So weird, all the divorces.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure we surprised a number of people with news of our divorce - we weren't the type of couple who aired grievances in public, so only some close friends knew what was going on.

What I married, I never believed divorce was an option. But I don't think my ex believed this. I believe marriage does require the work and cooperation of both partners, and when one partner checks out early and often, a relationship can't be sustained by the other for long.

[Anonymous]

Hello-

Posting again. I am the one who spoke about research. Absolutely the number 1 cause is infidelity and I would leave my husband if I cheated. My response about interactions was addressing the person who predicted people who vent about their husbands on DCUM are destined for divorce or people who disagree a lot will divorce. It's complicated.

[Anonymous]

oops..I meant I would leave my husband if he cheated...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
really?

Kids cause divorces!

not saying I hate my children . . . But the stress they add, the worry, the consuming of time - All that leaves little time for couple togetherness.

No kidding...Life was simple when we had little kids. We stayed home, cooked dinner together, played with the baby who wasn't talking back or slamming her bedroom door. We weren't splitting up the endless afterschool activities, fighting over who practices piano with our son or eating drive thru dinners in our respective cars as we shuttle different kids to different sports practices. Somehow all of that leaves little time for the 'bonding experience.'

Yikes!
I hope when you get divorced, you don't tell your kids this is why!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello-

Posting again. I am the one who spoke about research. Absolutely the number 1 cause is infidelity and I would leave my husband if I cheated. My response about interactions was addressing the person who predicted people who vent about their husbands on DCUM are destined for divorce or people who disagree a lot will divorce. It's complicated.

Rolling my eyes at the "I would leave my husband if he cheated" (seriously you think that other post is the one who is naive?), but anyway. I think you misread that other poster - she wasn't saying that everyone who vents about their husbands or disagree will divorce. And you seriously can't see that infidelity may be the final straw, the "cause," of the divorce, but that I'd venture in the vast majority of cases there were issues long before the infidelity. There were in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You say that now, as I did, but when you're faced with the reality, it may be a different story. It's also not always cheating and finding out in the "awful awful way" that PPs have found out - there are different variations from years long relationships conducted behind a wive's back to one-time drunken mistakes. For my own particular situation, I think it would have been much more damaging to divorce given what he did and how he has acted since. He did a complete 180 as a man and as a father. It woke him the f up and he begged my forgiveness and has been showing me consistently fo almost a year now that he made a mistake and that he is remorseful and committed to us.

Would I prefer that it wasn't this way? Of course. And I will never have the innocence and the true faith in love that I had, and I'll be honest, I have lost a bit of respect for him as a man and a person that I will never get back. But I don't think divorcing him would have led me to a better place either. And it certainly is better for our kids.

Please don't judge - you have no idea of everyone's particular situation and really you have no idea what you'd do if your husband came to you and admitted he'd made a horrible mistake and begged your forgiveness.

I am also still with my husband after infidelity. It has been a real struggle. And yes, I once was a "I'll leave you in a second if you cheat" kind of person. Reality is a lot more complicated than black and white absolutes. In my case, I strongly agree with this poster. Husband also did 180, and worked to put our marriage back together. There are people who don't know, and I don't think they'd ever suspect he was a cheater. He doesn't seem the type, and his turning a 180 has put him back into being a solid, dependable, reliable, person. It has, however, absolutely changed a part of how I view him. I am not a jealous type who constantly asks where he is and what he's doing, but I can definitely say I don't have 100% faith and trust in him anymore. And honestly, maybe that's not a terrible thing. I certainly don't take being married for granted and now also work at the marriage. And yes, I very much believe that staying together (in a decent marriage) is much better for the kids than the alternative.

Thanks, PP. I'm the other poster who stayed with my husband after he cheated. How long has it been since you found out? It's so funny how I used to seriously 100% believe that I would leave him if he cheated and I also believed that if I told him that, that it would prevent him from doing so. Without a doubt, I would not put up with that, I'd say. And then when it happens and you see how many gray areas there are and you weigh what your life will be like on either side of the choice and you realize that people are human and they make mistakes and to walk out on everything you have worked toward and on your children's father would not be the right choice. That it's not always a lack of respect that causes people to cheat and that it's not always that he doesn't love you. There are so many variations on cheating - what happened, how you found out, how much lying, how he acts afterwards, whether there were other issues in the relationship, how public the situation is, etc. And you really can't cover them all with a "if any cheating occurs ever, I would immediately leave."

I really wish I could tell people or reach out and see how many more people like me there are. It is kind of lonely and I'm sure it happens more often that we know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You say that now, as I did, but when you're faced with the reality, it may be a different story. It's also not always cheating and finding out in the "awful awful way" that PPs have found out - there are different variations from years long relationships conducted behind a wive's back to one-time drunken mistakes. For my own particular situation, I think it would have been much more damaging to divorce given what he did and how he has acted since. He did a complete 180 as a man and as a father. It woke him the f up and he begged my forgiveness and has been showing me consistently fo almost a year now that he made a mistake and that he is remorseful and committed to us.

Would I prefer that it wasn't this way? Of course. And I will never have the innocence and the true faith in love that I had, and I'll be honest, I have lost a bit of respect for him as a man and a person that I will never get back. But I don't think divorcing him would have led me to a better place either. And it certainly is better for our kids.

Please don't judge - you have no idea of everyone's particular situation and really you have no idea what you'd do if your husband came to you and admitted he'd made a horrible mistake and begged your forgiveness.

I am also still with my husband after infidelity. It has been a real struggle. And yes, I once was a "I'll leave you in a second if you cheat" kind of person. Reality is a lot more complicated than black and white absolutes. In my case, I strongly agree with this poster. Husband also did 180, and worked to put our marriage back together. There are people who don't know, and I don't think they'd ever suspect he was a cheater. He doesn't seem the type, and his turning a 180 has put him back into being a solid, dependable, reliable, person. It has, however, absolutely changed a part of how I view him. I am not a jealous type who constantly asks where he is and what he's doing, but I can definitely say I don't have 100% faith and trust in him anymore. And honestly, maybe that's not a terrible thing. I certainly don't take being married for granted and now also work at the marriage. And yes, I very much believe that staying together (in a decent marriage) is much better for the kids than the alternative.

Thanks, PP. I'm the other poster who stayed with my husband after he cheated. How long has it been since you found out? It's so funny how I used to seriously 100% believe that I would leave him if he cheated and I also believed that if I told him that, that it would prevent him from doing so. Without a doubt, I would not put up with that, I'd say. And then when it happens and you see how many gray areas there are and you weigh what your life will be like on either side of the choice and you realize that people are human and they make mistakes and to walk out on everything you have worked toward and on your children's father would not be the right choice. That it's not always a lack of respect that causes people to cheat and that it's not always that he doesn't love you. There are so many variations on cheating - what happened, how you found out, how much lying, how he acts afterwards, whether there were other issues in the relationship, how public the situation is, etc. And you really can't cover them all with a "if any cheating occurs ever, I would immediately leave."

I really wish I could tell people or reach out and see how many more people like me there are. It is kind of lonely and I'm sure it happens more often that we know.

It's been almost 5 years. And yes, things were very, very complicated in our relationship prior to the cheating. In our case, he "fell in love" with his junior staffer who was 15 years our junior (and guess what? she was really fun and had no complications in her life!). GAG. it was bad. It was really bad, and I am quite honestly surprised we managed to keep it together. Initially he wanted to leave, and I said he didn't just get a free pass out - he needed to resolve things with me before leaving our family. We went to counseling (joint and separate) for several months. I was honestly working my way to a place of agreeing to divorce. After three months of this (we were sleeping in separate rooms, and mostly leading separate lives, but attending weekly counseling), he said, I had made a huge mistake and want to fix it, and we spent a lot of time fixing it, though we found we didn't need as much counseling.

I read a lot - there are a lot of people like us. It's been so long, but I think actually 2/3rd of marriages stay together after infidelity. Not sure how many are happy marriages, but I would characterize ours as reasonably happy. Time helps. Our first anniversary I was a mess, and refused to get him anything, even a card. I could not bear those "you are my best friend and constant true companion" sentiments. I still avoid cards that try to express how we were meant to be and I'd be lost without him. I cried a lot that first year. And there were definitely triggers. But it's all part of life. I feel like I'm making it sound awful and why on earth did we try again. But in the whole, it's better for all of us, and certainly better for the kids. We have fun together. I do love him, and I do believe he loves me. We have a good, fun life.

Trying to think of good books - there's one with a strong Christian bent (we are not super religious but it clicked for us, somehow) called His Needs, Her Needs. I found a lot of resources. Divorce Busters, maybe? THere's a whole series of books by one author about marriages/infidelity/holding it together. There are online message boards. It can be very lonely. Hang in there and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to 17:25 They are mostly healthy living blogs except that Dooce person. I actually feel gossipy speculating because the bloggers who I suspect are now separated really seem like sweet people-people i would like if I met IRL. If you follow these blogs, you would notice. Husband hasn't been mentioned in a looooong time, some couple photos have been taken down or husband's photo has been blurred out or cut out, photos without ring, but no mention which i understand.

Dooce is getting a divorce, I believe she blogged about the separation.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 12:56 - our situations sound very similar except that my DH just had a very brief sexual affair. It's been almost a year and I'm actually starting to do much better. I have read a ton of books and other online resources and we are in counseling (though we only go every month or so these days). Your sentiment of "But in the whole, it's better for all of us, and certainly better for the kids. We have fun together. I do love him, and I do believe he loves me. We have a good, fun life." - that's where we are now and that's where I think we will be. I wish he hadn't done what he did, and I will never 100% trust or respect him (which sounds sad, I guess, but if it's still 75% trust and respect is that completely bad?). But we are happy and we are much much more appreciative of the work that needs to be put into a marriage nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.

Americans are so uptight about infidelity. You need to accept it and move past it, and it should not be the reason to end a marriage.

You are a very bitter, angry person to make a comment like that. Actually my husband did not sleep with ONE person; he is a serial cheater who did this throughout our marriage. He lied to me constantly. He betrayed me constantly. He got psychological help, but it didn't stop his behavior for long. He spent our money on these women, which I consider stealing. His work and career suffered. He became a distracted father to our three young children.

Once I found out, there was no way I would accept and move past it - I deserve better than that in life. And so do my children.

Next time, maybe you should think before you post such a nasty remark to someone on a thread like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure we surprised a number of people with news of our divorce - we weren't the type of couple who aired grievances in public, so only some close friends knew what was going on.

What I married, I never believed divorce was an option. But I don't think my ex believed this. I believe marriage does require the work and cooperation of both partners, and when one partner checks out early and often, a relationship can't be sustained by the other for long.

This. And it sucks.

Ex has also checked out in many ways of parenting and one kiddo is having serious anger and emotional problems. I'm in family therapy with the kids and kiddo has own therapist and it's not getting better. Ex moved on immediately (or sooner) and moved in with gf who has partial custody of her kids, including one the same age and gender as troubled kiddo. Ex was a crappy spouse but an even worse parent. Some parents rise to the occasion in the PT parenting world of divorce, but in our case the floor keeps dropping. It's very sad. Kiddo is very disruptive at home and has been violent to younger sibs, ex just says "what do you want me to do, I don't even live there anymore". The other parent of your kids is sooooooo important. He won't commit to them or really go away, it's a dinner or two a week, enough to stir the pot but not to meet their needs. He had a bad childhood and thought that he was into being married and having kids. I think he resented the time and focus that he had enjoyed from me shifting to the kids, esp the child with sn. It wasn't fun and it wasn't about him. He isn't likely to walk away, he likes the attention from the kids and the less they see him the more they work to entertain and engage him. Sucks to be them but he is "very happy" with how his life is.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one of those people who shocked people with news of my divorce. We never aired our dirty laundry and in public we were always great, always funny and happy and loving. Even now, when we're out with the kids at an event or party, there are people who don't realize we aren't together. And because we've decided to continue keeping our business our business, most people still can't figure out what went wrong (and believe me, they aren't shy about asking).

I know that it makes some people in our lives nuts that we won't reveal too much about our issues, and I get that it's more than just morbid curiosity, that people are trying to figure out if our issues are their issues too and if they should worry. But seriously, if you have a friend or acquaintance who is divorcing and they aren't offering up reasons for the decision, do them the biggest favor on earth and don't press for why.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 20 years. Trust me, you NEVER know what's going on in someone else's marriage. Two couples we knew were always so love dovey and hanging all over each other that it made the rest of us feel like we were cold fish! Turns out a spouse in each marriage was cheating. You just never know. Now I sometimes think that all that PDA is overcompensation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.

Sorry to hear this, pp. Hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

I have several co-workers who are on their 4th marriages, no widows or widowers.

Two of them are in the process of divorce.