Women: Cohabitation with your boyfriend is stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously people. Getting "married" is one single day of your entire life. If people spent half the time invested in their relationship than their wedding, we'd see a lot less divorce.
It's not "cohabiting" or "trying someone out". As an early 30-something most of my professional peers have lived with someone- most still with the same person- before getting married. They did this AFTER having lived on their own (moving home with parents doesn't count as being on your own). And... many operate separate financial accounts along with a few joint accounts. Scary (insert sarcasm).

The idea that you will graduate from college at 22, get married and live happily ever after is a nightmare and completely unrealistic- both emotionally and fiscally.

That's your experience, there are many others. Very few of my professional peers (30+) have lived with someone they married before they tied the knot; the few that did only moved in together after they were engaged. My husband and I did not move in until after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

As I said above, I disagree - I think it's fairly common but not the norm. None of my girlfriends lived with their boyfriends until they were engaged, and most did not move in together until after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

As I said above, I disagree - I think it's fairly common but not the norm. None of my girlfriends lived with their boyfriends until they were engaged, and most did not move in together until after the wedding.

I agree, it depends on the circles you move in.
I am liberal, but not stupid. Living together was not for me. No commitment meant no cohabby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

Was it Beyonce who said something about putting a ring on it?
Anyway, I still say that anything goes before engagement. I would encourage any woman to accept invitations for dates until marriage since you never know.

[Anonymous]

If I had lived with my husband before marrying him, we never would have gotten married. So who's the stupid one, OP? Yeah, that's right, me - for not understanding that he's a controlling ass. That didn't come through until we moved in together about one month before the wedding. If I could turn back time, I would never have gotten married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thnk if its what two people truly want to do, then yes they should live together. However, I say that knowing more than a couple of women who got into living together situations when what they really wanted was marriage. It just became something that kind of nagged at them and then came up during fights with their boyfriends. I got married for the first time at 38 and never lived with any boyfriends first. I guess I felt like what I need to know about a person is more about his values, responsibilties, hopes etc..not how much he picks up his socks. People don't divorce over trivial crap. Also, I knwo couples who got married simply because it was just the "logical" next step after living together, they kind of just fell into and are now divorced. to each his own I guess but I do think women who want more should not settle for living together if deep down they are not comfortable with that arrangement.

+1. Marriage often follows cohabitation not because it is the right thing, but because the couple has too much sunk into the situation after some time has gone by to feel comfortable backing out. Which is a really, really bad reason to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you can be engaged without a ring. So technically, you're engaged? But just waiting on the ring?

I had never thought of it this way (since usually if you tell someone you're engaged they ask to see the ring), but i suppose since we do talk about ideas for weddings and very basic planning then we're kind of engaged. Just without the official "will you marry me?" With a ring.

Honey, the ring is the least of concerns around getting married. Really, it is.

You do not need a ring to choose to marry, and if you think you do, well, your understanding of what is involved here is skewed at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thnk if its what two people truly want to do, then yes they should live together. However, I say that knowing more than a couple of women who got into living together situations when what they really wanted was marriage. It just became something that kind of nagged at them and then came up during fights with their boyfriends. I got married for the first time at 38 and never lived with any boyfriends first. I guess I felt like what I need to know about a person is more about his values, responsibilties, hopes etc..not how much he picks up his socks. People don't divorce over trivial crap. Also, I knwo couples who got married simply because it was just the "logical" next step after living together, they kind of just fell into and are now divorced. to each his own I guess but I do think women who want more should not settle for living together if deep down they are not comfortable with that arrangement.

+1. Marriage often follows cohabitation not because it is the right thing, but because the couple has too much sunk into the situation after some time has gone by to feel comfortable backing out. Which is a really, really bad reason to get married.

+100. Totally agree and know people who went down this route and regretted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously people. Getting "married" is one single day of your entire life. If people spent half the time invested in their relationship than their wedding, we'd see a lot less divorce.
It's not "cohabiting" or "trying someone out". As an early 30-something most of my professional peers have lived with someone- most still with the same person- before getting married. They did this AFTER having lived on their own (moving home with parents doesn't count as being on your own). And... many operate separate financial accounts along with a few joint accounts. Scary (insert sarcasm).

The idea that you will graduate from college at 22, get married and live happily ever after is a nightmare and completely unrealistic- both emotionally and fiscally.

This quote really changed my mind. I was of the camp that believed, "why milk the cow can we you can get it for free." i was married at the age of 24 and gave birth at 26. i went back to grad school and now work full time. my spouse just asked me to sign a post-nuptial document concerning the house we are about to move into. i basically get a small portion and hand over the rest to him. if i don't sign then he leaves. yes, stupid me. stupid life. so much for getting married at 24 to someone i didn't really know because i had not lived with him....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

As I said above, I disagree - I think it's fairly common but not the norm. None of my girlfriends lived with their boyfriends until they were engaged, and most did not move in together until after the wedding.

I agree, it depends on the circles you move in.
I am liberal, but not stupid. Living together was not for me. No commitment meant no cohabby.

But he was still getting the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

Was it Beyonce who said something about putting a ring on it?
Anyway, I still say that anything goes before engagement. I would encourage any woman to accept invitations for dates until marriage since you never know.

Interesting, you seem to have a different view of courtship than I do. I and every single one of my friends had an exclusive monogamous relationship long before engagement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously people. Getting "married" is one single day of your entire life. If people spent half the time invested in their relationship than their wedding, we'd see a lot less divorce.
It's not "cohabiting" or "trying someone out". As an early 30-something most of my professional peers have lived with someone- most still with the same person- before getting married. They did this AFTER having lived on their own (moving home with parents doesn't count as being on your own). And... many operate separate financial accounts along with a few joint accounts. Scary (insert sarcasm).

The idea that you will graduate from college at 22, get married and live happily ever after is a nightmare and completely unrealistic- both emotionally and fiscally.

This quote really changed my mind. I was of the camp that believed, "why milk the cow can we you can get it for free." i was married at the age of 24 and gave birth at 26. i went back to grad school and now work full time. my spouse just asked me to sign a post-nuptial document concerning the house we are about to move into. i basically get a small portion and hand over the rest to him. if i don't sign then he leaves. yes, stupid me. stupid life. so much for getting married at 24 to someone i didn't really know because i had not lived with him....

Very sorry this is happening, such a low way to treat someone you promised to love and cherish.

Don't sign agreement. Don't move into house. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. If he is threatening to leave, it's only a matter of time before he does. And it will be better for you, he's an A**HOLE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously people. Getting "married" is one single day of your entire life. If people spent half the time invested in their relationship than their wedding, we'd see a lot less divorce.
It's not "cohabiting" or "trying someone out". As an early 30-something most of my professional peers have lived with someone- most still with the same person- before getting married. They did this AFTER having lived on their own (moving home with parents doesn't count as being on your own). And... many operate separate financial accounts along with a few joint accounts. Scary (insert sarcasm).

The idea that you will graduate from college at 22, get married and live happily ever after is a nightmare and completely unrealistic- both emotionally and fiscally.

This quote really changed my mind. I was of the camp that believed, "why milk the cow can we you can get it for free." i was married at the age of 24 and gave birth at 26. i went back to grad school and now work full time. my spouse just asked me to sign a post-nuptial document concerning the house we are about to move into. i basically get a small portion and hand over the rest to him. if i don't sign then he leaves. yes, stupid me. stupid life. so much for getting married at 24 to someone i didn't really know because i had not lived with him....

Very sorry this is happening, such a low way to treat someone you promised to love and cherish.

Don't sign agreement. Don't move into house. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. If he is threatening to leave, it's only a matter of time before he does. And it will be better for you, he's an A**HOLE.

Get a LAWYER pronot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would write that you are completely ignorant, but I don't know how old you are (you mentioned this being a "generational" issue). My mom is almost 70 and she is definitely not of this mindset, so perhaps you are older? Let me guess, born before WW2?

I don't know....my widowed mother lived with her second husband for 4 years before finally agreeing to marry him when she was 50 (she's now 72). My then 90 year old grandmother told me to live with my BF (now DH) before marrying him. People who think sex and cohabitation wasn't happening in all the other generations are idiots. Why do you think 'common law marriage' laws were on the books for so long - in fact, some states still have them. Chastity before marriage was never universal and wasn't the norm in the historical past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I currently live with my bf. We are planning on getting engaged by December. He actually wants to get engaged/married sooner but due to clinicals and being broke, I've requested to hold things off for a bit. Funny thing, in response to something a pp said, people usually ask us if we're married and it is my bf who says "pretty much, we're just waiting to make it official ". As to another pp who said it prevents another man getting a chance with me...why the heck would i want that? !?! My bf is the love of my life and I'm his.

At 26, I've had several friends who moved in with their boyfriends who they thought were "the one". They each had things crop up about each other that they only knew about by living together. So isnt it better to find that out before rather than get married and be miserable or get divorced?

So, i guess just add me to the list of people who live with their bf, arr incredibly happy and looking forward to when my clinicals are over so i can start planning a wedding!!

Can someone explain to me when people say they are "planning" to get engaged? Isn't that like saying, I'm planning on planning to get married? Isn't the engagement itself the planning? I don't understand how you can plan to get engaged.

Really? You didn't know you were going to get engaged before you got engaged?