Friend wants to have a baby - 54 years old

[Anonymous]

Sometimes having a fantasy is more comforting and enriching and fun for someone than actually acting on it. Maybe that is the case for OP's friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I be a supportive friend? What are her options realistically at this point?

I know she carries a lot of guilt over deciding to delay having kids, it is such a sensitive topic for her that I do not know what to say or what not to say. She has always said that her DH has always wanted kids and now she says that she is finally ready. I had mine in my 20's and 30's so I cannot directly relate. Any advice?

You can support her by finding her a very good psychiatrist. She is 54 and if she should be successful she would be 74 when child is 20. She is nuts and I hope no one will help in accomplishing something so absymally stupic and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I be a supportive friend? What are her options realistically at this point?

I know she carries a lot of guilt over deciding to delay having kids, it is such a sensitive topic for her that I do not know what to say or what not to say. She has always said that her DH has always wanted kids and now she says that she is finally ready. I had mine in my 20's and 30's so I cannot directly relate. Any advice?

You can support her by finding her a very good psychiatrist. She is 54 and if she should be successful she would be 74 when child is 20. She is nuts and I hope no one will help in accomplishing something so absymally stupic and selfish.

I'm curious about whether you say anything so extreme about the many men who become fathers in their fifties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can support her by finding her a very good psychiatrist. She is 54 and if she should be successful she would be 74 when child is 20. She is nuts and I hope no one will help in accomplishing something so absymally stupic and selfish.

I don't really get this part. I understand that it is near-impossible and very hard to be a parent of a baby at 54-55. But I don't get what is so terrible about being a parent of a 20 year old when 74 as opposed to 64 or 54? The gap between normal and delayed parenting is by far the biggest at conception and then, when the baby is little. The older the child, the less difference does it make how old were his parents when he was conceived.

Also, it's ludicrous to say that this is selfish. It is immature, I get it, but not selfish. I bet you that, if she were to (somehow) give birth to a child, that child would prefer to have been born rather than not being born.

[Anonymous]

Just be emotionally supportive because she is going to be in for a rude awakening when she begins IVF treatments. It's possible that they will be successful but still very unlikely.

With re: to all of the posters about over 50 dads. Yes it's much more possible and mother nature designed us this way. Men don't have a biological clock like we do. It is entirely unfair but we should move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes having a fantasy is more comforting and enriching and fun for someone than actually acting on it. Maybe that is the case for OP's friend.

This is an important point. And a generous way of looking at it.

Maybe this expressed desire is simply the last phase of letting go.

I mean, a desire to have my third visits me every once in a while and I recognize it for what it is: a struggle to come to terms with the fact that my divorce is final and (having sneaked in my second child a few months before we separated) there's no way to manage a matching third baby. That ship has sailed, despite the wistful moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elizabeth Edwards had kids just before and just after 50, with lots of fertility drugs...but look what happened to her.

Sadly- I think the lots of fertility drugs at her be contributed to the aggressive breast cancer.

There is absolutely no scientific link between breast cancer and fertility drugs--none at all. Being married to a cheating, duplicitous jackass with hair like a shiny pony while you have cancer may shorten your will to survive an aggressive cancer for sure though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I be a supportive friend? What are her options realistically at this point?

I know she carries a lot of guilt over deciding to delay having kids, it is such a sensitive topic for her that I do not know what to say or what not to say. She has always said that her DH has always wanted kids and now she says that she is finally ready. I had mine in my 20's and 30's so I cannot directly relate. Any advice?

You can support her by finding her a very good psychiatrist. She is 54 and if she should be successful she would be 74 when child is 20. She is nuts and I hope no one will help in accomplishing something so absymally stupic and selfish.

I'm curious about whether you say anything so extreme about the many men who become fathers in their fifties.

This is true, yes, but men don't have to range their bodies with fertility drugs and the stress of pregnancy to become fathers. They have to have endurance once the kid comes though and that is a valid point.

[Anonymous]

Unless she has a shitload of money to help raise the child this sounds clueless, selfish, and self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older mom of an adopted child. I was 48 when she was born.....and that's pretty old in my opinion but still doable for me so far. It's not easy to adopt at that age but it is possible. I never did anything about adoption until I was 45...thought I might have been too old, but it turned out it was possible.

Can't speak about childbirth since I didn't do (or even consider that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older mom of an adopted child. I was 48 when she was born.....and that's pretty old in my opinion but still doable for me so far. It's not easy to adopt at that age but it is possible. I never did anything about adoption until I was 45...thought I might have been too old, but it turned out it was possible.

Can't speak about childbirth since I didn't do (or even consider that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:troll

How about you stop posting if you're just going to be nasty? This is getting old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be emotionally supportive because she is going to be in for a rude awakening when she begins IVF treatments. It's possible that they will be successful but still very unlikely.

With re: to all of the posters about over 50 dads. Yes it's much more possible and mother nature designed us this way. Men don't have a biological clock like we do. It is entirely unfair but we should move on.

Actually, there's some recent scientific data that indicates that paternal age may be a factor in some birth defects, too. Wish I could remember where I read it (very recent) but I found it interesting that they're no longer just blaming maternal age anymore, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I be a supportive friend? What are her options realistically at this point?

I know she carries a lot of guilt over deciding to delay having kids, it is such a sensitive topic for her that I do not know what to say or what not to say. She has always said that her DH has always wanted kids and now she says that she is finally ready. I had mine in my 20's and 30's so I cannot directly relate. Any advice?

Stupidity should always be discouraged. Just tell her that she is too old and it is not fair to bring a child into the world at her age. Even if she lives that long, who in their right mind, would want a 20 yr. old when they are 75!? Again, do not encourage or support stupidity.

[Anonymous]

I actually don't know whether having a child would be a "stupid" decision for your friend and her husband. I believe strongly that the most important thing for a child is to have parents who love each other and who are committed to putting in the effort it takes to raise a child. There are several benefits to having kids older, including the possible alleviation of professional stress, and the wisdom that comes with life experience. If your friend and her husband have the time and energy to devote to parenting, their child might be much better off than so many children born into families with parents who cannot get along, who are obsessed with making professional names for themselves, or who simply don't have the true desire for kids that your friend may have. Through odd flukes for the most part, several of my family members and close friends lost one or both of their parents at young ages. Even they tell me uniformly that the most important thing to them was their parents having a loving relationship and modeling that for them at a young age. The age at which their parents died, in the long run, seems to be much less important than other factors.