Was your mother a "yeller," how did it affect you?

[Anonymous]

I yell and I hate myself afterward. My kids are really, really provocative and we are in a really bad cycle right now. They take 2 hours to get out of the house in the morning! I get them up at 6:30 and by 8:20 I am blue from the screaming and want to slit my wrists. There are 4 of them aged 7, 9,10,11. DH is in a traveling cycle so he been gone 2 weeks. But who am I kidding, its just as bad when he's here. We are just dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

Clearly your desire to slap a zinger on DCUM this morning has overtaken your ability for reading comprehension. If you actually comprehended my post you would have noted that my mom and I are rebuilding our relationship and that my husband and I are committed to moving forward with raising our daughter in a positive and stable environment - without the persisent yelling and screaming that characterized our respective homes as kids. I certainly don't blame mommy for everything and there wasn't anything in my post that spoke to that. To the contrary, since my early teens I've focused a lot of time and energy on moving forward. But yes, years of being terrorized by our mother's yelling affected my brother and me deeply. And no, she wasn't doing the best she could at the time, moron. She was a yelling and often verbally (sometimes physically) abusive alcoholic who ultimately sought treatment in rehab to address her behavior. Yelling all the time = dysfunction.

Maybe you feel insecure about your parenting style and behavior and my post touched a nerve .... Keep telling yourself you're doing the best you can at the time if that's what makes you feel better about yelling at your kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to with 8:30. I think there is a difference between yelling and being an abuser. My mom is a yeller, her mother was a yeller. They were best friends and my mom is my best friend. I yell at my kids, generally my rule is the third time I have to repeat myself I raise my voice. My mom and I generally don't yell at each other now, though my mom and grandmom yelled at each other when I was growing up. But they were never mean, or hurtful. Just loud.

[Anonymous]

Occasionally I yell, meaning raising my voice in order to be taken seriously. Very rarely (but still more than zero), I have succumbed to a ferocious kind of yelling -- the kind that originates deep from within. There's a distinct tonal difference. The first sounds exasperated and sometimes angry, and the other is darker, meaner, and decidedly angrier.

Those "dark" yells never happened when I had one chlid and worked FT out of the home. They started at the very end of my second pregnancy and continued a few months after baby #2 was born when I was FT at home. They happenned rarely, yes, but they were scary. There were no direct insults associated with them, however; mostly along the lines of "THIS WHINING NONSENSE IS MAKING ME CRAZY! STOP IT! PUT ON YOUR SHOES AND COAT ***RIGHT NOW!!!***, DAMMIT!" accompanied by a very angry face. No hitting, and the event is about 3 seconds long--just long enough for me to get the words out.

I feel a great deal of shame almost immediately afterwards. Apologies, apologies, apologies. But I don't want my very wonderful oldest daughter to think that an apology makes verbal abuse okay. I don't want her to put up with it from friends or from a sweetheart, so the answer to the problem is for me to never go there again.

Thankfully it seems that I feel much, much less of this kind of intense anger now that months have passed since #2 arrived and I'm also back to work. I chalk up the 'dark' yells, in part, to hormones and lack of sleep. Otherwise, I'm pretty darn sweet and an excellent mum.

But the yellingis a serious blemish. And I think it can have a profound impact on my oldest child, for sure. We always talked about it afterwards. I hope that helps a ton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a yeller and I couldn't stand up for myself well into young adulthood. I think there's a correlation. People who weren't close to me would probably describe me as 'meek'. Finally I decided I couldn't blame my upbringing anymore and developed into a reasonably assertive person. My workplace can be very intense and I am known as the rational one and the problem solver which I think is a good thing.

I don't do much yelling at home. DC is still an infant. On a very rare occssion, I do lose my temper (ex, telling DH to shut up) but am quick to recognize and apologize for my behavior.

PP here, also wanted to say I'm still very much a people pleaser and I'm sure that has something to do with my mom's constant yelling.

OMG, PP, you just lit a bulb in my head. My dh is a people pleaser, annoyingly so, and I never before linked it to the fact that was abused as a child. Horrible thing to be thanking you for, but I just got a great insight from your post.

My husband is a super people pleasure and, according to him, his parents have rarely raised their voice at him. So goes both ways! I wouldn't necessarily associate people pleasing with whether a parent was a yeller.

[Anonymous]

I tend to get very anxious around yelling. I don't like conflict at all. I'm a lawyer and I actually get sick to my stomach when I know I'm going to have a very contentious hearing or deposition.

[Anonymous]

Yelling isn't a healthy way to communicate - we know this. But what is more troubling is that it loses effectiveness over time, so the yeller has to up the ante in order to get the same result. My kids started tuning out my yelling and I found myself yelling more often and yelling louder - and still my kids didn't always listen. That was the clue for me to stop the yelling. Now I ask once and if I have to ask twice there are consequences (i.e, we leave the store, kid goes to their room, loss of TV privileges).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:23 here, my iPad didn't like the word yellers, sorry

Lol. Not to diminish your post in anyway, but this made me laugh. I thought maybe 'teller' was some sort of category name for people who yell too much. Like a new-wavy thing.

My mom was an insane yeller. All the time. Even for little things. And, even as far as when I was an adult.

I HATED every, single, minute of it. And, I can't even be in the same room as my mother anymore - I can't stand her, actually.

So, I try really hard not to be a yeller, but it is tough. If I catch myself yelling, I try to make it a point to apologize. Luckily, DH isn't a huge yeller, so that helps. He calls me on it when I do it, and doesn't tolerate it, which is probably a good thing.

[Anonymous]

PP again, as far as advice, we do 1,2,3 Magic. I know that wouldn't work with older kids, but I find it has cut down on my yelling a ton. It just gets DC to listen, so that I don't get to the point of blowing my top. Well, not always, but it's better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also try to set up our lives so that the super-frustrating things don't happen. Or I at least try to minimize them. For example, I allow plenty of time in the morning to get ready, so if we are delayed by my son's laying flat on the floor in defiance, I'm much less likely to flip out about it.

This is also good advice that I try to implement.

[Anonymous]

I wish my DH would not tolerate it. That would stop me. His mother is a whiner and a hang ringer. He is a questioner. If you yell at him he compulsive talks more quietly and questions you. I find it infuriating and it just makes me yell in that "dark" way that PP, described. OMG the "day" yelling is very scary and bad. My kids are tweens and I am nearly dead from the yelling already.

[Anonymous]

^^the "dark" yelling is very bad and scary. Woe that it was only during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a yeller. And by yeller I mean she'd go into fits and rages and would yell (very loud, very frightening voice) lashing out at anyone who was nearby, her children included. Most of the abuse (and I do think this is abusive behavior) was verbal, but occasionally she hit us. She was emotionally unstable. She drank too much and was a really self centered person. Her bad day became everyone's bad day. My brother and I are in our 30's and still recount frightening episodes from our childhood. I used to hide under the bed praying she wouldn't come to my room to yell and scream. It one of the most prominent memories of my childhood, unfortunately. As a really little kid - four or five - I'd pee myself in fear. That too - that terror - still haunts me.

Needless to say, I've invested a lot of time and money in therapy. It's affected me deeply. I find it hard to trust people, hard to be open and initimate with people, and very hard to escape those memories of my childhood. I am also a people pleaser. My husband suffered a similar experience in childhood and he's a big people pleaser too.

As you can imagine, it's affected my relationship with my mother. My mother since went to rehab and has truly transformed - she's much more pleasant and sensitive to the world around her. I think she's quite desperate to undo the way that she treated my brother and me. It cannot be undone, unfortunately, although we work hard at building our relationship, especially now that DD is in the picture. I can't say I love my mother, though. I treat her respectfully and I try to be inclusive, but I don't love her.

When it comes to how I raise my daughter, I am absolutely committed to never yelling at her and terrorizing her. Of course I'll get angry and I'm positive that I'll say things that I don't mean. But my husband and I want to provide her with love and stability and a home where even if my husband or myself is having a bad day, she isn't terrified that we'll blow up and lash out.

Boy, do you sound like a PIA. How old are you? Stop blaming mommy for everything. I'm sure she was doing the best she could at the time. Learn to forgive and move on and you might have chance at happiness.

Clearly your desire to slap a zinger on DCUM this morning has overtaken your ability for reading comprehension. If you actually comprehended my post you would have noted that my mom and I are rebuilding our relationship and that my husband and I are committed to moving forward with raising our daughter in a positive and stable environment - without the persisent yelling and screaming that characterized our respective homes as kids. I certainly don't blame mommy for everything and there wasn't anything in my post that spoke to that. To the contrary, since my early teens I've focused a lot of time and energy on moving forward. But yes, years of being terrorized by our mother's yelling affected my brother and me deeply. And no, she wasn't doing the best she could at the time, moron. She was a yelling and often verbally (sometimes physically) abusive alcoholic who ultimately sought treatment in rehab to address her behavior. Yelling all the time = dysfunction.

Maybe you feel insecure about your parenting style and behavior and my post touched a nerve .... Keep telling yourself you're doing the best you can at the time if that's what makes you feel better about yelling at your kids.

12:06, please ignore the obnoxious poster. I had a horrible mom, and read your post and thought 'Wow, I'm impressed that she can actually be respectful to her mom!.' (Since I, most definitely, cannot).