Would you hang onto a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you for the sake of kids?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn’t stay. But I also wouldn’t have married this guy. I need a best friend and sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

And ? He still wants out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

If his best reason is “you both deserve to be happier,” he sounds like a total idiot.

Blow up the lives of a 3rd and 5th grader because he doesn’t know wtf he wants or wants to be when he grows up.?. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

Well then.

While it’s too bad he cannot articulate things better, if your above guesses are true, then the issue is the married part not the kids part.

[Anonymous]

He’s gay!

[Anonymous]

Have you suggested marriage counseling? Maybe he can get another place for himself for some space? He hasn't said he wants a divorce. I think give marriage counseling a try. And let him get a place for himself that he can retreat to. The fact that you say he is a good father means if you do divorce eventually, you can have an amicable coparenting where you can see the kids most days, making sure you live near each other.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I don't think you can do this indefinitely, and speaking as someone with kids graduating high school, right now seems like a horrible time to divorce. So awful as it is you might be better off doing it now.

Also, while the welfare of the kids is really important, it sounds like he would be a good co-parent, and you also deserve to have a decent life.

[Anonymous]

OP, young kids and house chores are enough to make any relationship boring, throw in both working from home and it reslly removes all boundary, mystery and privacy. You two should give it a try.

[Anonymous]

* it meant therapy and intentional rejuvenation

[Anonymous]

What does he think will improve with his life if he separates? Does he plan to date or he just wants 50% of the time to himself? Can he have a separate basement or in law suite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think the underlying reason is that he probably never really wanted this marriage. He’s an extreme introvert and kinda tried me on for a while thinking it would be good for him. But 15 years in, he wants to read his books, hike and pursue his hobbies. He has very few needs for people—we have “couple friends” who we see frequently and he has a few of his own friends who he sees occasionally…but social interaction is not high on his list of priorities.

He is a very good father—quiet, but attentive and interested. I think he spends all of the emotional energy he has on being connected with the kids and has nothing left for me, friends or other relationships. He is truly good with the kids—we hike together a lot as a family, he comes to all sporting events, he talks to them about their days, he plans vacations with their interests in mind, etc. I handle all kid logistics but he handles lots of other logistics—e.g. vacation planning, home repairs, more than 50% of the cooking, etc.

I would seriously build an extension or move to a bigger house. Give him space. Literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he think will improve with his life if he separates? Does he plan to date or he just wants 50% of the time to himself? Can he have a separate basement or in law suite?

Great questions.

Am curious if he has any idea what he is even saying. Maybe he’s a Bug Ideas guy… with totally incorrect expectations.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had something more positive to say, but I’ve been going through something extraordinarily similar to you since the start of the year only it’s gone a little bit faster. He said all the same things ended up moving to the basement a couple months later. And then he just moved out a month ago. I sounded exactly like you do too like I was so hopeful for trying to resolve it, and he was already out the door mentally. The best advice I can give you right now is to get your financial paperwork in order and do some attorney consults. If you are like me, You don’t wanna do this and you’re probably gonna resist my advice and I don’t blame you one bit

[Anonymous]

Sorry but it sounds to me as if your husband has completely checked out of your marriage.
If you make any attempt to salvage your relationship you will likely be doing so in vain since BOTH parties would need to be on board if the marriage were to be saved.

How old are your kids??
I know it will be very tough to move on from your husband but it sounds like it will be a waste of your time if you try to keep your husband to remain married to you.
Time spent away from your children will not be easy at all
but it will be fine once you get used to it.