ask as I do writing a check to cut her loose. Don't like my response? Dogpile me.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if spouses with low driver are aware of the power they have over their spouses. I would guess they do and some will even use it to their advantage.

[Anonymous]

A lot of lower drive spouses feel miserable about it because they love their higher drive spouses; they just aren't sexually attracted to them very often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband. The wife should always submit to her husband whenever her husband calls her to bed. That is one of the duties of a wife, and if she declines, she is sinning.

This is from the Islamic perspective. Doesn't Christianity and Judaism have some sort of similar rule?

Damn. Al Queda has infiltrated DCUM, too ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that neither partner "controls" sex.

This. The couple should discuss it and figure out where both parties stand and how to make it work together. Revisit as needed if circumstances (health, other stressors) change.

Him: "I want sex."
Her: "I don't want sex."
Him: "I want sex because it's healthy and it's what married people do."
Her: "I don't want sex because I don't feel sexy."
Him: "You look sexy."
Her: "Maybe if you did lots of chores, took me out, did a bunch of stuff I think needs done for the kids."
Him: [Does stuff]
Her: "Hmm, nope, still don't want sex."
Him: "I still want sex."

End result: He did a bunch of stuff she wanted done and they still didn't have sex. So the person who wants sex the least has an incredible amount of leverage.

You left out the "with her" part, as in have sex "with her". My husband decided to use sex as a weapon when he was angry about something. He tends towards being passive-aggressive. After a period of time, I quietly told him that I was not going to live the rest of my life without sex, so he has a choice. He can either work it out so we can resume sexual relations or I will find someone outside the marriage to have sex with. And if he tried to pull the adultery card, I would pull the abandonment card.

Then I let him think about it for a while.

He opted for working it out.

The person that wants it the least has leverage, but that's only because the other person allows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes conversation is necessary; but you can over do it. "Wanna have sex?" isn't nearly as hot as just carrying her up to bed.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say it is a team effort so BOTH parties should have a say in things pertaining to the bedroom.

And when it's not a team effort ...

Some here are dealing only in the theoretical. You are correct - a team effort requires both parties to WANT to participate. So often, that's not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too many naive responses to this, clearly not enough experienced ones. The answer is #4, and anyone who has dealt with this situation knows it. One can increase intimacy, say the `right things`, and do any of a hundred small daily things that are recommended. And none of them work for long. In a properly respectful relationship (ie. one in which a frustrated partner is not going to resort to `taking`what they want), in which mutual boundaries and feelings are honored, it`s very straightforward--whoever desires sex the least becomes the de facto controller: the partner with the higher drive must, if they wish to maintain peace and any hope of sexual contact, put it aside until the other expresses desire. When this occurs, the higher drive partner either takes the opportunity or says `No`, typically to exert some sort of feeling of control. Problem is, that means no sex, perhaps for another stretch of time. And so the low drive partner carries on relatively unaffected, and the higher drive partner (let`s call a spade a spade...it`s almost always the man in hetero relationships) either accepts they are simply on call and must jump when asked, but can never ask themselves (which is a bridge too far for anyone with a shred of self-esteem), or attempts to regain some control and refuses. In such a situation, the lower-drive partner suffers very little (after all, avoiding sex is not-for such a person-not such a big deal, being low-drive to begin with), while the higher drive partner is left with a Faustian choice: exercise some vestige of control and claim the right of refusal that has by default become the domain of the lower-drive partner, but suffer for it with even less sex, or simply be ready to go whenever the lower-drive partner asks, but be left with the pervasive (because it`s accurate) feeling that the lower-drive partner holds the cards, calls the shots, and runs the show. You at least get a few scraps of what you love and need, but not close to enough, at the cost of your esteem.

The low-drive partner is firmly in control...and that`s a terrible dynamic in a relationship

I agree. I'm the higher drive partner, the wife, in a hetero relationship. To blunt this dynamic, I have extramarital partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While Control is not a word I would use to indicate who is "The Decider", the fact remains that there is one or the other who is in "control".

Person who wants it least; otherwise it's rape.

This implies that it is the wife who wants it least. I doubt very few men risk being raped by their wives. If so, rape me.

My wife, will NOT initiate no matter what I do and it is frustrating to no end. I learned she was like this with her ex-husband as well. I am seriously considering bailing. I am tired of asking, "can you come upstairs"? To be told, "in a minute" and the next morning finding her still on the couch. We have money, the kids are grown and have a good life otherwise. But anyone who thinks that sex is not overly important in a relationship is really in need of a knock upside the head.

Why do I stay? I have stayed thus far because the cost to get out is staggering. And I find it as outrageous to demand sex or constantly ask, ask, and ask as I do writing a check to cut her loose. Don't like my response? Dogpile me.

Find a girlfriend. My boyfriend is in a similar boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I could have sworn that married couples equally share many responsibilities for managing and governing their relationship, including the rate of occurrence regarding their intimacy/copulation.