Was your mother a "yeller," how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

My mom only yelled when we did something truly dangerous, like the time I decided that my brother, sister and I needed to limbo under the electrical line that was drooping over our metal roof. Or the time that I cut off part of my brother's finger. Or the time that I stuck my foot in the brake on my brother's bike, and he wrecked and had to have a lot of stitches. Or the time that I pushed him out of a tree onto a barbed wire fence, and he was cut really bad. Or the time that I threw a rock and hit him in the head.....I could go on and on. I never yell at my kids. They are really well behaved compared to the way I was.

[Anonymous]

My mom was not only a yeller but she overreacted to everything. As a result, I'm awful at not only conflict, but just stating how I feel. I used to be terrified of how people would react because I always expected the worst. really started to change when I met DH. He never over reacts. I broke a new phone he had bought me (thankfully with insurance) and before I told him I'd envisioned this whole scenario of him screaming and I'd worked myself into a tizzy. When I told him he kind of laughed (I'm notoriously bad with electronics) and then was like ok let's go order a new one. He ended up convincing me to go to therapy when DS was about 2 because I was struggling with being a parent and being worried aboutbscrewing up. Only then did I realize how badly my mom had messed me up.

[Anonymous]

She was more than a little smug and superior. Only the future will show in what ways her kids feel she degraded herself as a parent.

I disagree PP. I think she sounded that she didn't like the behavior of her parents and decided not to do it.

[Anonymous]

My mom only yelled when we did something truly dangerous, like the time I decided that my brother, sister and I needed to limbo under the electrical line that was drooping over our metal roof. Or the time that I cut off part of my brother's finger. Or the time that I stuck my foot in the brake on my brother's bike, and he wrecked and had to have a lot of stitches. Or the time that I pushed him out of a tree onto a barbed wire fence, and he was cut really bad. Or the time that I threw a rock and hit him in the head.....I could go on and on. I never yell at my kids. They are really well behaved compared to the way I was.

Wow! Did you hate your brother? You have to admit you did a lot of mean things to him! How and why did you cut his finger off? Did it get reattached? Were you the poster in the spanking thread? Are you and your brother friends today? Did he forgive you?

[Anonymous]

My mom was a constant, angry yeller. We were not bad kids, either, at least I don't think so. She did not have and still does not have much insight about being that way or the stress it caused everyone, as far as I can tell.

I was often in a state of tension and/or anger as a result, especially as a teen. I hated her. My reaction was to internalize all my feelings about it, to simmer, pout, etc. Our relationship improved markedly when I moved away for college, though I still keep her at arm’s length, emotionally (I don't think she realizes this), and have trouble respecting her in many ways.

Whether by design or nature, I am pretty flat emotionally with the unfortunate exception of random, weeks long episodes of crippling anxiety that are so bad I am usually borderline suicidal during them. They pop up seemingly at random (do not correlate to any actual stressful events in my life, of which there are plenty) every couple of years starting in my mid twenties. Eventually they subside with lots of medication, and I am totally fine for the years between. I have developed a theory that these episodes might be repercussions of years of stress and tension from the yelling, that I just kept bottling and bottling. Maybe these episodes are eruptions of all that tension, or some kind of PTSD?

Anyway, and take this with a grain of salt because I only have one toddler, but my parenting style is a direct, conscious reaction to my upbringing. I rarely yell, especially in anger, mostly only to communicate urgency/danger. I do speak calmly and sternly if needed for disciplinary purposes. I really don’t want to do to my family what my mom did to me and my sibling.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was a yeller and I really felt bad for the kids. If they didn't put their shoes on fast enough she would get in their face and scream in their ear, "GET YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!" We are no longer in contact and in some ways glad because of how poorly she treated them.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a yeller and I yell at my kids too much. The orange rhino is helping me.

[Anonymous]

Book and blog^^

[Anonymous]

My husband does this loud voice when DD misbehave. She is very afraid of him to the point that she gets frustrated if she doesn't want to do something that her dad warned her before, i.e. put away toys after playing, even if I tell her not need to do it. It clearly affect her but my husband is okay with it since now she does what he said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yelling isn't a healthy way to communicate - we know this. But what is more troubling is that it loses effectiveness over time, so the yeller has to up the ante in order to get the same result. My kids started tuning out my yelling and I found myself yelling more often and yelling louder - and still my kids didn't always listen. That was the clue for me to stop the yelling. Now I ask once and if I have to ask twice there are consequences (i.e, we leave the store, kid goes to their room, loss of TV privileges).

I wish I could do this, PP. I only yell when my kids don't do what I ask them to do. I have to remind them to do their chores, even though they are printed on a list on the refrigerator. These are intelligent, sentient beings. They simply will not do anything until I yell at them. I am frustrated beyond belief. I have explained to them multiple times that I will not yell at them if they do as I ask when I ask it. They ignore me until I start screaming, and then, and only then, do they do what I ask.

They are teens, so it's much worse. I can't stand all the yelling. My mother was a yeller, and yes it scarred me. I swore I'd never yell at my kids, yet here I am, yelling at them despite my promises to myself. Kids are so, so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

There was a lot of screaming in my house growing up. My parents brought out the worst in each other. My sister and I would huddle in a corner, afraid to be seen and become the target of the screaming. It was a relief when my dad finally left.

So far I haven't yelled at my 2 year old. She's a good kid, and I find it more effective to get more quiet, almost to the point of a whisper, when she's misbehaving and I want her to listen.

I admit that I've yelled at my husband a couple times over the past year, but it's when he endangers our child, like the time he was driving her around without the car seat strapped.

It makes me very uncomfortable when my friends yell at their kids. I have one friend that I'll meet one on one, but not for play dates with our kids because she's constantly yelling and micromanaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Please ignore the PP who criticized you. I had an angry father and I still have a physical reaction in many situations that used to anger him and cause him to be out of control and abusive. Good for you for breaking the cycle. It is big of you to maintain a relationship with your mom. You are doing your best.

[Anonymous]

My husband was raised in a house where anger was a sign of weakness and thus cannot process it. He is a people pleaser but really thugs get bottled up and then released in a bottles up temper tantrum at me. Usually when I point out somehow we need to do or that needs to be done. He will purposely not do it, as he is stewing over things from last week and that sets off an argument. I get put in a lose lose situation where I cannot count on him or get anything resolved.

Yelling constantly is not the answer, aggravating someone else constantly is not the answer, hiding anger/emotions is not the answer.

Real conflict resolution, in front of the kids, is the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a lot of screaming in my house growing up. My parents brought out the worst in each other. My sister and I would huddle in a corner, afraid to be seen and become the target of the screaming. It was a relief when my dad finally left.

So far I haven't yelled at my 2 year old. She's a good kid, and I find it more effective to get more quiet, almost to the point of a whisper, when she's misbehaving and I want her to listen.

I admit that I've yelled at my husband a couple times over the past year, but it's when he endangers our child, like the time he was driving her around without the car seat strapped.

It makes me very uncomfortable when my friends yell at their kids. I have one friend that I'll meet one on one, but not for play dates with our kids because she's constantly yelling and micromanaging.

My husband drops the ball so much sometimes I yell. But I have no recourse but divorce. I just hope we get out before there is a serious accident or neglectful mistake.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an angry, yelling, screaming, abusive drunk.

How did this affect me? Outwardly, I'm easily startled. Embarrassingly so. As in, my DH can unknowingly spook me at home just by walking up behind me and talking nicely.

I was always a nervous child. Eating disorder from 14-18. ongoing issues with panic and anxiety.

I torture myself with introspection and wonder if there's an "angry" gene. I seem to have it. I'm a parent now and have yelled at my kids, but, I rationalize, I am sober when doing it (I don't drink) and I always, always apologize to my children afterwards. Also, I'm not berating them daily and/hitting them while yelling, so that's good. We also talk about emotions a lot, something never discussed in my family of origin.

I've spent years in therapy and am desperately trying to break the cycle of abuse that goes back generations in my family