Reply to Who Should Control A Couple's Sex Life

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[quote=Anonymous]Too many naive responses to this, clearly not enough experienced ones. The answer is #4, and anyone who has dealt with this situation knows it. One can increase intimacy, say the `right things`, and do any of a hundred small daily things that are recommended. And none of them work for long. In a properly respectful relationship (ie. one in which a frustrated partner is not going to resort to `taking`what they want), in which mutual boundaries and feelings are honored, it`s very straightforward--whoever desires sex the least becomes the de facto controller: the partner with the higher drive must, if they wish to maintain peace and any hope of sexual contact, put it aside until the other expresses desire. When this occurs, the higher drive partner either takes the opportunity or says `No`, typically to exert some sort of feeling of control. Problem is, that means no sex, perhaps for another stretch of time. And so the low drive partner carries on relatively unaffected, and the higher drive partner (let`s call a spade a spade...it`s almost always the man in hetero relationships) either accepts they are simply on call and must jump when asked, but can never ask themselves (which is a bridge too far for anyone with a shred of self-esteem), or attempts to regain some control and refuses. In such a situation, the lower-drive partner suffers very little (after all, avoiding sex is not-for such a person-not such a big deal, being low-drive to begin with), while the higher drive partner is left with a Faustian choice: exercise some vestige of control and claim the right of refusal that has by default become the domain of the lower-drive partner, but suffer for it with even less sex, or simply be ready to go whenever the lower-drive partner asks, but be left with the pervasive (because it`s accurate) feeling that the lower-drive partner holds the cards, calls the shots, and runs the show. You at least get a few scraps of what you love and need, but not close to enough, at the cost of your esteem.

The low-drive partner is firmly in control...and that`s a terrible dynamic in a relationship

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