Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and sibling set each other up to fail and seem so skilled at it, I wonder how long you've practiced this dynamic. Have either of you ever stepped up to be the bigger person?

TBF it seems like the other sibling had a happy, drama free pregnancy.

I wouldn’t tell op about my pregnancy either. She seems like someone who is always negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and sibling set each other up to fail and seem so skilled at it, I wonder how long you've practiced this dynamic. Have either of you ever stepped up to be the bigger person?

TBF it seems like the other sibling had a happy, drama free pregnancy.

I wouldn’t tell op about my pregnancy either. She seems like someone who is always negative.

+1. OP is total drama queen and can't take a joke!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”

. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

It sure is.

A co-worker keeping their pregnancy secret would be quite a feat, given that people see them every day.

Most people didn’t know I was pregnant until my 7th month when my stomach just popped. I also had a teacher who was a rather tall woman like 5’10” range and she didn’t show all the way to the end.

And then you “popped” and your co-workers knew. What is your point?

Scroll up and read the conversation again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, confusion is the best way to describe my thoughts on this. I am so confused why they waited until the baby was born, and then informed me on that very day. Like “surprise!”. And then they expected me to be happy? I would have preferred if they waited a few weeks after the birth to inform me, because now I think my reaction put a damper on their day. But what did they really expect? I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are. But yes, I am very much confused by it all.

What was your reaction?

Well they presented it to me in a way that implied it could be a joke so at first I told them I didn’t believe it. Then they sent additional verifying pics, in attempt to shock me I suppose, so I exited the group chat. Haven’t heard from them since.

This gives some idea of why they might not have wanted to share their news sooner.

Why’s that?

Leaving a family chat is pretty dramatic. They may have thought (correctly or incorrectly) that you would react similarly to a pregnancy announcement, and decided they didn’t want months of drama. If that IS what they thought, you proved them right and they’re patting themselves on the back for not telling you.

You didn’t put a damper on their day though, don’t worry.

OP here. Not sure I follow. I would have been very happy to receive the news anytime prior to the birth. Receiving it on the actual day felt like some sort of “gotcha” and I was blindsided to the point of not believing it. My first reaction was “is it April Fools’ Day?”. Sadly it was not. At that point I did not wish to receive an endless slew of baby pictures from a couple who apparently didn’t care enough about our relationship to inform me in advance, and so leaving the family chat seemed the most prudent option. I hope I didn’t put a damper on their day, but I have to wonder what reaction they possibly expected with such truly bizarre behavior. Thanks to all those who understand my position.

Holy mackerel! If that is your reaction it's no wonder they didn't tell you sooner- your reaction should have been, "congratulations!" How did the other people in the chat react? Presumably with more grace and excitement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, confusion is the best way to describe my thoughts on this. I am so confused why they waited until the baby was born, and then informed me on that very day. Like “surprise!”. And then they expected me to be happy? I would have preferred if they waited a few weeks after the birth to inform me, because now I think my reaction put a damper on their day. But what did they really expect? I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are. But yes, I am very much confused by it all.

What was your reaction?

Well they presented it to me in a way that implied it could be a joke so at first I told them I didn’t believe it. Then they sent additional verifying pics, in attempt to shock me I suppose, so I exited the group chat. Haven’t heard from them since.

This gives some idea of why they might not have wanted to share their news sooner.

Why’s that?

Leaving a family chat is pretty dramatic. They may have thought (correctly or incorrectly) that you would react similarly to a pregnancy announcement, and decided they didn’t want months of drama. If that IS what they thought, you proved them right and they’re patting themselves on the back for not telling you.

You didn’t put a damper on their day though, don’t worry.

OP here. Not sure I follow. I would have been very happy to receive the news anytime prior to the birth. Receiving it on the actual day felt like some sort of “gotcha” and I was blindsided to the point of not believing it. My first reaction was “is it April Fools’ Day?”. Sadly it was not. At that point I did not wish to receive an endless slew of baby pictures from a couple who apparently didn’t care enough about our relationship to inform me in advance, and so leaving the family chat seemed the most prudent option. I hope I didn’t put a damper on their day, but I have to wonder what reaction they possibly expected with such truly bizarre behavior. Thanks to all those who understand my position.

One thing it’s not is Groundhog’s Day. She wasn’t going to endure that attitude for 9 months. Not safe and supported like tf I said.

[Anonymous]

Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and sibling set each other up to fail and seem so skilled at it, I wonder how long you've practiced this dynamic. Have either of you ever stepped up to be the bigger person?

TBF it seems like the other sibling had a happy, drama free pregnancy.

I wouldn’t tell op about my pregnancy either. She seems like someone who is always negative.

+1. OP is total drama queen and can't take a joke!

What’s the joke? The pregnancy? You think the sibling played a nine month joke and OP just didn’t accept the punch line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Of course it's possible to respond gracefully to the initial announcement. Afterward, how you respond to the prior notice issue depends on the circumstances, which of course will take time to unpack. Just because you cannot fathom a graceful response in this situation does not mean everyone else is bound to your mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Agreed- OP took the bait and acted in the heat of the moment. Hard to back out from that now, so unfortunately the situation now reflects on her poorly instead of the sibling's actions (which I also would have been 100% surprised and confused by, don't get me wrong).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Of course it's possible to respond gracefully to the initial announcement. Afterward, how you respond to the prior notice issue depends on the circumstances, which of course will take time to unpack. Just because you cannot fathom a graceful response in this situation does not mean everyone else is bound to your mindset.

Sure it's possible but we are all human and make imperfect decisions. If this situation were flipped around and it was the sibling posting about how their (non-estranged) family was confused about not finding out about their baby's birth until the birth, there would no doubt be a lot of criticism and questions for them as well.

It also depends on the relationship because my family's group chat tends to have a lot of GIFs and snarks, so if a sibling randomly posted baby photos without warning that they were pregnant or trying to adopt I would quite likely misconstrue as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Did you miss the part where they said this about their sibling? "I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are." This is such a calculated thing to say. It's clear there's some unresolved conflict between the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Of course it's possible to respond gracefully to the initial announcement. Afterward, how you respond to the prior notice issue depends on the circumstances, which of course will take time to unpack. Just because you cannot fathom a graceful response in this situation does not mean everyone else is bound to your mindset.

Sure it's possible but we are all human and make imperfect decisions. If this situation were flipped around and it was the sibling posting about how their (non-estranged) family was confused about not finding out about their baby's birth until the birth, there would no doubt be a lot of criticism and questions for them as well.

It also depends on the relationship because my family's group chat tends to have a lot of GIFs and snarks, so if a sibling randomly posted baby photos without warning that they were pregnant or trying to adopt I would quite likely misconstrue as well.

I think the disagreement is what happens after the initial surprise and confusion is cleared up. Yes it's possible to respond with graceful 'congratulations' and then over time unpacking the reasons for the pregnancy not being announced. This is most certainly an option and it's the option I would choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

Of course you respond with grace in a family chat to a sibling announcing a child's birth with no notice of a pregnancy.

Then you call your BFF and discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, people. Anyone who says they would have responded gracefully to a sibling announcing their child’s birth with no prior notice, on a group text to boot, is just trying to needle the OP. Of course both the timing and method are unusual ways to have announced news of this magnitude to one’s sibling.

That said, OP, this is now your new niece or nephew. Be glad for the family, properly fawn over the new little one, and once the dust settles I’d have a one to one chat with my sibling explaining that you were hurt to have learned of the news this way, I’d emphasize their importance to me, and then I’d move on.

This is great advice, but would only work if the OP hadn’t left the family chat in a dramatic huff. She’s going to have to eat some crow before anyone lets her fawn over the new little one, and from her portrayal of her sibling as “narcissistic” I have a feeling OP can’t recognize that she is in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

I would have just said congrats on the family chat and stayed in the chat. It is what it is.

For whatever reason they didn't want people in the family to know until they had an actual baby. Assume there are some family dynamics at work there and there are reasons.