Who Should Control A Couple's Sex Life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I could have sworn that married couples equally share many responsibilities for managing and governing their relationship, including the rate of occurrence regarding their intimacy/copulation.

That would be nice. But the low desire spouse has a way of "forgetting" to keep sex on the priority list. And, honestly, is it very common for married couples to initiate sex about 50/50? I initiate about 80-90% of the time. Of course, her initiations have about a 1:1 success rate. Mine have about a 1:5 rate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband. The wife should always submit to her husband whenever her husband calls her to bed. That is one of the duties of a wife, and if she declines, she is sinning.

This is from the Islamic perspective. Doesn't Christianity and Judaism have some sort of similar rule?

I can't speak for Christianity, but in traditional Judaism, sex is one of the three basic rights a husband owes to his wife. It's his duty to make sure she gets enough. Not the other way around. The Talmud even goes so far as to say that a husband's consistent refusal to get down with his wife is grounds for divorce. Though it's also a bad thing for the wife to withhold; sex used as a weapon by either partner is frowned on, as is sex that is selfish (without regard for the other person's pleasure).

[Anonymous]

I don't care who initiates but I can't stand weak men - in bed or out.

[Anonymous]

What if DH doesn't want sex and doesn't initiate it? What do you do?

[Anonymous]

No one controls how much sex we have, how we spend money, or our schedules. We work these things out together. It's a give and take to make sure that both of our needs are being met.

[Anonymous]

The man should control a couple's sex life, but only after getting consent from the woman, prior to entering a longer relationship, that he will be in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I could have sworn that married couples equally share many responsibilities for managing and governing their relationship, including the rate of occurrence regarding their intimacy/copulation.

That would be nice. But the low desire spouse has a way of "forgetting" to keep sex on the priority list. And, honestly, is it very common for married couples to initiate sex about 50/50? I initiate about 80-90% of the time. Of course, her initiations have about a 1:1 success rate. Mine have about a 1:5 rate.

I'm so jealous - I'm a wife whose initiation success rate is 1:3. It's barely enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if DH doesn't want sex and doesn't initiate it? What do you do?

My husband pulled this for a bit out of passive-aggressive anger. I gave him a choice - quietly. Work it out with me in a mature fashion or I will find someone outside the marriage to satisfy my sexual needs. And if he tried the adultery path, I would go the abandonment path.

We worked it out. That was his choice. I was ready, though, to make my choice as well. And he knew that.

[Anonymous]

Nothing like some good old consensual non-consent to fix this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that neither partner "controls" sex.

This. The couple should discuss it and figure out where both parties stand and how to make it work together. Revisit as needed if circumstances (health, other stressors) change.

Him: "I want sex."
Her: "I don't want sex."
Him: "I want sex because it's healthy and it's what married people do."
Her: "I don't want sex because I don't feel sexy."
Him: "You look sexy."
Her: "Maybe if you did lots of chores, took me out, did a bunch of stuff I think needs done for the kids."
Him: [Does stuff]
Her: "Hmm, nope, still don't want sex."
Him: "I still want sex."

End result: He did a bunch of stuff she wanted done and they still didn't have sex. So the person who wants sex the least has an incredible amount of leverage.

This about sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who Should Control A Couple's Sex Life?

Congress!

I thought the Supreme Court decided it's up to the States.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is not an issue to be controlled.

- and yet that happens all the time in marriages.

[Anonymous]

I'm the party who wants sex the least and I guess I "control" our sex life in that we don't have sex if I really don't want to (whereas DH would have it pretty much whenever). But since a relationship is about a lot more than sex, I don't think that means I have more leverage than my DH generally. It's not like I win arguments because our sex life accommodates my lower libido. I just don't see it as some universal get-out-of-jail free card. But then I don't lie to my husband and tell hime I would have sex with him if only he XYZ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

So this man did nothing wrong and you cut him off for no apparent reason? I hope he has a busty secretary and you find out 5 years from now that your vow of celibacy was a solo mission and he never spent a single day lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

I dispute the premise of your question