So weird, all the divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several co-workers who are on their 4th marriages, no widows or widowers.

Two of them are in the process of divorce.

Out of curiosity-what line of work? I just find it interesting you have several co-workers on their 4th marriage. I've heard a lot of surgeons are on their 2nd,3rd, 4th marriage. Investment bankers too. I personally know someone who does recruiting/head hunting who is on marriage number 4 and she's definitely a charmer with a lot of energy who is constantly meeting new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.

Americans are so uptight about infidelity. You need to accept it and move past it, and it should not be the reason to end a marriage.

You are a very bitter, angry person to make a comment like that. Actually my husband did not sleep with ONE person; he is a serial cheater who did this throughout our marriage. He lied to me constantly. He betrayed me constantly. He got psychological help, but it didn't stop his behavior for long. He spent our money on these women, which I consider stealing. His work and career suffered. He became a distracted father to our three young children.

Once I found out, there was no way I would accept and move past it - I deserve better than that in life. And so do my children.

Next time, maybe you should think before you post such a nasty remark to someone on a thread like this.

no, not angry and not bitter. I just don't understand why it is that big of a deal. It is not the norm for men in recorded history to accept monogamy. I think allowing mistresses / legalized prostitution would be good for many marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.

I could never forgive my husband for cheating on me. That would be the end. I'd rather be alone.

Aot of people say this and mean it, but until you've been in that position, you don't know how you will react.

No, I know.

As a self-supporting woman with a solid salary, I'd say, "See ya!"

[Anonymous]

I'm the one whose husband cheated last year and I want to state for the record that I am a working mom and I make more than my husband. Don't think it's a SAHM feeling like you have no financial choice thing to decide to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.

Americans are so uptight about infidelity. You need to accept it and move past it, and it should not be the reason to end a marriage.

You are a very bitter, angry person to make a comment like that. Actually my husband did not sleep with ONE person; he is a serial cheater who did this throughout our marriage. He lied to me constantly. He betrayed me constantly. He got psychological help, but it didn't stop his behavior for long. He spent our money on these women, which I consider stealing. His work and career suffered. He became a distracted father to our three young children.

Once I found out, there was no way I would accept and move past it - I deserve better than that in life. And so do my children.

Next time, maybe you should think before you post such a nasty remark to someone on a thread like this.

no, not angry and not bitter. I just don't understand why it is that big of a deal. It is not the norm for men in recorded history to accept monogamy. I think allowing mistresses / legalized prostitution would be good for many marriages.

I think it depends what kind of man you marry and what expectations are. In other cultures there are different expectations on fidelity but there are also different expectations on the nature of the relationship between a husband and wife. My sister tried an open marriage with her now ex-husband when she was unsatisfied. It worked for a while and then they got divorced and they are both back in monogamous relationships with people they got involved with during the open relationship period, both of the new spouses have experience in the open relationship world.

For me, with the kind of relationship and expectations I have with DH that does not appeal to either of us in the least. And yes, I have significant confidence about him and his views on this. I cannot predict how he will always be, people do sometimes change, but we are close enough that I think that I would pick up on something if he changed his perspective on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think the PP's point was that the first poster was only talking about the men's needs really. A man can feel king of his castle when he is giving the woman what she needs - to feel loved, supported. There needs to be mutual respect and it takes both partners working on things.

Either way, this is totally "men are from mars women are from venus" stuff. Not saying it is wrong, but that is exactly where it comes from.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that infidelity is often equivalent to stealing. If a spouse is spending marital money - and in a marriage, all money is marital IMHO - on a lover, that's a theft. It's also a theft of emotional energy.

And it's not just the sexual infidelity, it's all the behaviors that go into sustaining cheating. Lying, deceiving, hiding information, it spirals totally out of control and affects every area of the couple's relationship.

I think it's fine if people want to have open marriages where dating other people is agreed upon. But if you choose to marry someone who you KNOW requires monogamy, and you violate that, you are breaking your contract with your spouse. And that's more than just a legal agreement. I'm not religious but I feel marriage is a sacred promise. Whatever the two people promise each other. One partner can't just change the fidelity part of the agreement because they feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think that's all crap. People may have different needs, but stereotyping it by gender is irrating to me. It's along the lines that I *must* have some guilt about being a working mom. I had some brief moments after my kids were born where I wondered if there was something wrong with me as a person for not feeling guilt AT ALL for going back to work after my kids were born. My DH and both missed our LOs and loved to rush pick them up after work but I never had any doubts or guilt just as he didn't.

So, if we are truly partners in our marriage why would one person need something more than the other. It's just ridiculous. Why do I need a DH to feel safe? Do you mean physically, emotinally, what?? Also, why wouldn't my DH want to feel loved any more than I do? I know he loves me and he know I love him. We show that mainly through respecting each other. I just don't understand why we need different things in our relationship. We need him to be a 50/50 partner and love and respect me the same way I love and respect him.

Btw, I told him that I felt bad that I didn't treat him like the "king of his castle" and he laughed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think that's all crap. People may have different needs, but stereotyping it by gender is irrating to me. It's along the lines that I *must* have some guilt about being a working mom. I had some brief moments after my kids were born where I wondered if there was something wrong with me as a person for not feeling guilt AT ALL for going back to work after my kids were born. My DH and both missed our LOs and loved to rush pick them up after work but I never had any doubts or guilt just as he didn't.

So, if we are truly partners in our marriage why would one person need something more than the other. It's just ridiculous. Why do I need a DH to feel safe? Do you mean physically, emotinally, what?? Also, why wouldn't my DH want to feel loved any more than I do? I know he loves me and he know I love him. We show that mainly through respecting each other. I just don't understand why we need different things in our relationship. We need him to be a 50/50 partner and love and respect me the same way I love and respect him.

Btw, I told him that I felt bad that I didn't treat him like the "king of his castle" and he laughed!

how silly to deny gender differences. spend an afternoon watching mammals interact at a zoo or in the woods and then get back to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think that's all crap. People may have different needs, but stereotyping it by gender is irrating to me. It's along the lines that I *must* have some guilt about being a working mom. I had some brief moments after my kids were born where I wondered if there was something wrong with me as a person for not feeling guilt AT ALL for going back to work after my kids were born. My DH and both missed our LOs and loved to rush pick them up after work but I never had any doubts or guilt just as he didn't.

So, if we are truly partners in our marriage why would one person need something more than the other. It's just ridiculous. Why do I need a DH to feel safe? Do you mean physically, emotinally, what?? Also, why wouldn't my DH want to feel loved any more than I do? I know he loves me and he know I love him. We show that mainly through respecting each other. I just don't understand why we need different things in our relationship. We need him to be a 50/50 partner and love and respect me the same way I love and respect him.

Btw, I told him that I felt bad that I didn't treat him like the "king of his castle" and he laughed!

how silly to deny gender differences. spend an afternoon watching mammals interact at a zoo or in the woods and then get back to me.

I'm not denying them, but I feel we are moving past many of them that stem from sociatal pressures. Norms about the roles of women and men have changed drastically, but not enough to move past calling some of them gender differences. I still have some traditional maternal instincts, but I didn't feel any more guilt going back to work than my DH did (which was actually none) but that is still accepted in our society as being okay for dads and not for moms. I felt pressure to pretend that I felt bad all day my first few weeks back at work because so many people gave me the *oh poor you* look. My DH didn't get any of those looks or comments.

I just see few differences in the needs of my DH and I emotionally and physically. I really should be treating my DH differently than I expect him to treat me? I honestly don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think that's all crap. People may have different needs, but stereotyping it by gender is irrating to me. It's along the lines that I *must* have some guilt about being a working mom. I had some brief moments after my kids were born where I wondered if there was something wrong with me as a person for not feeling guilt AT ALL for going back to work after my kids were born. My DH and both missed our LOs and loved to rush pick them up after work but I never had any doubts or guilt just as he didn't.

So, if we are truly partners in our marriage why would one person need something more than the other. It's just ridiculous. Why do I need a DH to feel safe? Do you mean physically, emotinally, what?? Also, why wouldn't my DH want to feel loved any more than I do? I know he loves me and he know I love him. We show that mainly through respecting each other. I just don't understand why we need different things in our relationship. We need him to be a 50/50 partner and love and respect me the same way I love and respect him.

Btw, I told him that I felt bad that I didn't treat him like the "king of his castle" and he laughed!

how silly to deny gender differences. spend an afternoon watching mammals interact at a zoo or in the woods and then get back to me.

I'm not denying them, but I feel we are moving past many of them that stem from sociatal pressures. Norms about the roles of women and men have changed drastically, but not enough to move past calling some of them gender differences. I still have some traditional maternal instincts, but I didn't feel any more guilt going back to work than my DH did (which was actually none) but that is still accepted in our society as being okay for dads and not for moms. I felt pressure to pretend that I felt bad all day my first few weeks back at work because so many people gave me the *oh poor you* look. My DH didn't get any of those looks or comments.

I just see few differences in the needs of my DH and I emotionally and physically. I really should be treating my DH differently than I expect him to treat me? I honestly don't get it.

you are an outlier. most new moms feel differently. that is not based on societal pressures, that is based on hormones and evolution.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the genes differences are bunk. BUT, I do think that people are different and have different needs, and people seek out partners who fill their needs. And that there is a spectrum, and you may fall anywhere on that spectrum.

So that, by and by, on the large, women tend to express a specific set of needs, and men tend to express a different set of needs.

The book his Needs, Her Needs, which I referenced a couple of pages back, does a good job of explaining this in a way that isn't too terribly Women are like X, Men are like Y. (though it does a bit of that, and is from a very Christian perspective, so you have to kind of screen some of that out if it doesn't work for you). It's been years, but what he does is list ten needs that most people tend to have, and have each partner rank those needs. Women tend to value safety and security needs higher than the other needs, men tend to value admiration and respect higher than the other needs. Not everyone - or everyone in the same gender - ranks the needs exactly the same way.

Other couples counseling books talk about it like this - there's the old adage treat people like YOU want to be treated. Which is kind of self centered, isn't it? Treat people like THEY want to be treated. How they want to be treated - what they value - may or may not be how you want to be treated, or what you value. Differences in people are ok and good. People are different. So figure out what motivates or rewards your partner, and give them that. Don't give them what motivates or rewards you.

So yes. It may seem cliched or trite, and it may not fit your circumstances, but in my case, my husband wanted me to say (and, um, obviously I am waaay oversimplifying this) you are great! You did a great job! I so appreciate everything you do for the family! And I wanted my husband to say you are cherished! You are loved! You matter! If my husband said to me (and again - way oversimplifying this) I so appreciate everything you do for the family I would think, I am not your maid!

Gender differences discussions used to annoy me, because I am not a girly girl, and quite honestly I don't give a shot about the state of my floors or whether the laundry is done every wek and everything is perfectly folded and put away. But my husband does care, a great deal, about homemaking stuff, so that's another area where I am conscious of his perceptions. And vice versa, there are things I care about that he doesn't, and he takes more care with those things than he might if he lived on his own. It's really about mutual respect.

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Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".

So, women don't need to feel respected? All men need are to feel respected and to be the "king of their castle?" I don't even know what that means!!!! King of their freakin' castle? Please tell me you are a SAHM that needs to believe this in order to justify that you have an important role to take care of this "king of your castle.". Honestly, if my DH ever said this to me I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself!

We both work f/t, have built our life together (including that not-so-castle-like house we live in) and share all of the household and child rearing activities 50/50. I say that respect needs to go both ways and both partners need to feel loved.

If there are any women who think he's not being treated like a man should, please come and clean my house and take care of my "king" so I can go off for a spa day and feel like a queen!

you may laugh, but the PP is right. there are huge genetic and evolutionary differences between men and women. men and women have different needs.

I think that's all crap. People may have different needs, but stereotyping it by gender is irrating to me. It's along the lines that I *must* have some guilt about being a working mom. I had some brief moments after my kids were born where I wondered if there was something wrong with me as a person for not feeling guilt AT ALL for going back to work after my kids were born. My DH and both missed our LOs and loved to rush pick them up after work but I never had any doubts or guilt just as he didn't.

So, if we are truly partners in our marriage why would one person need something more than the other. It's just ridiculous. Why do I need a DH to feel safe? Do you mean physically, emotinally, what?? Also, why wouldn't my DH want to feel loved any more than I do? I know he loves me and he know I love him. We show that mainly through respecting each other. I just don't understand why we need different things in our relationship. We need him to be a 50/50 partner and love and respect me the same way I love and respect him.

Btw, I told him that I felt bad that I didn't treat him like the "king of his castle" and he laughed!

how silly to deny gender differences. spend an afternoon watching mammals interact at a zoo or in the woods and then get back to me.

I'm not denying them, but I feel we are moving past many of them that stem from sociatal pressures. Norms about the roles of women and men have changed drastically, but not enough to move past calling some of them gender differences. I still have some traditional maternal instincts, but I didn't feel any more guilt going back to work than my DH did (which was actually none) but that is still accepted in our society as being okay for dads and not for moms. I felt pressure to pretend that I felt bad all day my first few weeks back at work because so many people gave me the *oh poor you* look. My DH didn't get any of those looks or comments.

I just see few differences in the needs of my DH and I emotionally and physically. I really should be treating my DH differently than I expect him to treat me? I honestly don't get it.

you are an outlier. most new moms feel differently. that is not based on societal pressures, that is based on hormones and evolution.

I used to think I was an outlier and maybe I am, but the more I opened up about my feelings with my friends and moms in my office many of them said they felt the same way but didn't act like it because everyone assumed they would come to work weepy and sad to be away from their DC. Now I missed my kids for sure and couldn't wait to scoop them up at the end of a work day but I never felt guilty or had a hard time concentrating on work while in the office. I think if more people talked about it you'd be surprised that I'm not such an outlier.