Friend wants to have a baby - 54 years old

[Anonymous]

I just had twins at 54, with donor eggs. We used Columbia Fertility. The pregnancy was fine, and the twins are both healthy. To the commentators who opine that its "nuts" and the woman is "crazy" to have children at 54, you are so wrong! My husband is 53, and we are all doing fine and are excited to have a wonderful family. Stop being so judgmental!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had twins at 54, with donor eggs. We used Columbia Fertility. The pregnancy was fine, and the twins are both healthy. To the commentators who opine that its "nuts" and the woman is "crazy" to have children at 54, you are so wrong! My husband is 53, and we are all doing fine and are excited to have a wonderful family. Stop being so judgmental!

You'd better toughen up because you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Wait until your kids get to elementary school and you are 60. You really think that the 35 year old mothers there won't "judge?"

[Anonymous]

Wow! I was disappointed in my early 40s when docs told me it was likely too late for me unless I was willing to use donor egg (I wasn't). We ended up adopting and couldn't be happier. I am 50 years older than my daughter and already feel this is very unfair to my child. Plus, not having any siblings for her, I am hoping does not make her feel so very alone.

Your friend will have to come to the realization on her own after talking with doctors. If you try to tell her, she likely won't accept it. I had a friend get mad at me for suggesting adopting when she was having trouble conceiving. She was not ready to accept reality and consider other options.

Realistically, adoption or using a surrogate AND donor egg seem the only routes left. Is her husband also in his 50s? China used to have age 55 as the age limit (not sure of their rules now.) Adoption is a wonderful option, but not if one is still grieving having a biological child. That's not fair then to the child who is adopted.

So, I agree with the others. Stay out of it, but if she brings the topic up, just be there to listen, to follow her on her journey, whatever route she decides to take.

[Anonymous]

In any case, your friend better make some decisions soon! Procrastinating any longer really will remove her options completely!

[Anonymous]

And I thought having a baby at 40 made me old. Im practically a spring chicken!

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that so many people are negative on older parents when the reality is that there are lots and lots of children in the U.S. being raised by their grandparents for one reason or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that so many people are negative on older parents when the reality is that there are lots and lots of children in the U.S. being raised by their grandparents for one reason or another.

I think you will find people are quite negative on mothers that give over their kids to be raised by their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if this works, and it likely won't, at least not without a lot of difficulty, she'll be collecting Social Security when the kid is 10 years old. Is this fair to the kid?

good news for her is she'll get a social security payment for her under 18 yo children as well. A carryover from the disability portion of social security that mainly has applied to older fathers who collect benefits.

[Anonymous]

I think your friend probably can't have children (but then, there was somebody on the other thread who had twins at 54!), but if she were to have the children, it would be to the benefit of those children. I am a child of older parents (39, 42). They died when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. It was tough, but would I rather not to have been born? That's crazy. I am grateful that they gave me birth and miss them dearly. It helps that I have 2 older siblings whom I am very close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend probably can't have children (but then, there was somebody on the other thread who had twins at 54!), but if she were to have the children, it would be to the benefit of those children. I am a child of older parents (39, 42). They died when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. It was tough, but would I rather not to have been born? That's crazy. I am grateful that they gave me birth and miss them dearly. It helps that I have 2 older siblings whom I am very close to.

Yes, but there is a 15 year difference between when you were born and when this lady wants to conceive. If it was hard loosing your parents as a 20-30 something with older siblings, immagine how much more difficult it would be to have both parents pass away from old age when you are a young or mid teen without any siblings. Imagine having to deal with a parent facing dementia, alzheimers or crippling physical deterioration of your parents by yourself as a teen. Or having to negotiate home health care or nursing homes for your parents when you are only a teen.

It is a big difference from your parents having a last minute surprise in their late 30s/early 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend probably can't have children (but then, there was somebody on the other thread who had twins at 54!), but if she were to have the children, it would be to the benefit of those children. I am a child of older parents (39, 42). They died when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. It was tough, but would I rather not to have been born? That's crazy. I am grateful that they gave me birth and miss them dearly. It helps that I have 2 older siblings whom I am very close to.

Yes, but there is a 15 year difference between when you were born and when this lady wants to conceive. If it was hard loosing your parents as a 20-30 something with older siblings, immagine how much more difficult it would be to have both parents pass away from old age when you are a young or mid teen without any siblings. Imagine having to deal with a parent facing dementia, alzheimers or crippling physical deterioration of your parents by yourself as a teen. Or having to negotiate home health care or nursing homes for your parents when you are only a teen.

It is a big difference from your parents having a last minute surprise in their late 30s/early 40s.

And that woman's decision to have a child affects you how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend probably can't have children (but then, there was somebody on the other thread who had twins at 54!), but if she were to have the children, it would be to the benefit of those children. I am a child of older parents (39, 42). They died when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. It was tough, but would I rather not to have been born? That's crazy. I am grateful that they gave me birth and miss them dearly. It helps that I have 2 older siblings whom I am very close to.

Yes, but there is a 15 year difference between when you were born and when this lady wants to conceive. If it was hard loosing your parents as a 20-30 something with older siblings, immagine how much more difficult it would be to have both parents pass away from old age when you are a young or mid teen without any siblings. Imagine having to deal with a parent facing dementia, alzheimers or crippling physical deterioration of your parents by yourself as a teen. Or having to negotiate home health care or nursing homes for your parents when you are only a teen.

It is a big difference from your parents having a last minute surprise in their late 30s/early 40s.

And anyone can die at anytime. I have a friend who was quite healthy (a retired marine) who had a heart attack and died at the age of 50 with a 12 year old daughter. I knew two friends in their mid 50's with a teenage daughter who were in a car accident and killed by a drunk driver who crossed the median of a divided highway and hit them head-on. Does that mean that people in their 30's shouldn't have children?

Millions of people die daily and many of them are too young to die and have children. But that isn't a reason that people should avoid having children. We had our children when we were 46 and 51 years old. Too old by your standards, but we have 3 of 4 grandparents who are still alive at 86, 81 and 80. And all are healthy. Both of us have long-lived healthy families with the only family members to die young were the smokers. The youngest non-smoking relatives died in their 70's. We reasonably hope to be able to live until our children have children and families of their own. If you really feel the need to judge and criticize, go ahead, but that only makes you bitter and really is no skin off my nose.

It's amazing the double standard. People think nothing of men who marry younger women and have children when they're in their 50's. And women have a longer expected average lifespan than men. Why are there so many more people so cranky about the women than the men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend probably can't have children (but then, there was somebody on the other thread who had twins at 54!), but if she were to have the children, it would be to the benefit of those children. I am a child of older parents (39, 42). They died when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. It was tough, but would I rather not to have been born? That's crazy. I am grateful that they gave me birth and miss them dearly. It helps that I have 2 older siblings whom I am very close to.

Yes, but there is a 15 year difference between when you were born and when this lady wants to conceive. If it was hard loosing your parents as a 20-30 something with older siblings, immagine how much more difficult it would be to have both parents pass away from old age when you are a young or mid teen without any siblings. Imagine having to deal with a parent facing dementia, alzheimers or crippling physical deterioration of your parents by yourself as a teen. Or having to negotiate home health care or nursing homes for your parents when you are only a teen.

It is a big difference from your parents having a last minute surprise in their late 30s/early 40s.

Yes, that's would be harder, but still much preferable to never be born. I am pretty sure that less than 1% of children born to older parents (however defined) commit suicide. That itself proofs that want to be alive.

Btw, I was not a surprise child. My mother had difficulty conceiving me and went through some lengths to get me.

To sums this up: having children or not might or might not be a good idea for the parents, but it will, with 99% likelihood, be a good idea for any child that is being born.