Teen devastated over not getting picked...

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05/19/2026 10:36

Subject: Re:Teen devastated over not getting picked...

Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.

Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Some people are better followers than leaders. Both are valued and necessary parts of every organization. The best leaders have first learned to be good followers.

Oh please. This is some resume building organization that creates "leadership opportunities" so that everyone can claim leadership experience. To skip 1 senior is ridiculous. I'd tell my daughter to quit and look back. Some adult is settling a score or giving some kind of payback. This has nothing to do with skills and merit.