Teen devastated over not getting picked...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's good to experience failure and disappointment at this age. Teaches resilience.

Also a good experience in how not to lead and bad management. There will be plenty of that in the future too so I would take my ball and go home.

Or she could just quiet quit. Keep it for the resume but not do anything. It's a bad moral lesson but that is how life works in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage what 18:58 said. Also, don't use dramatic language with her. She's not devastated - that's reserved for when a close relative dies. She's disappointed and a little confused.

+100
Don’t catastrophize and don’t feed into it. The disappointment is real, I’m sure.

But these are normal losses everyone in high school experiences! I remember my DC lost an election. These are routine things and great opportunities for learning.

DP - to teens, though, this kind of thing can be devastating because of how their brains are developing. The intensity of feelings are very real to them. To me, this is a both-and situation, as in, this kid feels devastated and also, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't the worst thing that could happen. Both are true. Telling people they don't feel something they feel is misguided at best and damaging at worst. It's possible to acknowledge the depth of someone's feelings and still not catastrophize. You want to keep lines of communication open, not shut them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the incoming president of one of honor societies. Her, the current officers (graduating seniors) and a teacher advisor reviewed all the applications. There's limited spots for rising seniors and there's only one rising junior spot. My DD gave all her recommendations based off of applications and what she knows about the work ethic of each, who cheats, who uses AI (one used for the entire app), etc. The advisor refused to accept my DD's top choice because she felt the top choice would be over extended as he's in other clubs (as is my DD). My DD went to bat for this boy because he's pretty much the top student in their grade on this subject, in addition to his passion for the subject. The advisor would not budge at all. The advisor wanted the one whose app was all AI due to factors that my DD did not agree with. My DD fought against that and they compromised on someone else.

Im sharing all of this to show the process is no where near perfect. It's very far from it. My DD explained to the one boy why he was not accepted because she felt he deserved to know because he was truly the most qualified. As a PP stated, this is similar to the corporate world. Your DD can ask for feedback or not. Quitting isn't the end of the world if she truly wants to. She should wait until she isn't as hurt by this to make her decision.

+1 this post is really really important to read. The people picking sometimes have a variety of different priorities and biases and there may have been literally nothing your kid could have done differently to have earned the spot. I see this when my husband is involved in hiring decisions at work and I experienced being snubbed like this in high school. Truthfully, that experience still bothers me, but I have the wisdom and life experience to know that it really wasn’t anything I did wrong even though at the time it felt very personal and like a failure on my part.

that's why you ask. in a positive constructive manner. It is fair to the daughter to know what happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough, but every time someone is chosen, someone else is generally not chosen. It’s not always fair.

She can ask for feedback — nothing wrong with that. I agree with waiting a bit until making a decision as to whether to continue with organization.

In this case literally one senior was left out. Why do that?

A similar thing happened to my daughter but on her travel basketball team. The 9-10 girls had been together for two to three years. Some additional girls had played more seasonally.
Then when they went to bump the team up a level, ran the usual tryouts and my daughter was the only one of two who didn't make it. They went with a returnee from two years ago and the daughter returnee of the family who got the big sponsorship.

My kid was so hurt and devastated, and this happened at a younger age, age 12. There weren't any other good teams around so her options were to play with the boys or this mumble jumble team of several grade levels that played OK.

They never told us any feedback about what happened, which was sad. We tried to be positive and ask what we needed to work on for tryouts next time, got no response. And it was one of the better run programs. But team picking is odd. You have parents pulling strings behind the scenes, you have the kids kissing butt to the coach, you have kids intra-competing and bullying each other. It was really eye opening for my 12 yo. She kept playing but gets upset when we talk about the goal of trying out for the team again this August.

I'm at a loss. maybe there is something more toxic going on that she is not telling me. Or she needs to buck up. The worst dynamic is the team group chats, she is still on one set of those so upset that some worse players are still on it but not her. Other parents commented that too to us. Then she got kicked off the main group chat since she's no longer with them for 6 mos. It's sad to watch but we try to minimize. She doesn't want anything to do with them. Yet will always run in to the girls at their various schools, and her own.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to my DD. At her school, it turned out the staff advisor to the club had control over the selection process and just didn't like my kid. The selection process was supposed to be a popular vote among the club members. If you wanted a leadership position, you applied for it, and sort of ran a mini campaign. There was no one running against my DD for the position, and when the advisor realized she would end up winning by default, she started campaigning to get someone else to run against my DD. Advisor was not slick, sent emails to students that were eventually forwarded to my DD by the other kids.

Eventually the advisor convinced another kid to run, and of course that other kid "won". It was already known among everyone at this point what the advisor had done, and so a few other club members (not my DD) asked to see the results (which apparently is allowed, or has been allowed in the past) but advisor refused.

My DD was very hurt and upset over what happened and my DH and I were as well. For a grown adult to artificially insert themselves into this high school drama, to manufacture club election results, is just insane. My DD stayed in the club, so she could put it on her college application as being a member for 4 years, but didn't do much her senior year and we didn't force her. Was a horrible life lesson that life isn't fair and that there will be people who are jerks you will have to interact with in life (at school, work, etc.).

[Anonymous]

OP, these things are always a popularity contest. Please remember that. Also, there are teachers who will punish the kid who doesn't suck up hard to them. Brown nosing culture is alive and well in our schools. I have the high school senior who didn't even want to try out for leadership last fall. Kid was fine to just show up and play their part. Help the new members, but not have a leadership title. Some teachers love this kid for their honesty and authenticity in knowing what they're about, but others do not. I find that the higher the teacher is on the narcissism scale, the more that teacher can expect students to suck up in return for leadership roles, parts, positions. Our kid up front said no thanks, I'm good at the beginning of the year and got punished for failing to apply for leadership roles they didn't want. Kid didn't quit the activity and still did it senior year to get it on their college applications, and good for them. Sometimes your kid can be a little too extra something (independent, authentic, opinionated, etc.) for the group leader. Just our experience, a different view.

[Anonymous]

We recently attended our college senior's departmental graduation. They singled out one student as being the best, by name. It wasn't our kid, it was someone else's kid. I'm fine with that, because I know deep down our kid is going to be amazing later. There's a new study in Science that finds the kids who tend to win at everything young do not tend to be the winners later on in life. Early adversity and going slower is very important to later success. Author David Epstein covers this in his new YouTube video "Why the Best Kids are Rarely the Best Adults". It's better to be a slow baker than a fast riser. Not getting picked will do your daughter more than being picked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ.

Why do you post this? If we're all such idiots, why not ignore it? We're pathetic, but the need to post that is not pathetic at all?? Is that accurate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

This advice is spot on. Parents should not be making inquiries whatsoever.

Nope, tell the organizer she sees this as unfair and she is quitting.
Then, put her energy into something more rewarding and productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, passing someone over like that without an explanation is an example of poor leadership.

This is what happened to my child. They want them to do all the work but not the status. The teacher doesn't connect to the less popular outgoing kids and isn't very approachable so they got overlooked. They will participate but it will be our lowest priority. If they miss, they miss which is more of an issue for the teacher/group than us. My kid is the only who can do what they do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is poor form for a high school activity. One kid shouldn't be left out. This isn't the real world.

GMAFB. If there are 4 leadership roles, and 5 seniors, they should create another "leadership" position for the fifth senior?

Yes, in our situation, the teacher created all the new leadership positions and left out two of our kids, who are the strongest in what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently attended our college senior's departmental graduation. They singled out one student as being the best, by name. It wasn't our kid, it was someone else's kid. I'm fine with that, because I know deep down our kid is going to be amazing later. There's a new study in Science that finds the kids who tend to win at everything young do not tend to be the winners later on in life. Early adversity and going slower is very important to later success. Author David Epstein covers this in his new YouTube video "Why the Best Kids are Rarely the Best Adults". It's better to be a slow baker than a fast riser. Not getting picked will do your daughter more than being picked.

I don't mean to minimize but that's a very different situation than OP's.

[Anonymous]

We know of a coach who had all but one senior as captains of a sports team. Six captains in total…way more than normal/necessary and such a shitty thing to do to the kid he excluded.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this could be a gift to your daughter. It's senior year and she will be plenty busy. She can keep this activity on her resume, participate at will, be active but not responsible for the heavy lifting. Reframe for her that this could be a win.

[Anonymous]

Some people are more resilient than others. My daughter is auditioning for paid jobs while in school in NYC. She was dismissed on the first cut at one audition. I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. It wasn’t that she wasn’t qualified it was simply she wasn’t what they were looking for. I don’t know if she’s tough enough for this, many aren’t, but she’ll figure it out.

I would guess your daughter is perfectly qualified for a leadership program but wasn’t chosen this time for whatever reason. The worst thing she could do is quit. This will happen occasionally throughout life, she will have successes and failures. She doesn’t want to be seen as a quitter.