Women: Cohabitation with your boyfriend is stupid

[Anonymous]

I thnk if its what two people truly want to do, then yes they should live together. However, I say that knowing more than a couple of women who got into living together situations when what they really wanted was marriage. It just became something that kind of nagged at them and then came up during fights with their boyfriends. I got married for the first time at 38 and never lived with any boyfriends first. I guess I felt like what I need to know about a person is more about his values, responsibilties, hopes etc..not how much he picks up his socks. People don't divorce over trivial crap. Also, I knwo couples who got married simply because it was just the "logical" next step after living together, they kind of just fell into and are now divorced. to each his own I guess but I do think women who want more should not settle for living together if deep down they are not comfortable with that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the side of PPs who think it's a bad idea, for several reasons. First, I think living together is the worst of both worlds - you lose the benefits of singledom and take on the burdens of marriage without the rewards of either. When you live with someone, you are effectively shut out of other options. It's hard to date others and no quality man will date you if you already live with someone, and in my opinion, that sort of commitment should be reserved for the husband, not a live-in boyfriend. In my country, there's a going joke that when you ask a live-in girlfriend who she lives with, she'll say, "with my almost husband". And the man will say "with this one chick." I personally wanted to date many men, spend all day in my pajamas if I wanted to, have sole custody over remote control and eat ice cream for breakfast if I wanted to. No way I would give that all up for someone less than marriage.

Then again I know many women who have lived with their boyfriends for 10+ years, and if neither party pines for marriage or is open to alternatives, then whatever make them happy.

[Anonymous]

DH and I lived together for 3 years and had a child together before getting married. Oh the horror! We are happily married with two children now. I don't clean up for him or even cook. If that was our try out period and I was being judged on my domesticity I would've failed miserably. LOL. Apparently my DH has lower standards or just isn't living in 1950. 8)

[FBO]

I dont think this thread turned out as expected.

[Anonymous]

My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

[Anonymous]

Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My objection to co habitating is that you cut yourself off from all the potential men who might have asked you out. Another man is very unlikely to ask you out if you are living with someone.
Also, even too much talk about a boy friend will turn off potential suitors.

I think that living with a person (prefer that to "cohabiting", if you please) requires a level of commitment over casual dating, so the person is most likely not in the market to be asked out by other men.

OP - I think that living with someone before marriage is the norm rather than the exception these days...and there may be many solid reasons to delay marriage, like saving up for a wedding, paying off student debt, etc. It helps to be able to pool resources even if you aren't ready for marriage yet. And please, enough of the gender stereotypes! The year is 2012.

[Anonymous]

I currently live with my bf. We are planning on getting engaged by December. He actually wants to get engaged/married sooner but due to clinicals and being broke, I've requested to hold things off for a bit. Funny thing, in response to something a pp said, people usually ask us if we're married and it is my bf who says "pretty much, we're just waiting to make it official ". As to another pp who said it prevents another man getting a chance with me...why the heck would i want that? !?! My bf is the love of my life and I'm his.

At 26, I've had several friends who moved in with their boyfriends who they thought were "the one". They each had things crop up about each other that they only knew about by living together. So isnt it better to find that out before rather than get married and be miserable or get divorced?

So, i guess just add me to the list of people who live with their bf, arr incredibly happy and looking forward to when my clinicals are over so i can start planning a wedding!!

[Anonymous]

My ex wanted to be married and I didnt. We were making about the same but I didnt think he was as driven as I and I was concerned about potentially splitting my pension with him one day if we divorced. While living together, I also discovered he was an alcoholic (he would clean up the evidence before I moved in and I was spending 5-6 nights a week there). So glad I saw that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I currently live with my bf. We are planning on getting engaged by December. He actually wants to get engaged/married sooner but due to clinicals and being broke, I've requested to hold things off for a bit. Funny thing, in response to something a pp said, people usually ask us if we're married and it is my bf who says "pretty much, we're just waiting to make it official ". As to another pp who said it prevents another man getting a chance with me...why the heck would i want that? !?! My bf is the love of my life and I'm his.

At 26, I've had several friends who moved in with their boyfriends who they thought were "the one". They each had things crop up about each other that they only knew about by living together. So isnt it better to find that out before rather than get married and be miserable or get divorced?

So, i guess just add me to the list of people who live with their bf, arr incredibly happy and looking forward to when my clinicals are over so i can start planning a wedding!!

Can someone explain to me when people say they are "planning" to get engaged? Isn't that like saying, I'm planning on planning to get married? Isn't the engagement itself the planning? I don't understand how you can plan to get engaged.

[Anonymous]

I have a diamond. from my grandmother (no setting, just a diamond) ive gone to my mom's jeweller and picked out several settings i like. When bf goes to buy a ring, he'll have about 10 different settings to choose from that he knows i like. He was the one who wanted to do this. A few months ago we were talking about our future and he told me he wants to be engaged and get married soon. While he has a good salary (120k right outside boston) i am currently only able to work 10 hours a week due to classes and clinials. While i pay my part of the rent, he pays for everything else. SO money, the fact that i have no time to plan a wedding, and my wanting to be done with school and go back to working full time, dictate us waiting to get engaged and married. He knows how badly i want that though, so we talk about it often.

I know most people think the engagement is the planning, but i know the second that ring is on my finger, i will be so excited that I'll begin planning etc. Right now, with my schedule, i cant devote any time to that. To each their own but it works for us and we're both happy.

[Anonymous]

But you can be engaged without a ring. So technically, you're engaged? But just waiting on the ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived together with DH for three years before getting married. It's seven years later and we have two kids..... I will caveat with this -- I don't see the point of having a live-in boyfriend if you are too young -- I think that early 20s should be sent playing the fields as women rather than cereal monogamy to get used to living on your own for a while.... For example, I think that it might be a mistake to move in with boyfriend straight out of college b/c you never get a sense of independence.... But to each their own!

I got married right out of college. Was 22. I have a friend that lived with her DH right out of college for 10 years before they got married. We both had kids about 28-30.

I think we both made mistakes because we never really experienced living on our own for a while and playing the field. We both regret it and now we are in our 40's we are considering having an affair or divorcing our spouses. We just want to experience being with other people and
making decisions independently. I think marrying or living together was less important than the fact of how young we were when we began living with our significant others

I only lived with my boyfriend while I was in my 20's and think of it as such a mistake, I think because at that young of an age you should be experiencing life! I was single at 30 ,thank god, and supported myself. It made a huge difference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you can be engaged without a ring. So technically, you're engaged? But just waiting on the ring?

I had never thought of it this way (since usually if you tell someone you're engaged they ask to see the ring), but i suppose since we do talk about ideas for weddings and very basic planning then we're kind of engaged. Just without the official "will you marry me?" With a ring.

[Anonymous]

Seriously people. Getting "married" is one single day of your entire life. If people spent half the time invested in their relationship than their wedding, we'd see a lot less divorce.
It's not "cohabiting" or "trying someone out". As an early 30-something most of my professional peers have lived with someone- most still with the same person- before getting married. They did this AFTER having lived on their own (moving home with parents doesn't count as being on your own). And... many operate separate financial accounts along with a few joint accounts. Scary (insert sarcasm).

The idea that you will graduate from college at 22, get married and live happily ever after is a nightmare and completely unrealistic- both emotionally and fiscally.