Was your mother a "yeller," how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

Daughter of yeller here.

There is a difference between yelling and berating / terrorizing.

Yes, I yell at my kids. I have boys. And a speaking voice that at its normal level is soft. Often they don't hear me until I yell. I give lots of warnings though before I yell and without the yelling we would never get anywhere on time. So, I don't think yelling is what's bad.

I am clear about what I am yelling about and it is always bc kids not heed my first, second, third warnings.

I make sure to preface a yell by saying which kid(s) it's directed to.

i don't think yelling is a problem. It's yelling with the intent of abuse (demeaning or hurting the person being yelled at) that's an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

NP here. What a horrible person you are, PP. You are responding to someone who was terrorized by her mother as a child. Who literally peed herself in terror and hid under her bed in fear of the person who is supposed to be the safest person in the world to a child. PP sounds like a resilent, sensitive, strong, kind survivor or abuse that goes way beyond just chronic yelling. She grew up in a household where she wasn't safe or secure. She had no safe attachment bond to her mother. That's huge.

For you to lash out to a hurt stranger with such over-the-top unkindness suggests that you are a similar cruel, rageful person. For you to be so dismissive about the depths of maternal abuse here suggests that you may be guilty of something similar yourself.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a raging, screaming monster pretty much every day of my childhood, unless she was cripplingly depressed. There was no rhyme or reason to it. One days she'd come home and scream at us about the floor that wasn't vacuumed. The next day it would be rage because we had vacuumed but didn't put the vacuum away properly. The next day it would because we tried to talk to her when she first walked in the door. The next day she'd flip out because we didn't get up and start talking happily to her.

As a teen, I yelled right back at her. I hated her. My whole childhood with her was fear and terror. When she grew old and needed care, I did what I could to assuage my guilt, the minimum required to meet my own definition of decency. But I was resentful. She mellowed somewhat with age, but was still narcissistic and awful most of.the time.

I have a 3 year old son and have not yet yelled at him except I occasionally yelled his name when I need him to hear Merton far away. It may be my greatest accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

NP here and I totally agree. Most parents are doing the best they can and responding to pressures and pain that no child could possibly imagine. And some kids are unbelievably hard headed and provocative--you can go to therapy endlessly--and sometimes it really is never enough. Decades later, in spite of her reform, you dont "love" your own mother because she yelled at you? You really sound insufferable. I feel sorry for your mother, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daughter of yeller here.

There is a difference between yelling and berating / terrorizing.

Yes, I yell at my kids. I have boys. And a speaking voice that at its normal level is soft. Often they don't hear me until I yell. I give lots of warnings though before I yell and without the yelling we would never get anywhere on time. So, I don't think yelling is what's bad.

I am clear about what I am yelling about and it is always bc kids not heed my first, second, third warnings.

I make sure to preface a yell by saying which kid(s) it's directed to.

i don't think yelling is a problem. It's yelling with the intent of abuse (demeaning or hurting the person being yelled at) that's an issue.

I think that your kids are conditioned to hearing only yelling, therefore, only hear you when you yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a raging, screaming monster pretty much every day of my childhood, unless she was cripplingly depressed. There was no rhyme or reason to it. One days she'd come home and scream at us about the floor that wasn't vacuumed. The next day it would be rage because we had vacuumed but didn't put the vacuum away properly. The next day it would because we tried to talk to her when she first walked in the door. The next day she'd flip out because we didn't get up and start talking happily to her.

As a teen, I yelled right back at her. I hated her. My whole childhood with her was fear and terror. When she grew old and needed care, I did what I could to assuage my guilt, the minimum required to meet my own definition of decency. But I was resentful. She mellowed somewhat with age, but was still narcissistic and awful most of.the time.

I have a 3 year old son and have not yet yelled at him except I occasionally yelled his name when I need him to hear Merton far away. It may be my greatest accomplishment.

Sounds like you were the kind of kid that would depress the hell out of a parent. Was your mom a single mom? Did she work outside the home? What did you ever do to help her? Were you a good student? No drugs or unwed pregnancies? Well, alrighty then. Just check back in with us in 10 years when you have multiple children and then you can weigh in--but for now just tighten your chinstrap--parenting is brutal and none of us are saints--there will be pain along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

NP here and I totally agree. Most parents are doing the best they can and responding to pressures and pain that no child could possibly imagine. And some kids are unbelievably hard headed and provocative--you can go to therapy endlessly--and sometimes it really is never enough. Decades later, in spite of her reform, you dont "love" your own mother because she yelled at you? You really sound insufferable. I feel sorry for your mother, honestly.

What is WRONG with you, NP2? This is not a mom doing her best and breaking into garden variety yelling when her kids were defiant or inattentive. This is a verbally abusive addict who terrorized her little girl to such a degree that the child his under her bed and pissed herself in terror.

Honestly, you sound like another verbally abusive mother who is defensive about being confronted by the depth of damage that uncontrollable, irrational rages can do to young children. Chronic stress in childhood literally damages the brain, often irreparably. This is terrible abuse that typically has lifelong negative effects. Stop minimizing it and condemning the victim for not sufficiently forgiving and embracing the most dangerous person in her childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a raging, screaming monster pretty much every day of my childhood, unless she was cripplingly depressed. There was no rhyme or reason to it. One days she'd come home and scream at us about the floor that wasn't vacuumed. The next day it would be rage because we had vacuumed but didn't put the vacuum away properly. The next day it would because we tried to talk to her when she first walked in the door. The next day she'd flip out because we didn't get up and start talking happily to her.

As a teen, I yelled right back at her. I hated her. My whole childhood with her was fear and terror. When she grew old and needed care, I did what I could to assuage my guilt, the minimum required to meet my own definition of decency. But I was resentful. She mellowed somewhat with age, but was still narcissistic and awful most of.the time.

I have a 3 year old son and have not yet yelled at him except I occasionally yelled his name when I need him to hear Merton far away. It may be my greatest accomplishment.

Sounds like you were the kind of kid that would depress the hell out of a parent. Was your mom a single mom? Did she work outside the home? What did you ever do to help her? Were you a good student? No drugs or unwed pregnancies? Well, alrighty then. Just check back in with us in 10 years when you have multiple children and then you can weigh in--but for now just tighten your chinstrap--parenting is brutal and none of us are saints--there will be pain along the way.

You must be the asshole who keeps minimizing the damage of parental abuse above. I'm the PP, and you know what? I was a fucking angel until my teen years, and even then I was still an amazing person even though I yelled back at my mom. I did more housework than my mom...easily 10 times more than her. My brothers and I were like her indentured servants. As soon as we got home from school, as early as kindergarten, we were expected to clean, do laundry (all of the family's), help our dad with daily shopping and meal prep (and later cook) and generally do whatever we could to keep her rages in check. I was on the honor roll always, nearly a straight A student, and sweet, obedient, and helpful. All I did was try to find ways to get her to not scream at us. My middle brother was just as good, except he was often sick and my mother hated him for it. She hit him and screamed at him when he was a toddler and preschooler because he had chronic ear infections and would cry at night. I never did drugs and never saddled my family with an unintended pregnancy. I got a nearly full scholarship to a private college three hours away, got loans for the rest, and left home at 18. My middle brother died by suicide, which I laregely attribute to the stress of the abuse that we all survived and how her cruelty destroyed his self-estem and safety. My oldest brother hated her so much that he didn't even help when she needed assisted living and then nursing care.

My mom had a tough childhood. Her mom was even more abusive than she was. But that is no excuse for what she did. She did work for some years when she wasn't too depressed to get out of bed other than to buy her own junk food. She never woke up to get us ready for school. My dad, who worked 9 hour factory shifts, did all that. He was an alcoholic who never missed a shift, woke us very morning, fed us every night. He was no saint be he was a good dad. She abused him, too.

IF my kid grows up to be 70% as responsible and decent and sweet as I was as a kid, I'd feel like I hit the kid jackpot. But I'd be never want my kid to pay attention to my moods and needs as much as I had to do for my mom.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents were yellers. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was traumatized by it, but I was deeply affected. The thing is that my parents were, and are, excellent parents in many ways, but they are both very bad at managing negative emotions.

One thing I love about my husband is that he very rarely raises his voice, which in turn helps me refrain from yelling.

Our kid is a young toddler. I've reprimanded her loudly but wouldn't say I've yelled at her. One of my parenting goals is to keep yelling to an absolute minimum. I want a (much) calmer, happier household than I had as a kid.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a screaming rage monster. Demeaning and horrible. He would scream so loud the house would shake. I remember vividly being probably 12 or 13 years old and crying, telling him to please stop because I was worried he'd have a heart attack and then he screamed at me more for saying that to him and mocked my concern.

He had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago. I have not bothered to visit him and don't plan to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I went in the opposite direction. I chose to never degrade myself in the same way that my parents did when they threw loud fits.

It disgusts me so I refuse to model the same for my kids.

OK, but HOW? NP here, and I'm a yeller too. My mom never yelled, but my dad was awful and I remember how it affected me - we have a strained relationship to this day. I am working really hard to change because I see myself turning into him and I hate it! I just finished 7 weeks worth of anger management classes, and found them only moderately helpful. When I lose it, I lose it big time. I hate what it's doing to my kids and my relationship with them, but try as I might, I am having a very hard time. About 80% of the time I can find it in myself to walk away, or count, breathe, whatever. But the rest of the time I just can't help myself. Not sure what's next. I could really use some practical tips.

I'm a yeller- I hate it. My DS has ADHD and I feel like I have to repeat myself constantly, he moves slowly, always off task, and does impulsive destructive things... it drives me nuts. He has a medical reason for behaving this way, and it still drives me nuts. Unfortunately, yelling and being argumentative teaches my son to do the same.

One of the best things for our family is a routine. I have a whiteboard describing required and fun activities each day. It helps because I can better anticipate trouble times and mentally prepare. My son knows what to expect and it helps (doesn't cure) some behavior problems.

I realize that we're peas in a pod- our anger (mine and my DS's) stems from anxiety and perfectionism. A written routine (general, not crazy structured) helps our anxiety and perfectionism *a lot* because we feel like we're making progress and know what to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my mom was a ridiculous yeller which sometimes strayed over the line into verbal abuse. my brother has never forgiven her for it and they still have a very difficult relationship. as for me, i vowed even as a child that when i became a mother, i would not act this way, and so far i've been *pretty* good about it. i have an almost-3 year old and a baby though. definitely can't yell at a baby there are certainly times when i have wanted to yell at my older child but managed to stop myself (like last night when he peed in his pants 2x in 5 mins, then pooped in his pants right after that, all because i couldn't be with him because i was trying to soothe his hysterical sister to sleep). so far, so good. hope the trend continues when they are older.

as far as how it affected me, let's just say i'm in therapy.

One piece of advice that I got when my second was born was to try, whenever possible, to attend to your older child first. Our second became a very good sleeper and self-soother because it was often not possible for me to drop everything I was doing with my oldest to help the little one. I'm no expert but I think peeing and pooping in his pants is his way of saying that he really needs more of your attention, even if for a little while... good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I went in the opposite direction. I chose to never degrade myself in the same way that my parents did when they threw loud fits.

It disgusts me so I refuse to model the same for my kids.

OK, but HOW? NP here, and I'm a yeller too. My mom never yelled, but my dad was awful and I remember how it affected me - we have a strained relationship to this day. I am working really hard to change because I see myself turning into him and I hate it! I just finished 7 weeks worth of anger management classes, and found them only moderately helpful. When I lose it, I lose it big time. I hate what it's doing to my kids and my relationship with them, but try as I might, I am having a very hard time. About 80% of the time I can find it in myself to walk away, or count, breathe, whatever. But the rest of the time I just can't help myself. Not sure what's next. I could really use some practical tips.

I'm a yeller- I hate it. My DS has ADHD and I feel like I have to repeat myself constantly, he moves slowly, always off task, and does impulsive destructive things... it drives me nuts. He has a medical reason for behaving this way, and it still drives me nuts. Unfortunately, yelling and being argumentative teaches my son to do the same.

One of the best things for our family is a routine. I have a whiteboard describing required and fun activities each day. It helps because I can better anticipate trouble times and mentally prepare. My son knows what to expect and it helps (doesn't cure) some behavior problems.

I realize that we're peas in a pod- our anger (mine and my DS's) stems from anxiety and perfectionism. A written routine (general, not crazy structured) helps our anxiety and perfectionism *a lot* because we feel like we're making progress and know what to expect.

pp here- I'll say something else too. Recently, I became angry and yelled at my DS- he said "why do you have to ruin everything?" I thought "my gosh, he's right." I'm a "good" mom and mostly do the right things- but my kid needs me to be predictable and empathetic more than anything else. Being a person he can emotionally depend upon is more important than a nutritious breakfast or driving to a bunch of activities or checking homework.

I know this because my own mom was a yeller and completely unpredictable. It was hell to never know what to expect. To this day, I can barely stand the sight of her because of the yelling and additional emotional abuse she inflicted.

I am working very hard to manage my emotions- my son and I are very close now, but too much yelling and as an adult he will look at me the way I look at my own mother. I would seriously die inside of my son learned to not love me or respect me- especially of I did enough to deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

NP here and I totally agree. Most parents are doing the best they can and responding to pressures and pain that no child could possibly imagine. And some kids are unbelievably hard headed and provocative--you can go to therapy endlessly--and sometimes it really is never enough. Decades later, in spite of her reform, you dont "love" your own mother because she yelled at you? You really sound insufferable. I feel sorry for your mother, honestly.

There is no obligation to love one's mother. Kids do not ask to be born. We bring them into the world and if we are raging maniacs, we should not expect love or sympathy even if we rationalize and believe we are "doing our best." Don't be surprised if your kid decides to not bother with you once she is on her own.

[Anonymous]

I can honestly say that I have never heard either of my parents raise their voice. Ever. My mom is the typical soft spoken southern mama. My DH and I don't yell. We have five kids. The only time I raise my voice is if someone is about to get hurt.

I cannot stand loud people, especially loud women. I'm far, far from perfect. But I don't scream at my kids. I know of plenty of moms who yell. The kids totally tune them out.