Reply to What do you think you did right to have a close relationship with your adult child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it)[/b]. I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices. [/quote]

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”

Hang in there, PP.  It sounds like you are parenting in a way that is best for the individual child.  The goal isn't that they become your best friend, right? It is that they become responsible, independent adults with kind hearts.   Some adult kids don't need coddling and non-judgmental friendship.  Some actually need parental boundaries and ... judgment.     
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Another expression of encouragement for this PP. To everyone, yes, there are things we can do to help foster good relationships. But, who our children are is less in our control than many think, and sometimes you end up with a child who is not someone you would necessarily mesh with/gravitate to if they were not family. And it is hard. I have twin college students, and they are completely different people who need different levels of parenting right now, and for the one who needs more, I do worry about it straining our relationship later. But, I also need them to grow up. It's a Catch 22 sometimes: safety/health/forward path sometimes means a strained relationship now. But, I am optimistic that things will turn out ok in the end. [/quote]

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