Would you hang onto a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you for the sake of kids?

[Anonymous]

Yikes!

There is no convincing that husband of yours to stay.

[Anonymous]

Why in the world do you want a person next to you who doesn't want to be with you?
Imagine your kids having to stay in relationships they don't want to stay. I hated that my parents stayed together til we were 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

I would seriously build an extension or move to a bigger house. Give him space. Literally.

This. I would move heaven and earth to get this man a space of his own on your own property, rather than an apartment somewhere. Ideally, a little tiny house in the yard with big windows. Huge windows so a casual passer-by can see his screen. No room for a bed. Just a man, his computer, and a chair. Get him a security camera for burglars, and tell him to put his nice computer out there. Call it his man cave and declare it a as child-free zone. The security camera and tight quarters will hopefully prevent visitors on your actual property. Maybe he’ll feel more connected once he has enough alone time. At the very least, you’ll increase the value of your house and stay together longer. You really want to avoid divorce during their childhood if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world do you want a person next to you who doesn't want to be with you?
Imagine your kids having to stay in relationships they don't want to stay. I hated that my parents stayed together til we were 18.

Unless he gives up custody you are still forced to stay in a “relationship” with him to coparent, schedule, academic & health decisions, child rearing together.

True you won’t live together, which alleviates abusive situations thought there can still be financial and verbal and emotional al abuse when ducted and coparenting.

Divorce also opens up risks such as: new women, new bio children, new step children, strained resources, your mutual descendants are not financial protected in any will unless irrevocable trusts are set up.

OP’s spouse seems cognitively impaired to the demands of adult life, married with children. He wants some Peter Pan life himself, without demands, where he can work, see his kids occasionally, and be alone most times.

He will likely start dating again for ego sake, if he is employed and looks ok. then he will repeat the cycle. Not want to step up. Quit. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has told me that he’s not in love with me and that he doesn’t see that changing with therapy or anything else. He’s civil to me most of the time (occasionally rude/condescending, but nothing too terrible). About a year ago, he told me he wants to move out and I convinced him to stay for the sake of the kids. Today he told me again that he doesn’t see our relationship changing and that he feels that we both deserve to be happier.

Should I try to convince him to stay again? The idea of breaking my kids’ hearts and destroying their stability kills me. I can not imagine not seeing them everyday and splitting every vacation, every visit from college, etc.

We don’t have a lot of conflict, and we get along around the kids. We do lots of stuff together as a family and I genuinely enjoy those times. I think our kids would truly be shocked if we split, as would our friends—we appear to be a solid, caring couple. But the second we are alone, we just do our own things and completely disconnect form one an other. We don’t have sx, don’t cuddle, etc. We do share info about our work, our days, etc. our household isn’t tense or angry. It’s just that there’s no connection between us except for the kids.

Putting the financial hit aside, would you fight to stay in this marriage. Thinking of splitting time with my kids is breaking my heart!!

Op you are being selfish. Maybe part of reason why your husband no longer likes you, let along love you. Put this man out of his misery. You both deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You are teaching them a lot with your actions.

[Anonymous]

He won’t be able to handle middle schoolers or teens. He sounds like he likes babies and toddlers who play and follow you around. That stage doesn’t last.

Why isn’t he filing for divorce Op? He has no plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, this so very heartbreaking. Something similar happened to me, and I found out he was having an affair. Can that be?

Yep same here. Came to suggest this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has told me that he’s not in love with me and that he doesn’t see that changing with therapy or anything else. He’s civil to me most of the time (occasionally rude/condescending, but nothing too terrible). About a year ago, he told me he wants to move out and I convinced him to stay for the sake of the kids. Today he told me again that he doesn’t see our relationship changing and that he feels that we both deserve to be happier.

Should I try to convince him to stay again? The idea of breaking my kids’ hearts and destroying their stability kills me. I can not imagine not seeing them everyday and splitting every vacation, every visit from college, etc.

We don’t have a lot of conflict, and we get along around the kids. We do lots of stuff together as a family and I genuinely enjoy those times. I think our kids would truly be shocked if we split, as would our friends—we appear to be a solid, caring couple. But the second we are alone, we just do our own things and completely disconnect form one an other. We don’t have sx, don’t cuddle, etc. We do share info about our work, our days, etc. our household isn’t tense or angry. It’s just that there’s no connection between us except for the kids.

Putting the financial hit aside, would you fight to stay in this marriage. Thinking of splitting time with my kids is breaking my heart!!

Op you are being selfish. Maybe part of reason why your husband no longer likes you, let along love you. Put this man out of his misery. You both deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You are teaching them a lot with your actions.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Call his bluff.

Keep him in a cuckhold. If he wants to divorce and more formally opt out of marriage than he already has, he needs to do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has told me that he’s not in love with me and that he doesn’t see that changing with therapy or anything else. He’s civil to me most of the time (occasionally rude/condescending, but nothing too terrible). About a year ago, he told me he wants to move out and I convinced him to stay for the sake of the kids. Today he told me again that he doesn’t see our relationship changing and that he feels that we both deserve to be happier.

Should I try to convince him to stay again? The idea of breaking my kids’ hearts and destroying their stability kills me. I can not imagine not seeing them everyday and splitting every vacation, every visit from college, etc.

We don’t have a lot of conflict, and we get along around the kids. We do lots of stuff together as a family and I genuinely enjoy those times. I think our kids would truly be shocked if we split, as would our friends—we appear to be a solid, caring couple. But the second we are alone, we just do our own things and completely disconnect form one an other. We don’t have sx, don’t cuddle, etc. We do share info about our work, our days, etc. our household isn’t tense or angry. It’s just that there’s no connection between us except for the kids.

Putting the financial hit aside, would you fight to stay in this marriage. Thinking of splitting time with my kids is breaking my heart!!

Op you are being selfish. Maybe part of reason why your husband no longer likes you, let along love you. Put this man out of his misery. You both deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You are teaching them a lot with your actions.

Don’t listen to this Op. there are so many weirdos on this forum for some reason. You are not selfish, he is of course. But the grown ups here are giving you good advice. When you have kids, their well being must be the primary focus. I wouldn’t try to encourage your husband to want to be in love with you again, but have a grown up convo about the kids and about wanting to raise them together and not harm them. Bc divorce will harm them. People on here- I assume the weirdos like the Pp - are way to cavalier about divorce. I suggest you offer him space and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

So then why does he want to move out? Does he not understand how he'll see his kids half as much then?

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe how many people support your idea to having this relationship limp along on life support. Why don't you want better for yourself? I know it's unfair, it's not how things were suppose to end up, but have some self respect and accept reality!

Troll

[Anonymous]

Why would you do this? How are you even contemplating this would work *after your kids are out of the house*? I think you are in deep denial about what’s going on. Let him go. It sounds like he’d find a new partner and move on anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they were bad or negligent at parenting, communicating, judgment, and doing adult things, probably yes.

That doesn’t get better if divorced.

That doesn’t get better for you, with “co-parenting.”

That doesn’t get better for you or the kids with new dates, 2nd spouses, or blended families.

Of course it gets better if you get divorced. Some of you have very very low standards for you life and it’s sad.