Would you hang onto a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you for the sake of kids?

[Anonymous]

If you’re not being if you’re not being emotionally or financially or domestically abused, I’d stay. I’m divorced, but I hated my life and was emotionally and financially abused, and he destroyed the terms of our marriage. Honestly, divorce is not much better because of coparenting. You really never get rid of a spouse unless you have full custody, which is not the norm and hard to get so there really is not that much advantage in getting a divorce. The logistics alone are not worth it.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband may be in the spectrum.
I personally would stay for the sake of the kids since there is not much connection but not abuse either. Hopefully things may get better with some help (therapy? More couple time when kids grow up?). I have seen in my own family that a ‘not picture perfect but stable family’ is much better than a grumpy divorce
Ps. Not sure what is your ethnic background but in many cultures (mine included) marriage is more about shared responsibilities and commitment rather than lovely feelings

[Anonymous]

Honest question — do you give him BJ’s and lots of 🐱 OP? And how often? And how receptive is he to receiving those things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Kids are finishing up 3rd and 5th.

It’s not an affair. We both work from home, share our locations on our phone and he has no shady behavior around the computer or phone—leaves things open and visible. He hands me his phone frequently to do various things and never seems concerned.

He is an introvert and his outings are really just family stuff on weekends.

I know everyone’s first guess is an affair but I really don’t think that’s it—I can’t think of a time in the past year when he’s not at the house and I don’t know exactly where he is.

My take is - can you realistically convince him to stay for 10 more years? If so, do it! You seem pretty happy, and this sounds pretty solid from your end. But if not - I would let him go now. 5th grade is basically the oldest a kid will adjust well to this. Splitting up in middle school, high school, or college are all worse than during elementary school. So if this is untenable, shake it up now.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? I may have missed that.

If they are young, he's a selfish pr(ck.

He can stay in the house, but still live his own life. He can still date and do whatever. Just not bring her home.

But, I'm betting he also doesn't want to be a dad 24/7.

I'll say it again, most men shouldn't have kids.

if they are older, just let him leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband may be in the spectrum.
I personally would stay for the sake of the kids since there is not much connection but not abuse either. Hopefully things may get better with some help (therapy? More couple time when kids grow up?). I have seen in my own family that a ‘not picture perfect but stable family’ is much better than a grumpy divorce
Ps. Not sure what is your ethnic background but in many cultures (mine included) marriage is more about shared responsibilities and commitment rather than lovely feelings

+1 Sure, at times, you will be angry with your spouse, and maybe even think about divorce, but at the end of the day, it is definitely about a commitment to the family and relationship.

Passion fades. The love morphs into something different, more deep but less passionate compared to the first few years. It becomes about family. IMO, a lot of men seem to care more about themselves than their family and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

Does he feel guilty for not being there for you, and he wants to be free of that guilt?
It doesn’t sound like he wants to date other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Kids are finishing up 3rd and 5th.

It’s not an affair. We both work from home, share our locations on our phone and he has no shady behavior around the computer or phone—leaves things open and visible. He hands me his phone frequently to do various things and never seems concerned.

He is an introvert and his outings are really just family stuff on weekends.

I know everyone’s first guess is an affair but I really don’t think that’s it—I can’t think of a time in the past year when he’s not at the house and I don’t know exactly where he is.

My take is - can you realistically convince him to stay for 10 more years? If so, do it! You seem pretty happy, and this sounds pretty solid from your end. But if not - I would let him go now. 5th grade is basically the oldest a kid will adjust well to this. Splitting up in middle school, high school, or college are all worse than during elementary school. So if this is untenable, shake it up now.

I’m here. You need to have a very practical conversation with him. You are better off pulling the trigger now versus when these kids are in middle school, high school, or frankly, college. I doubt he will stick it out that long.

But, if you are going to maintain two households, could you find a way to do that where you stay married so you get the tax benefits, etc? Could you buy a house with an in law suite, have him stay mostly at a “vacation” home, etc? I’m not sure a guy who is this involved with the kids has thought through how this will change things.

[Anonymous]

He’s one of those idiots who will be take. To the cleaners by his second wife and her bio kids.

Good luck.

Sorry his parents didn’t get him help for his mental disorders when he was a child.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has told me that he’s not in love with me and that he doesn’t see that changing with therapy or anything else. He’s civil to me most of the time (occasionally rude/condescending, but nothing too terrible). About a year ago, he told me he wants to move out and I convinced him to stay for the sake of the kids. Today he told me again that he doesn’t see our relationship changing and that he feels that we both deserve to be happier.

Should I try to convince him to stay again? The idea of breaking my kids’ hearts and destroying their stability kills me. I can not imagine not seeing them everyday and splitting every vacation, every visit from college, etc.

We don’t have a lot of conflict, and we get along around the kids. We do lots of stuff together as a family and I genuinely enjoy those times. I think our kids would truly be shocked if we split, as would our friends—we appear to be a solid, caring couple. But the second we are alone, we just do our own things and completely disconnect form one an other. We don’t have sx, don’t cuddle, etc. We do share info about our work, our days, etc. our household isn’t tense or angry. It’s just that there’s no connection between us except for the kids.

Putting the financial hit aside, would you fight to stay in this marriage. Thinking of splitting time with my kids is breaking my heart!!

Please don’t do this to yourself or your kids. You’ll all lose. Did this and it was a big mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband may be in the spectrum.
I personally would stay for the sake of the kids since there is not much connection but not abuse either. Hopefully things may get better with some help (therapy? More couple time when kids grow up?). I have seen in my own family that a ‘not picture perfect but stable family’ is much better than a grumpy divorce
Ps. Not sure what is your ethnic background but in many cultures (mine included) marriage is more about shared responsibilities and commitment rather than lovely feelings

Agree. 100% he is on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just commiseration. I’m in this boat, too. My husband hates absolutely everything about me except that I make his life convenient and it makes me so sad that I don’t have someone to have a real relationship with right now, but I can’t bear the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. My youngest is only 5 and my plan is to try to cope until he’s a teen and then leave. I’m a SAHM and he obsessively controls all finances so that’s another added challenge to leaving. All of the paths seem hard, this is the hard that I’m choosing. I hope that I’m not too old to find a real partner and a real relationship once my kids are older.

Just know you aren’t alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s gay!

Thats my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he think will improve with his life if he separates? Does he plan to date or he just wants 50% of the time to himself? Can he have a separate basement or in law suite?

These all are good questions. I personally would find it extremely painful to remain married to my husband if he was no longer in love with me and my love for him was one sided. I also generally don’t think staying for the kids is a good plan because kids learn about their own relationships from their parents and suffer in a tense household.

BUT, the way you describe your household, it doesn’t seem tense at all and it also seems that you all spend a good amount of time together as a family, you and your DH are respectful to one another when your kids are around, etc. Given this, remaining married might be the best thing for your kids, even if it’s not the best situation for you. I would try to figure out what your DH hopes to gain from separating and see if there is a way he can achieve that while staying married. If he’s really just looking for more alone time to read and hike, that’s pretty doable.