Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

The bolded is ridiculous for many (most?) families even if they have loving relationships. There is so much untreated anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues - among all generations in this country but especially the current grandparent generation. Just because you love your family and enjoy time with them, does not mean they are equipped to "help with your feelings." And if you don't want to tell the grandparents then you can't tell your siblings.

Plus, pregnancy brings out all kinds of weird buried stuff. I had otherwise normal family members ringing my doorbell to "see with their own eyes" that I was ok while on bed rest. Completely counterproductive.

Sorry but I don’t think it’s accurate about most families. No family is perfect, but most people do tell their families that they’re pregnant before giving birth and most do get love and support, even though that love and support might not be demonstrated in a way that is 100% how you would prefer it. Would you really expect your own child not to tell you if they were having a baby? I feel like I’m being trolled.

I don't think anyone's saying its common to not tell. They're saying it's not about OP and not grounds for OP/PPs feeling hurt or cutting off the pregnant person.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant. I did tell them, because I knew it would be weird not to and because I'd be showing at the holidays. But my inclination was to tell no one and my experience of pregnancy would have been better if no family knew - and I love my family and talk to them weekly. Just because somebody wants to offer their version of love and support does not mean the recipient actually experiences it as supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of you are full of crap. If your sibling, especially one you stay on contact with, did this to you, you’d be losing your mind. You may not be entitled to all the gory details, but not to be told by a sibling that a baby is on the way is a slap in the face. And some of you are too precious and self absorbed with your “ trauma and feelings”. Grow up and move on with your lives. And yes, I did lose a baby. It was awful, but I figured it out and realized I can’t walk on eggshells and have everyone around me walk on eggshells forever.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

The bolded is ridiculous for many (most?) families even if they have loving relationships. There is so much untreated anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues - among all generations in this country but especially the current grandparent generation. Just because you love your family and enjoy time with them, does not mean they are equipped to "help with your feelings." And if you don't want to tell the grandparents then you can't tell your siblings.

Plus, pregnancy brings out all kinds of weird buried stuff. I had otherwise normal family members ringing my doorbell to "see with their own eyes" that I was ok while on bed rest. Completely counterproductive.

Sorry but I don’t think it’s accurate about most families. No family is perfect, but most people do tell their families that they’re pregnant before giving birth and most do get love and support, even though that love and support might not be demonstrated in a way that is 100% how you would prefer it. Would you really expect your own child not to tell you if they were having a baby? I feel like I’m being trolled.

I don't think anyone's saying its common to not tell. They're saying it's not about OP and not grounds for OP/PPs feeling hurt or cutting off the pregnant person.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant. I did tell them, because I knew it would be weird not to and because I'd be showing at the holidays. But my inclination was to tell no one and my experience of pregnancy would have been better if no family knew - and I love my family and talk to them weekly. Just because somebody wants to offer their version of love and support does not mean the recipient actually experiences it as supportive.

This. The question isn’t “is this a very common occurrence” it’s whether OP should take the arrival of their niece and nephew as a personal slight. They should not. There are lots of reasons a person would choose not to tell, some very sad, many with nothing at all to do with OP! If it is about the OP’s behavior in particular then she’s the person most likely to be able to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

OP did the rest of your family know? My sister has never kept something from me this big, but last year she sold her house and moved in with her boyfriend (now fiance). I had no idea until she shared a listing of her house on Facebook. I sent her a text like oh wow, that's big news, and she said she figured our mom had told me. This has happened with other things too- the truth is that I'm not worthy enough for her to tell me events like that directly, only second hand. And before someone asks, my DH and I lived together before marriage too, there was zero reason for her to believe I would be judgey or something. I don't know what the deal is. We text fairly often but live far away so I really only see her when we travel back to our hometown (where she lives) or family events. She doesn't visit and is too busy to ever talk on the phone (her words).

Anyway, I'm sorry. I don't think this is normal in healthy sibling relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of you are full of crap. If your sibling, especially one you stay on contact with, did this to you, you’d be losing your mind. You may not be entitled to all the gory details, but not to be told by a sibling that a baby is on the way is a slap in the face. And some of you are too precious and self absorbed with your “ trauma and feelings”. Grow up and move on with your lives. And yes, I did lose a baby. It was awful, but I figured it out and realized I can’t walk on eggshells and have everyone around me walk on eggshells forever.

How long did it take you to figure that out? You’re amazing!

[Anonymous]

Happens in my family.
Some have delayed sharing all types of stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You mean *you* can’t. Plenty of the rest of us can welcome a baby and support its family just fine without knowing about its gestation. I imagine your sibling found supportive people who care about the baby in her arms more than they’re mad they didn’t know about one in her uterus.

You didn’t read what I wrote. The baby has been born and I still haven’t been told. That’s really weird and tells me there is no real relationship between us. Move along, psychopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You can’t be serious. You are no contact because someone didn’t inform you about a pregnancy?

Because a sibling didn’t inform me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born and texted me and interacted with me like nothing was happening the entire time. Clearly doesn’t value our relationship or trust it, so there is no reason to have a relationship going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You mean *you* can’t. Plenty of the rest of us can welcome a baby and support its family just fine without knowing about its gestation. I imagine your sibling found supportive people who care about the baby in her arms more than they’re mad they didn’t know about one in her uterus.

You didn’t read what I wrote. The baby has been born and I still haven’t been told. That’s really weird and tells me there is no real relationship between us. Move along, psychopath.

And this tells me your sibling is probably protecting themselves and their child from some real toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You can’t be serious. You are no contact because someone didn’t inform you about a pregnancy?

Because a sibling didn’t inform me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born and texted me and interacted with me like nothing was happening the entire time. Clearly doesn’t value our relationship or trust it, so there is no reason to have a relationship going forward.

How could they inform you if you cut them off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

[Anonymous]

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

More? It's family so it hurts "more"?

You are hurt by non-family members (friends, co-workers, etc...) not telling you about their pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

You'll never convince people like this- for some posters on this board it's a moral failing to have any hurt feelings whatsoever.