Teen devastated over not getting picked...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IF she stops doing the activity, she should white lie and say she's going to be busy. I think dropping the activity, and even just because she is hurt, is fine. But teach her to exit gracefully.

If she doesn't want to white lie, then have help her have something concrete lined up.

Why? Happened to my kid. They were given a really crummy position but they want to use my kid to do many other things. Nope, turned down the position and will do the absolute minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

[Anonymous]

I would let her leave the organization. They can be a top heavy group of all leaders with no followers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IF she stops doing the activity, she should white lie and say she's going to be busy. I think dropping the activity, and even just because she is hurt, is fine. But teach her to exit gracefully.

If she doesn't want to white lie, then have help her have something concrete lined up.

+1

There's no sugar coating this and the person knew what they were doing. There's no reason to continue and this is a massive life lesson. Burning bridges is a bad idea but so is accepting the snub. Exit gracefully.

[Anonymous]

My DD is the incoming president of one of honor societies. Her, the current officers (graduating seniors) and a teacher advisor reviewed all the applications. There's limited spots for rising seniors and there's only one rising junior spot. My DD gave all her recommendations based off of applications and what she knows about the work ethic of each, who cheats, who uses AI (one used for the entire app), etc. The advisor refused to accept my DD's top choice because she felt the top choice would be over extended as he's in other clubs (as is my DD). My DD went to bat for this boy because he's pretty much the top student in their grade on this subject, in addition to his passion for the subject. The advisor would not budge at all. The advisor wanted the one whose app was all AI due to factors that my DD did not agree with. My DD fought against that and they compromised on someone else.

Im sharing all of this to show the process is no where near perfect. It's very far from it. My DD explained to the one boy why he was not accepted because she felt he deserved to know because he was truly the most qualified. As a PP stated, this is similar to the corporate world. Your DD can ask for feedback or not. Quitting isn't the end of the world if she truly wants to. She should wait until she isn't as hurt by this to make her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the incoming president of one of honor societies. Her, the current officers (graduating seniors) and a teacher advisor reviewed all the applications. There's limited spots for rising seniors and there's only one rising junior spot. My DD gave all her recommendations based off of applications and what she knows about the work ethic of each, who cheats, who uses AI (one used for the entire app), etc. The advisor refused to accept my DD's top choice because she felt the top choice would be over extended as he's in other clubs (as is my DD). My DD went to bat for this boy because he's pretty much the top student in their grade on this subject, in addition to his passion for the subject. The advisor would not budge at all. The advisor wanted the one whose app was all AI due to factors that my DD did not agree with. My DD fought against that and they compromised on someone else.

Im sharing all of this to show the process is no where near perfect. It's very far from it. My DD explained to the one boy why he was not accepted because she felt he deserved to know because he was truly the most qualified. As a PP stated, this is similar to the corporate world. Your DD can ask for feedback or not. Quitting isn't the end of the world if she truly wants to. She should wait until she isn't as hurt by this to make her decision.

+1 this post is really really important to read. The people picking sometimes have a variety of different priorities and biases and there may have been literally nothing your kid could have done differently to have earned the spot. I see this when my husband is involved in hiring decisions at work and I experienced being snubbed like this in high school. Truthfully, that experience still bothers me, but I have the wisdom and life experience to know that it really wasn’t anything I did wrong even though at the time it felt very personal and like a failure on my part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the incoming president of one of honor societies. Her, the current officers (graduating seniors) and a teacher advisor reviewed all the applications. There's limited spots for rising seniors and there's only one rising junior spot. My DD gave all her recommendations based off of applications and what she knows about the work ethic of each, who cheats, who uses AI (one used for the entire app), etc. The advisor refused to accept my DD's top choice because she felt the top choice would be over extended as he's in other clubs (as is my DD). My DD went to bat for this boy because he's pretty much the top student in their grade on this subject, in addition to his passion for the subject. The advisor would not budge at all. The advisor wanted the one whose app was all AI due to factors that my DD did not agree with. My DD fought against that and they compromised on someone else.

Im sharing all of this to show the process is no where near perfect. It's very far from it. My DD explained to the one boy why he was not accepted because she felt he deserved to know because he was truly the most qualified. As a PP stated, this is similar to the corporate world. Your DD can ask for feedback or not. Quitting isn't the end of the world if she truly wants to. She should wait until she isn't as hurt by this to make her decision.

+1 this post is really really important to read. The people picking sometimes have a variety of different priorities and biases and there may have been literally nothing your kid could have done differently to have earned the spot. I see this when my husband is involved in hiring decisions at work and I experienced being snubbed like this in high school. Truthfully, that experience still bothers me, but I have the wisdom and life experience to know that it really wasn’t anything I did wrong even though at the time it felt very personal and like a failure on my part.

Wise words, both of you.

[Anonymous]

"I am sorry. You will be ok though. You could ask X about why that decision was made and perhaps learn from it but don't take it personally. You will have many leadership opportunities in the future."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your child given any new position and are you sure that what they have is less "important" than what they wanted? I say this because sometimes the hot positions are not actually the ones where you learn the most, or the ones where you control the most stuff (very important).

If it's a real snub, then your kid might not have the gumption, but they should really ask why they were not given a leadership role. It will prepare them well for the workforce, where the goal is to watch your supervisor squirm after you've very respectfully asked your question. Not because the decision is going to be reversed, but because watching the supervisor squirm and lie is a EXCELLENT learning opportunity.

100% this. When the real answer is because you are not an approachable bro.

[Anonymous]

There is a movement from giving leadership position to people just because they are a senior. There is also a popularity aspect. Navigating politics is important. Sometimes these roles are given to people so those people get a chance to find their footing.
All this is to say it stinks and it could be for many reasons. Nothing should be guaranteed

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't participate, why frame it "as quitting"? It's a preference. Your DC is entitled to a preference. A preference for how she spends her time.

[Anonymous]

I think she should have some cooing off time, I mean does she need to decide today? or even in a month?

My DD's summer was interrupted to find out something similar, and she was passed over for a few other things, followed by a rough season of deferrals and waitlists. Senior year wasn't as fun as it should have been.

I hated that she had to learn that life wasn't always fair so young. I find that some teachers really just have favorites and let those kids pick their crew to be on the leadership with them. Obviously there were times like during application season where that wasn't the case. But people are "human" and they do what they want.

Let her cool off. But sorry. It is hard to watch all your friends get something you really want and see them excited. I hope she finds something that makes her happy.

[Anonymous]

It stinks, but it’s an opportunity for her to evaluate her priorities in light of their priorities. If this is something that she enjoys and wants to put more of her time and effort into, then so be it. But if she has other interests, this might be the nudge to start focusing on those things and reaping rewards from those.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her to hang in there until her college applications are in. She can spin her current involvement in her favor.