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[quote=Anonymous]OP,

you are in a terrible situation, I am so sorry. But its pretty clear to everyone that this marriage is over. So now, you need to make decisions with an eye toward what is best for you and your child. It may be giving that child the gift of a sibling (and giving yourself that gift) but it may not be so clear-cut. Your child will be experiencing a fair amount of trauma from divorce/separation,and your attention will be necessarily focused on separation, divorce and rebuilding your life.

I think, for me, the questiona bout whether to have #2 is whether I had the financial resources and emotional resources. If I made enough $$ on my own to cover costs for a baby and older child--rent/mortgage, money/food, medical,e tc--because you don' t now what child support or a divorce agreement will look like. If your DH makes a decent living you can expect some, but you don't know what (there are some online support calculators that may give you a range/indication).

Beyond financial support, I would want to have close emotional support--family or friends nearby who can really step up to the plate and help you out with babysitting, with moving, with helping your older child through the transition, etc. I also think much depends on your lifestyle too--do you have a flexible, 9 to 5 type job? Can you afford a nanny who drives? Perhaps consider an au pair--having someone around for that first year would be, in my book, critical, but also someone who can handle some of the logistics of two kids. I remember trying to take my toddler to his tumbling class, but not being able to leave my 9 month old in the stroller, as she was screaming. COuldn't leave my toddler on his own (it was a parent-teacher class, and he really needed redirection and support participating), couldnt let the baby scream. Just an example of when its nice to have another person around.

Beyond the obvious financial and emotional implications, you need to think carefully through the day to day logistics of two small children. Due to DH's job/family circumstances, I have done a lot of solo mornings and evenings, my experience was that balancing the needs of a baby and toddler was do able, but on a day in and day out basis, a little rough--just even the question of what do I do with baby while putting down/bathing toddler, etc? how to entertain loud, bored, hyper 2 year old while baby needs to nap? howthe hell do I get groceries (peapod!) and when do I ever get a break? (going to work is my break!) My youngest is now 20 months, oldest close to 4 and things are easier, but it does get exhausting day in, day out. If I were single, I'd have to figure out how to get everyone up in the morning, dress, fed, in the car/bus/metro, one kid to school, the other to daycare and  still get to work on time, and then do the reverse.  I suppose it also depends on the personality and needs of your child. My oldest is quite demanding and needs a lot of support and requires a lot of attention and energy (he takes 1.5 hour every night to simply get to sleep). If I had an older child like that, I would not have had another on myown. But if myodler chid were more self-sufficient and relatively easy, I would feel differently.

anyway, I guess that what I'm saying is that you need to approach this situation as what you envision for your future: what are the lifestyle changes you wil have to make, what are the possibilities for help (financial, familial, hired, etc), and what you think will be best for your family. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situtation. [/quote]

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