Was your mother a "yeller," how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

yep, my mom was (and is) a yeller, and can be verbally abusive. i don't go home much to visit my parents b/c i can't stand the constant yelling, bitching and nagging. my husband won't stand for yelling and he's made that pretty clear, which i think is a good thing. i have a baby, so my patience hasn't been tested the way it would an older child, but my goal is to not yell. a lot my memories of growing up are my mom yelling, and that's not what i want for my child.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a yeller and verbally abusive. And she never expressed any affection or positive feedback at all. Those two together completely suck.

I SWORE I'd never yell at my kid. But as hard as I tried, there were times I did yell (not abusively, not calling my son crap or useless, etc. But raising my voice because I was mad). I couldn't understand why I could keep it together when mad at my boss or my husband, but not my kid. For me, at least, it's because I just can't leave a small child there and walk out. If I have to get the four year old in the car to be on time to school and work, I have to do it. And I get REALLY frustrated.

I've been able to calm a lot of it down using 1, 2, 3 Magic. That works about 90% of the time and helps keep my "need" to yell under control. I also try to set up our lives so that the super-frustrating things don't happen. Or I at least try to minimize them. For example, I allow plenty of time in the morning to get ready, so if we are delayed by my son's laying flat on the floor in defiance, I'm much less likely to flip out about it.

And when I just can't help it, I've been able to "rewrite the script" of what I say. I don't yell at him and tell him it's somehow his fault (through whatever word choice). Instead, I tell him that "I" am getting really frustrated. "I" am feeling very angry.

This isn't perfect, I know. But it's worlds better than what my mother did. And it's much better than how I used to be just a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our house growing up was a loud house, put it out there. Didn't totally effect me negative but my brother, that's another story. He's not scarred but definitely affected, he chose a wife where he's more dominant. Me. I'm intense at times. I try to temper my bite but gosh those kids can drive you mad. What I really need to tone down my sharpness, this is what I worry about but I can't help it- I count, I walk away, I do breathing exercises but I can't take it some times. Kids are 4 and 3 they look like they are dealing with my "craziness" and chalk it up to there goes mom again.

It sounds as if it DID affect your negatively--you don't know how to communicate with your kids except for getting to the craziness level. My Mom was an emotionally abusive screamer and it took therapy for me to learn how to communicate in a different way. Luckily I did that well before having kids because yes, all kids tax parents' patience and we need to learn to how manage that without taking it out on them. Whether you admit it or not, your parents set an example to you about communication. You may not be exactly like them but without a proper standard of communication, you have to learn a good one from scratch. Even those people who try to do the opposite of their parents learned something from their parents. Maybe they're going too far in the opposite direction. DH's father was a yeller and DH dealed with it by withdrawing and retreating--so guess what he does when he gets stressed out. When DH did this if we had disagreements (even amicable ones), I felt hurt and ignored and kids would, too. DH and I were married for almost a decade and got couples counseling to deal with the communication and we're not perfect but it really helped prepare us for parenthood. I'm sure we'll make plenty of mistakes, but not the same as our parents did.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a yeller, very verbally abusive, and manipulative. It was really hard. I'm still learning how to be assertive.

[Anonymous]

My husband's mother was a yeller, but otherwise a very loving, involved, dedicated parent. So occasionally he'll throw yelling fits and thinks nothing of it. My father yelled when he was angry and I HATE when someone yells at me; at the same time, it's a bit of learned behavior so when I'm impatient I sometimes speak crossly and a little loudly (not yelling) at my child. It makes me cringe afterwards, so it's something I'm working on. I think it really depends on the context of the yelling and the personality of the kids being yelled at; my husband wasn't affected, but I was.

[Anonymous]

10:50 here. I forgot to add something very important, which is that my father was not terribly involved or affectionate, so the yelling was not in a larger context of overall love and acceptance, like it was for my husband. I think that also makes a big difference.

[Anonymous]

My mom was not a yeller or a swearer. I, on the other, hand need some serious work. I am not sure how I am so different. I am loud like my dad. Though me dad was (and is) incredibly loving. He was not mean or abusive, but very loud, funny and would be very verbally loud when cut off driving or somebody p*ssed him off outside the family, etc. Maybe that's where I get it.

I find I am generally pretty good---unless I am very stressed or nobody's listening to me (we need to get in the car now and I've told the boys 17 times to put shoes, coats on, etc). I am working on finding more positive punitive ways then just finally screaming like a banshee (which does work) to get them moving.

I read some study about how boys don't listen (or tune out) naturally so much more than girls. It was a pretty in-depth study..it also had something to do with the tone/pitch of the female voice. I definitely see it with two boys and 4 nephews and friends with boys. It's funny--my 6 year old son already complains about the little girls that 'talk, talk, talk about nothing...how they drone on in his ear at the school table). I guess that's how he feels about me too! My DH told him to get used to it.

I think a little yelling is fine. I was in shock when I watched some of the Super Nanny shows and a mother would be screaming from the time she woke up to bed. I am definitely not that type---just trigger points and it's not constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]My husband's mother was a yeller, but otherwise a very loving, involved, dedicated parent. So occasionally he'll throw yelling fits and thinks nothing of it.[/b] My father yelled when he was angry and I HATE when someone yells at me; at the same time, it's a bit of learned behavior so when I'm impatient I sometimes speak crossly and a little loudly (not yelling) at my child. It makes me cringe afterwards, so it's something I'm working on. I think it really depends on the context of the yelling and the personality of the kids being yelled at; my husband wasn't affected, but I was.

I wrote below---and I think this describes me. However, I think it also effects children differently and I believe some of it is innate personality. I don't see my older son ever being a yeller. He is calm, cool and collected like his dad...also very tender and sensitive. Little brother is a different story. His Irish/Italian from my side is definitely more dominant than the German/stoicness on the paternal side. From 2 on he would stomp around blowing hot and cold and have some really funny tantrums. However, it's all over in minutes and then he's all lovey-dovey. Thats my M-O too...some of us don't keep it bottled up...we blow loud and quick and then are all better. Ironically, we are supposed to live longer than those bottling up all of those emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a yeller and I couldn't stand up for myself well into young adulthood. I think there's a correlation. People who weren't close to me would probably describe me as 'meek'. Finally I decided I couldn't blame my upbringing anymore and developed into a reasonably assertive person. My workplace can be very intense and I am known as the rational one and the problem solver which I think is a good thing.

I don't do much yelling at home. DC is still an infant. On a very rare occssion, I do lose my temper (ex, telling DH to shut up) but am quick to recognize and apologize for my behavior.

PP here, also wanted to say I'm still very much a people pleaser and I'm sure that has something to do with my mom's constant yelling.

OMG, PP, you just lit a bulb in my head. My dh is a people pleaser, annoyingly so, and I never before linked it to the fact that was abused as a child. Horrible thing to be thanking you for, but I just got a great insight from your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a yeller and I hated it. I'm trying really hard not to be a yeller with my kids, but like one of the other pp's, it's only effective most of the time, and definitely seeps out sometimes. I'm trying, and I'd really like the advice of anyone who has this and has managed to overcome it.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

have you had your hearing tested?
sometimes hard of hearing people do talk loudly
I heard of one almost half deaf child who could not hear her mother yell or scream because then her voice was higher pitched, but always listened to the father. Odd behavior like walking away when mother shouted etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I have found that I don't care for loud people. I also rarely raise my voice.

I don't yell either.

[Anonymous]

Pinch yourself, I do this between my thumb and forefinger- not hard but enough to snap you out of the "yelling" moment then say everybody quiet or give mommy some time alone. Of course I only do this after a situation has escalated and I've already yelled once.

[Anonymous]

Wait, is yelling bad now?

It seems that most of the people above have been connecting yelling with verbally abusive, emotionally detached, etc. I do nt think that is always the case. What do we mean by yelling? I'm genuinely confused.

Approximately 2-3 times per week, when my obstinante 4.5yo is clearly ignoring my requests to put ons hoes, come downstairs etc. I will make the deliberate choice to raise my voice and say "NOW!" I think it is a perfectly useful and appropriate tool when used int he right situation.

What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, is yelling bad now?

It seems that most of the people above have been connecting yelling with verbally abusive, emotionally detached, etc. I do nt think that is always the case. What do we mean by yelling? I'm genuinely confused.

Approximately 2-3 times per week, when my obstinante 4.5yo is clearly ignoring my requests to put ons hoes, come downstairs etc. I will make the deliberate choice to raise my voice and say "NOW!" I think it is a perfectly useful and appropriate tool when used int he right situation.

What am I missing?

there's a difference between yelling and talking sternly, which i think is what you're describing. i think most people here are talking about yelling and losing control.