Recently separated and pregnant
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Anonymous
Hopefully he did it in email and you can save it for the custody fight. F him. A baby is a gift if he is too much of a beat to understand ohfuckingwell. |
Anonymous
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This sounds like a dreadful situation, OP. You must do what's best for you and for your first child, who will suffer with one parent, and then having that one parent's time diverted by a baby.
I would not consider staying in the marriage for the sake of your child. If your DH told you to have an abortion, please document that and show it to an attorney. You will need it for your custody battle with this monstrous man. At 42, it's not likely you will have another child, so if you really want to keep the baby, do so. But make sure you can line up the resources. You are going to use up a lot of your precious energy fighting with your ex, and that's not healthy for your unborn baby or your child. I hope you have support from family and friends, because you will need a lot of it if you are to keep your baby. Start building your fortress now. What if you have a difficult pregnancy? You must get ready now, just in case, since you won't have the help of your husband. Good Luck, OP. You will get through this, no matter what you decide to do. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I dont know if i can do this alone. He doesnt want the baby but he wont take me to the clinic. He is leaving this all in my hands and he won't have a conversation |
Anonymous
| 12:20 this is OP. i am considering following your route. What was your age with #2? |
Anonymous
You need to step out for a moment and consider what your options really are. Talk to people about your choices. The problem is most services will either push you towards abortion or push you towards not having an abortion at all costs. There is a political drive to many of them. As such talk to several on both sides of the spectrum. Find out what your options are. There is more help available to you to do it alone then you realize. It is your choice - do not let him force you into a choice because of his issues. As has been noted this pregnancy is not what broke the marriage |
Anonymous
How would this be relevant in divorce proceedings? As far as I'm aware, abortion at the stage the OP is talking about is entirely her decision and entirely legal. Could it make OP's husband mad -- yes. But, it sounds like he's pretty mad right now. She told him about the pregnancy and he did not respond. IMO, she has met any ethical burden to allow her husband to share in the decision-making process. Married or divorced, she has no legal burden to allow him to participate in the decision-making process. In a situation like this, there are no good choices. Only you can decide which one you can live with. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you want the baby, you should have it! Don't give in just because your asshole ex wants you to have an abortion, would you be able to live with yourself knowing he pressured you into terminating a wanted child?
As for doing it alone, you CAN do it. Ex will have to pay child support even if he doesn't want you to keep the child. Hopefully you have some family and friends who could pitch in or you can hire help. You will have to go thru the custody battle even if you were to have an abortion. My mom left my dad when my sister and I were young, she didn't even har a college degree but she went to school and got a job and we all turned out great. |
Anonymous
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OP,
you are in a terrible situation, I am so sorry. But its pretty clear to everyone that this marriage is over. So now, you need to make decisions with an eye toward what is best for you and your child. It may be giving that child the gift of a sibling (and giving yourself that gift) but it may not be so clear-cut. Your child will be experiencing a fair amount of trauma from divorce/separation,and your attention will be necessarily focused on separation, divorce and rebuilding your life. I think, for me, the questiona bout whether to have #2 is whether I had the financial resources and emotional resources. If I made enough $$ on my own to cover costs for a baby and older child--rent/mortgage, money/food, medical,e tc--because you don' t now what child support or a divorce agreement will look like. If your DH makes a decent living you can expect some, but you don't know what (there are some online support calculators that may give you a range/indication). Beyond financial support, I would want to have close emotional support--family or friends nearby who can really step up to the plate and help you out with babysitting, with moving, with helping your older child through the transition, etc. I also think much depends on your lifestyle too--do you have a flexible, 9 to 5 type job? Can you afford a nanny who drives? Perhaps consider an au pair--having someone around for that first year would be, in my book, critical, but also someone who can handle some of the logistics of two kids. I remember trying to take my toddler to his tumbling class, but not being able to leave my 9 month old in the stroller, as she was screaming. COuldn't leave my toddler on his own (it was a parent-teacher class, and he really needed redirection and support participating), couldnt let the baby scream. Just an example of when its nice to have another person around. Beyond the obvious financial and emotional implications, you need to think carefully through the day to day logistics of two small children. Due to DH's job/family circumstances, I have done a lot of solo mornings and evenings, my experience was that balancing the needs of a baby and toddler was do able, but on a day in and day out basis, a little rough--just even the question of what do I do with baby while putting down/bathing toddler, etc? how to entertain loud, bored, hyper 2 year old while baby needs to nap? howthe hell do I get groceries (peapod!) and when do I ever get a break? (going to work is my break!) My youngest is now 20 months, oldest close to 4 and things are easier, but it does get exhausting day in, day out. If I were single, I'd have to figure out how to get everyone up in the morning, dress, fed, in the car/bus/metro, one kid to school, the other to daycare and still get to work on time, and then do the reverse. I suppose it also depends on the personality and needs of your child. My oldest is quite demanding and needs a lot of support and requires a lot of attention and energy (he takes 1.5 hour every night to simply get to sleep). If I had an older child like that, I would not have had another on myown. But if myodler chid were more self-sufficient and relatively easy, I would feel differently. anyway, I guess that what I'm saying is that you need to approach this situation as what you envision for your future: what are the lifestyle changes you wil have to make, what are the possibilities for help (financial, familial, hired, etc), and what you think will be best for your family. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situtation. |
Anonymous
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14:01 thank you so much for your long and thoughtful a d informative post. I have a hard time imagining life with two kids as a single parent. I just figure people do it all the time and I am no wimp and it cannot be harder than dealing with this marriage. But your post is giving me a lot to consider. I totally appreciate your thoughts.
I find it strange that my ex-partner loves his child but won't accept this other child, regardless of the state of our relationship. He is very angry with me for moving out but our counselor said it was imperative for our child's well being. |
Anonymous
It sounds like he is angry and trying to hurt you. He probably knows your inclination is to continue the pregnancy and parent both children and is encouraging the abortion as a way to cause you pain. If he loves and cares for your other child, I am hopful that will be that case once the new baby is born. I have a co-worker who has been where you are and her boys are 5 & 8 now. The father of the children has been little financial help but she makes it work. Like you, she moved out while newly pregnant, he wanted her to have an abortion, she considered it and decided to have the baby. You sound like someone who is strong (you are not a wimp!). Do what is best for you and your children, you can't afford to waste emotional energy on your ex-partner. |
Anonymous
| Has OP said the child is her husband's? Does the husband have any suspicion (founded or not) the child isn't his? |
Anonymous
To him, the baby isn't "real" in the same why his older (living) child is real. He is probably protecting himself emotionally by refusing to consider the pregnancy as another child--much less HIS child, just like his first child (even if he knows it is his child, its easier for him to view the pregnancy as a difficult and inconvenient situation). Plus, he's angry with you and probably very hurt. Can't let himself feel that bond with another being right now. None of that is a pass for his abominable, immature behavior, nor does it guarantee he will ever come round to #2, but he might. You, however, have to make a decision based on being a single mom who can't count on that support. |
Anonymous
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OP, my marriage was on the rocks when we had a birth control failure. He wanted me to abort, I refused.
Now several years later I am a single mom to TWO kids instead of one. And it's that many more years I have to go all alone until college. Being a single parent is hard, single parent of two is exponentially harder. That said my #2 is delightful. And expensive. And exhausting. And I think about another 12 or 15 years of this and sometimes I want to despair. No doubt from a purely selfish perspective, *I* would have been better off in many respects had I not taken on this responsibility. Not sure my conscience could have taken it, however. It's a tough decision either way. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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How old is your #1? Is your marriage salvageable?
I thought having 2 children was exponentially more work than having 1 child. I never ever got a break. I could not imagine doing it alone. At the same time, if I were 42, I would probably have the baby since this is probably it for you in regards to having more children. |
Anonymous
I was wondering that too. Is the baby even his? Maybe your husband wants you to have an abortion so he can avoid paying child support once the divorce is finalized (since divorce seems imminent). I would think about having child #1 do therapy too. I can't imagine how painful and soul crushing it must be for a easily impressionable child to witness his/her parents fighting and witnessing so much hate. |