What do you think you did right to have a close relationship with your adult child?

[Anonymous]

knowing that the different phases eventually go away and around 22-23 they become wonderful people and the relationship changes drastically.

Supporting their decisions and letting them make them starting with where they might want to go to school and it is ok if they go to the 345th ranked school and become an assistant pre-school teacher working part time and walking dogs part time.

[Anonymous]

We are younger married parents.
That helps.

[Anonymous]

I was reactionary when she was small. When she was 8 or so, I saw that was damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship. I apologized sincerely, told her I wouldn’t do that anymore, and changed my behavior. It took a couple of years before she really trusted me, but she does now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being non judgemental and non reactionary are the most important, as well as respecting who your kid is, even if they are different from you. My mom did the opposite of all those, and as a result, we've never been close.

+1 I still spend a lot of time with my parents as they are local and very helpful involved grandparents. But we are not "close" in terms of my sharing and being vulnerable. They have always been focused on achievement and external appearances and anytime I share some doubts or weakness, it's turned against me like it's my own fault for feeling that way or I'm not grateful enough for things or I'm creating problems for other people or I'm selfish. I'm talking about basic stuff like saying that being a parent is hard/busy, or that something sucks about my job, etc.

They are also not open to my own feedback about their own behavior including asking them to keep some of their judgment and feedback about my parenting to themselves.

I think we all walk on eggshells a bit now and it's unfortunate but to me keeping a lot to myself and only sharing good stuff is emotional self protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well equipped for and willing to do some babysitting. Listen but offer no advice unless asked.

It seems people want parents to quietly and unconditionally give and give and have no opinions or needs of themselves.

Np. Isn't that the definition of parenting? Help and money roll downhill.

NP: I see friends enable adult children by rolling $$$$ downhill and not saying a word about terrible terrible behavior. The result is the adult child is a degenerate. BUT they have a great relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offering truly non-judgmental, unconditional love is so important. And wanting to know them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

This right here.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t smother him. He isn’t me and he’s fine with B grades so I let him get Bs. He saw how hard I work and I taught him gratitude from a young age. I’m a single mom and he’s now a grateful, hardworking young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reactionary when she was small. When she was 8 or so, I saw that was damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship. I apologized sincerely, told her I wouldn’t do that anymore, and changed my behavior. It took a couple of years before she really trusted me, but she does now.

I had the same experience. I learned the phrase “we will talk about it when we both calm down.” That made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reactionary when she was small. When she was 8 or so, I saw that was damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship. I apologized sincerely, told her I wouldn’t do that anymore, and changed my behavior. It took a couple of years before she really trusted me, but she does now.

I love this because course correcting as a parent is such a great way to build trust and closeness with your child. They see you vulnerable, willing to admit you are wrong, but then also having the maturity to recognize it and make another choice. And there's also this accountability that comes into when you tell a child "I've been doing xyz with you and I can see it's not the right choice, I'm going to do abc now." Because there's an implied promise there, and kids will call you on it if you don't live up to your end of the bargain. This is really powerful for them, to realize that they can hold you accountable for your behavior towards them. That's how real relationships work -- both parties have responsiblities to the other. They don't have to be the same responsibilities (in a parent-child relationships they will almost never be the same or equal) but something like the commitment to treat each other with respect has to be reciprocal.

Anyway, I think it's so cool you did this and really speaks to your maturity as a parent. I bet your daughter respects you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things come to mind, from a mid-30s mom who has a tough relationship with her own mother:

First, have your own interests outside of your kids. My mother left the workforce when I (only child) was born and never returned. She has very few friends and no real hobbies. When she calls, I resent it, because she doesn't have anything of her own to talk about and expects me to entertain her. It feels more like a demand to put on a performance than a genuine attempt to connect.

Second, treat your kids with a baseline level of respect. Growing up, my mom afforded me no privacy whatsoever. She would barge into my room without knocking and read my diary. When I confided in her (low stakes things like telling her about a boy I liked or that I wanted to start shaving my legs), she would tell my dad, even though she promised not to. As a young adult, I would occasionally have mail sent to their home and she would open and read it.

I could have written the first half of this. My mom had hobbies when I was younger, but none that could be carried into her elderly years, such as sports. So she relies on other people to fill her time and entertain her. She pouts and makes us feel guilty if she hasn’t left the house in a couple of days. (She can still drive and is free to go anywhere she wants.) Since she doesn’t have hobbies, she mostly just wants to talk about other people. It is often stuff that I do not care to hear about or that she really should not be sharing. This keeps me from confiding in her because I don’t want her telling other people my business. For example, we could use her help and advice with finances right now. She’s pretty good at that. But I don’t want my siblings, her friends, and several random relatives to know about my financial strains.

In spite of all that, I am generally close to her and do my best to spend time with her, and I enjoy spending time with her. But I do have some resentment towards her because of all this. She drains my social battery and this has affected my ability to maintain friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t smother him. He isn’t me and he’s fine with B grades so I let him get Bs. He saw how hard I work and I taught him gratitude from a young age. I’m a single mom and he’s now a grateful, hardworking young man.

If letting him get Bs was your biggest “let him live and learn” moment, then that’s great for you, but you might want to sit this one out. Lol. There are many people reading this who would kill to have a B student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:knowing that the different phases eventually go away and around 22-23 they become wonderful people and the relationship changes drastically.

Supporting their decisions and letting them make them starting with where they might want to go to school and it is ok if they go to the 345th ranked school and become an assistant pre-school teacher working part time and walking dogs part time.

Be careful. There is a lot of passive-aggressive judgment in this post. Supporting your kid my saying you will still love them even if they go to a subpar college or become a dog walker is not the way.

Also, looking down on other people’s career paths and choices is not setting a great example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”


Hang in there, PP. It sounds like you are parenting in a way that is best for the individual child. The goal isn't that they become your best friend, right? It is that they become responsible, independent adults with kind hearts. Some adult kids don't need coddling and non-judgmental friendship. Some actually need parental boundaries and ... judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”


Hang in there, PP. It sounds like you are parenting in a way that is best for the individual child. The goal isn't that they become your best friend, right? It is that they become responsible, independent adults with kind hearts. Some adult kids don't need coddling and non-judgmental friendship. Some actually need parental boundaries and ... judgment.

Another expression of encouragement for this PP. To everyone, yes, there are things we can do to help foster good relationships. But, who our children are is less in our control than many think, and sometimes you end up with a child who is not someone you would necessarily mesh with/gravitate to if they were not family. And it is hard. I have twin college students, and they are completely different people who need different levels of parenting right now, and for the one who needs more, I do worry about it straining our relationship later. But, I also need them to grow up. It's a Catch 22 sometimes: safety/health/forward path sometimes means a strained relationship now. But, I am optimistic that things will turn out ok in the end.