Would you hang onto a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you for the sake of kids?

[Anonymous]

Have some self respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

Troll

DP. No, I totally agree with PP. OP may be willing to pathetically limp along but she can’t force her DH to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were bad or negligent at parenting, communicating, judgment, and doing adult things, probably yes.

That doesn’t get better if divorced.

That doesn’t get better for you, with “co-parenting.”

That doesn’t get better for you or the kids with new dates, 2nd spouses, or blended families.

Of course it gets better if you get divorced. Some of you have very very low standards for you life and it’s sad.

That’s super news! Please tell us about your experience divorcing a narcissist and how it’s going coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

Troll

DP. No, I totally agree with PP. OP may be willing to pathetically limp along but she can’t force her DH to do so.

He’s opted out and has been limping along the last few years and?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just commiseration. I’m in this boat, too. My husband hates absolutely everything about me except that I make his life convenient and it makes me so sad that I don’t have someone to have a real relationship with right now, but I can’t bear the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. My youngest is only 5 and my plan is to try to cope until he’s a teen and then leave. I’m a SAHM and he obsessively controls all finances so that’s another added challenge to leaving. All of the paths seem hard, this is the hard that I’m choosing. I hope that I’m not too old to find a real partner and a real relationship once my kids are older.

Just know you aren’t alone!

In general, your kid will be better off emotionally if you divorce when they are 5 than when they are older. I realize you have a lot of figure out but you really need to think about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

Lots of rich people don’t divorce. One party just stays at the beach house a lot, etc. If neither party wants to have another relationship, this can work. Honestly, this might be the kind of guy who realizes the grass isn’t greener and decides to work on the marriage.

My husband and I still love each other very much. But if he came to me tomorrow and said he didn’t love me, I would very much be having a logistical conversation with him. We have a child with profound SN, and it is easier to take care of her together than in two households. And realistically, right now, I think my other 14 year old would want to stay with me a lot more than him (which would break his heart and isn’t actually good for her either). I would likely highly encourage him to move into our in law suite and try to coparent that way for one year just to see how it might work. That way he sees the kids daily which is good for everyone. Honestly, I think my husband would quickly realize he preferred to live in the main house with all of us and that what I bring to the table brings a lot of good into his life.

There doesn’t seem to be a need to run to divorce court in the very specific scenario presented.

[Anonymous]

From a divorcee, it depends on your financial situation. My kids are doing well but we both have jobs and their lifestyle was not compromised too much. Yes it would’ve been better otherwise but I saw the future and only being 40 and did not want to resign myself to the verbal abuse and cruelty and disrespect for the rest of my kids’ youth. I viewed it as role modeling, and if I stayed, they would’ve not learned about good relationships. I know this because my marriage was similar to my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were bad or negligent at parenting, communicating, judgment, and doing adult things, probably yes.

That doesn’t get better if divorced.

That doesn’t get better for you, with “co-parenting.”

That doesn’t get better for you or the kids with new dates, 2nd spouses, or blended families.

Of course it gets better if you get divorced. Some of you have very very low standards for you life and it’s sad.

That’s super news! Please tell us about your experience divorcing a narcissist and how it’s going coparenting.

This. It does not get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world do you want a person next to you who doesn't want to be with you?
Imagine your kids having to stay in relationships they don't want to stay. I hated that my parents stayed together til we were 18.

Unless he gives up custody you are still forced to stay in a “relationship” with him to coparent, schedule, academic & health decisions, child rearing together.

True you won’t live together, which alleviates abusive situations thought there can still be financial and verbal and emotional al abuse when ducted and coparenting.

Divorce also opens up risks such as: new women, new bio children, new step children, strained resources, your mutual descendants are not financial protected in any will unless irrevocable trusts are set up.

OP’s spouse seems cognitively impaired to the demands of adult life, married with children. He wants some Peter Pan life himself, without demands, where he can work, see his kids occasionally, and be alone most times.

He will likely start dating again for ego sake, if he is employed and looks ok. then he will repeat the cycle. Not want to step up. Quit. Repeat.

100%
People think divorce is freedom. It is not if you have kids and share custody, which is the default. It is not over until the kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just commiseration. I’m in this boat, too. My husband hates absolutely everything about me except that I make his life convenient and it makes me so sad that I don’t have someone to have a real relationship with right now, but I can’t bear the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. My youngest is only 5 and my plan is to try to cope until he’s a teen and then leave. I’m a SAHM and he obsessively controls all finances so that’s another added challenge to leaving. All of the paths seem hard, this is the hard that I’m choosing. I hope that I’m not too old to find a real partner and a real relationship once my kids are older.

Just know you aren’t alone!

In general, your kid will be better off emotionally if you divorce when they are 5 than when they are older. I realize you have a lot of figure out but you really need to think about this.

Plus you can never move more than like 50 miles from your ex if you’re doing 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is an affair.

NP-my husband is having an affair, and I know for sure OPs husband is not based on what she describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband may be in the spectrum.
I personally would stay for the sake of the kids since there is not much connection but not abuse either. Hopefully things may get better with some help (therapy? More couple time when kids grow up?). I have seen in my own family that a ‘not picture perfect but stable family’ is much better than a grumpy divorce
Ps. Not sure what is your ethnic background but in many cultures (mine included) marriage is more about shared responsibilities and commitment rather than lovely feelings

Even if there is infidelity-not saying there is in this case but just curious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is an affair.

He’s on Grindr, using another phone that you don’t know about, he’s gay. Or maybe he’s not gay but sleeping with hookers to scatch his itch, or he’s just having a good old affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

Lots of rich people don’t divorce. One party just stays at the beach house a lot, etc. If neither party wants to have another relationship, this can work. Honestly, this might be the kind of guy who realizes the grass isn’t greener and decides to work on the marriage.

My husband and I still love each other very much. But if he came to me tomorrow and said he didn’t love me, I would very much be having a logistical conversation with him. We have a child with profound SN, and it is easier to take care of her together than in two households. And realistically, right now, I think my other 14 year old would want to stay with me a lot more than him (which would break his heart and isn’t actually good for her either). I would likely highly encourage him to move into our in law suite and try to coparent that way for one year just to see how it might work. That way he sees the kids daily which is good for everyone. Honestly, I think my husband would quickly realize he preferred to live in the main house with all of us and that what I bring to the table brings a lot of good into his life.

There doesn’t seem to be a need to run to divorce court in the very specific scenario presented.

This is exactly it. There is no reason to get divorced in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Divorces are trashy. Unless there’s chronic abuse, stay together