What do you think you did right to have a close relationship with your adult child?
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Anonymous
| I treated them their age - not younger, not older. I was never controlling. I respected their agency and had a great deal of trust in them. I protected them when they were young, and they always knew I’d support and help them. |
Anonymous
| Age 0-3 is foundational. That’s the most important stage for emotional development and attachment. Two loving parents (who love each other and are devoted to the child) plus 24/7 care by a person in love with that child is what results in a future strong attachment. |
Anonymous
That’s why OP is asking |
Anonymous
I agree, it's not transactional when it's done out of love for your kids and grandkids. We know many families where the grandparents help out a lot and it's not some one to one transaction where the adult kids get free childcare and therefor the grandparents get a relationship. Rather, everyone loves each other and wants to spend time together, and there are multiple positive outcomes: The adult children feel supported and loved and parenting feels less burdensome overall as a result. The grandchildren feel loved and that they have a place within their extended family, and wind up with adults other than their parents that they love and depend on, which is positive for their social development and self-esteem. The grandparents feel connected to their kids and grandkids, maintain a sense of purpose outside of themselves even into their later years, and have an excuse to engage in youthful activities that can help them stay fit and mentally well. When the grandparents are uninvolved, the adult kids often feel like it's a reflection on them, like their parents hated parenting so much that they want nothing to do with another generation. The grandkids become alienated from their grandparents, and view the older generation as out of touch and disconnected. The grandparents wind up turning inward, focusing exclusively on themselves instead of others, and can become depressed or bitter that they are not attended to more, while the adult kids feel exasperated that their parents are demanding so much at a time when they are raising young kids without any family support. It is dysfunctional. |
Anonymous
You can have a great relationship with you 1 year old and do everything you just said and still wind up having an adult child who wants nothing to do with you. A lot depends on how that relationship evolves. You can't just set it and forget it. Also I know many adults who were in daycare as babies or toddlers who have a close, affectionate relationship with their parents. I do think in those cases they had two loving parents who loved each other and were devoted to their children, but that also their parents had to work and thus they had to use childcare. You can love your baby and still need an income. |
Anonymous
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Adult child who is close with my parents - they have essentially been cheerleaders for me any my sisters since each of us went to college between 20-12 years ago. They offer advice only when asked (and as a result they DO get asked), they encourage us to pursue our goals even if they don't understand them (they don't really understand my job but they know when I'm working towards a big thing, etc.), they never ask/get pushy about marraige or grandkids.
They have been there for each of us when sh*t really hit the fan - like they drove the 10 hours to help my younger sister move out of a terrible situation in the early scary days of COVID, but they don't regularly finanially support any of us or provide free unlimited childcare, etc. So they're chearleaders who know CPR. |
Anonymous
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Divorce if you must but don't make it difficult for the adult children. Be flexible about visits and schedules and understand that you will get less of their time because it has to be divided.
Don't pressure them into a stepfamily, ever. Nobody wants that. Yes you love your new partner but for your kids it's awkward and annoying, it adds a lot of complexity and can potentially be really problematic if they have bad baggage. |
Anonymous
| I posted earlier but one other thing that occurred to me about my adult relationship with my own parents: they are genuinely nice, fun people who do interesting things, so it's fun to get together with them. Spending time with my parents was never a chore. |
Anonymous
This and all the previous advice you must face the fact that they are adults. You have to stop parenting them and accept them as independent adults. Give them room and do not overwhelm them. Assumptions kill lots of relationships. Don't assume that they will spend every holiday with you and let them fly. Try not to be the parent who drones on in conversations. Pay attention to how you communicate. If you are the one talking more than 50 % of the time, work on listening. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
This last bit so much. I've often seen it quoted here that people over 70 are consumed with themselves. That would kill a relationship. |
Anonymous
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I always tried to be the "best mom" but when it sort of blew up (one of my kids got into legal trouble) I just stuck by them. The legal trouble was being caught at a private home teenage party raided by the police while he was attending a private school.
I just stuck by him. Took him by myself to the lawyer. I was the only one to show up to the diversion hearing at local court. His dad reamed him out and wouldn't show up to anything. I used my private funds to pay for everything. His dad didn't show up for HS or college graduation. I was not a perfect mom at all, I realize that no that I'm not still trying to keep it together, but he is now in his 30s. Has a good relationship with his dad (which I always preserved) but now he lives in a culture overseas where filial piety is a super overwhelming norm, and I almost get uncomfortable sometimes with the way he is constantly checking up on me, he brings me flowers when he comes home to visit 2x a year and asks me what chores he can do to make my life easier. Just be there. Don't hit them. Don't yell at them. Understand they don't always have the best judgment. I got lucky. |
Anonymous
| Well equipped for and willing to do some babysitting. Listen but offer no advice unless asked. |
Anonymous
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Adversity.
I don't recommend it, but my adult son, my teenage daughter and I do have a close bond 
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Anonymous
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I actually had a much better relationship with my dad as an adult than during my childhood, so even a poor start is not necessarily a reason to give up on your adult relationship with your child.
He always treated me with respect, assumed the best rather than the worst, tried not to be a burden. We talked regularly on the phone, I made sure to visit him. The childhood stuff wasn't traumatic, he was just always on my case over things, and always fighting with my mom (and I took my mom's side generally, because from my perspective I didn't think he was being reasonable). At some point I just decided that I was done with caring about his opinion, which was very liberating. However, after my mom died (I was in my early 30s), my dad really came through, became the default parent and cheerleader. He is also gone now, and it's more evident than ever, how much he was there for me. Having said that... Sometimes you have a personality mismatch and a relationship does go off the rails. There is alcoholism, mental illness, falling with a bad partner, etc. So you cannot control what kind of a relationship you'll have with your kids, 100 percent. However, it helps to meet them where they are, try to see them for who they are and not who you want them to be. |