Teen devastated over not getting picked...

[Anonymous]

I have an anecdote that may not be comforting, but it may help you figure out how to handle your daughter’s emotions.

My daughter and the daughter of a good friend of mine both applied for leadership roles for this one group. My dd was up for a different role so they were not in competition. My DD mentioned to me that the other girl just didn’t seem into it—was on her phone/had earbuds in a lot during the meetings leading up to the elections. She was acting like a typical HS kid, but she didn’t have the maturity yet to know that you have to put your best foot forward to show up for a leadership role. She’s a hard worker in classes and a good kid, so if she hadn’t gotten elected, I know her mom would have had no idea why she didn’t get it.

All that to say—your dd is probably great, but there may have been a reason she wasn’t chosen. One that you weren’t there to see. So instead of feeling sorry for her or letting her quit because she is sad/embarrassed/angry, talk to her about what leadership means. Talk about how to bounce back from disappointment. How to learn from the past.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in making them feel better instead of focusing on helping them develop the resilience they will need for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was your child given any new position and are you sure that what they have is less "important" than what they wanted? I say this because sometimes the hot positions are not actually the ones where you learn the most, or the ones where you control the most stuff (very important).

If it's a real snub, then your kid might not have the gumption, but they should really ask why they were not given a leadership role. It will prepare them well for the workforce, where the goal is to watch your supervisor squirm after you've very respectfully asked your question. Not because the decision is going to be reversed, but because watching the supervisor squirm and lie is a EXCELLENT learning opportunity.

100% this. When the real answer is because you are not an approachable bro.

Sour grapes. Of course if you aren’t approaching and likeable, you won’t get picked for leadership. So just put your head down and do your work, or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

[Anonymous]

She should ask for feedback herself.

I dont think its a popularity contest and tenure should not result in instant promotion. The most qualified or talented should get the opportunity. Her goal should be to either become the most talented or qualified or move on knowing she doesnt have what it takes. The feedback should help if its honest. Many people wont gove honest feedback though.

Everything is not for everyone. Just because i'm interested doesn't mean i'm good at a task. I'm interested in basketball that doesnt mean I deserve to be chosen for the NBA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should ask for feedback herself.

I dont think its a popularity contest and tenure should not result in instant promotion. The most qualified or talented should get the opportunity. Her goal should be to either become the most talented or qualified or move on knowing she doesnt have what it takes. The feedback should help if its honest. Many people wont gove honest feedback though.

Everything is not for everyone. Just because i'm interested doesn't mean i'm good at a task. I'm interested in basketball that doesnt mean I deserve to be chosen for the NBA.

We're talking about high schoolers. They are all minimally talented and qualified. These things are always rigged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Exactly. If they valued her they would have let her know why already. Her reaction to the news is both obvious and extremely normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Some people are better followers than leaders. Both are valued and necessary parts of every organization. The best leaders have first learned to be good followers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

This

[Anonymous]

I think this is poor form for a high school activity. One kid shouldn't be left out. This isn't the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Some people are better followers than leaders. Both are valued and necessary parts of every organization. The best leaders have first learned to be good followers.

This is hilarious that you think this. I am really curious if you work, and if you do in what field.

Often leaders have had connections to tap them to become leaders. They didn’t have to be followers and if they were they could slack off and still be lifted up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Some people are better followers than leaders. Both are valued and necessary parts of every organization. The best leaders have first learned to be good followers.

This is hilarious that you think this. I am really curious if you work, and if you do in what field.

Often leaders have had connections to tap them to become leaders. They didn’t have to be followers and if they were they could slack off and still be lifted up.

Everyone can't be a leader. I agree with this statement. I don’t think most leaders at many organizations are connected. I do acknowledge nepotism does exist. But most times leaders are people who have talent and was recognized. If telling yourself leaders are connected makes you feel better that's fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a life lesson. Not getting promoted after years of working at Company X. Not being a starter on Team Z even though you've beeen there for years.


Tell her to go talk to whoever made the decisions and ask what she could have improved on in her role at that organization to have been selected for a leadership role. Have her tell them she wants to improve and would appreicate if they don't sugarcoat it so she can learn.

I would not confront anyone about it. They aren’t going to be entirely candid anyhow. Is this something a teacher picked, or a coach, or other members voted on? Someone had to be “the only one not picked” and it’s just sad when it happens to be your own child. I wouldn’t think it’s personal or a snub. She wouldn’t want a position just bc of the fact she is a senior, she would want it because she the best suited for it.

I think I would just talk up how you don’t need to a title to contribute (or be recognized) in a meaningful way.

I think just moving on and saying "you don't need a title to contribute or be recognized" is just running away from a deep deep wound, saying "Oh you don't need to address that even though it's bleeding and oozing, just keep going". Nope, that's not a winning strategy or what I'd want my DD to take away from a situation like this. I'd do what others said and encourage her to ask for feedback, or ask what went into the decision so she knows for any similiar future situations. It's super important not to go in angry or complaining. The most powerful, boss way to handle it is to just ask why as an opportunity to learn, and see what happens from there. And it doesn't leave her DD feeling like she had this awful thing happen and no idea why, although I agree that asking doesn't mean she'll get the real reason - she might, or she might not. But she will have faced the decision maker and asked why she wasn't picked and everyone else was, and what the criteria were, and so she'll know she at least asked for clarity on that and can make what she will of whatever the answer is.

It’s not running away from anything. They likely didn’t pick her due to something about herself, personality, etc. that is just inherently how she is, and nothing she is doing wrong or can change. If there was an obvious and “fixable” reason she wasn’t picked, she would know it. She isn’t going to get the constructive feedback you think from trying to confront the leader about this and is also awkward and comes across as questioning someone’s judgement, no matter how you spin it as a learning opportunity. Which is why it’s better to just accept it, know that participating in an organization for years doesn’t automatically grant you preference or superiority for any position, but that you don’t need a title or position to be a meaningful member. She now has to decide if she is going to choose to participate and support those that are leaders, or drop and move on to something else.

Or more likely favorites were picked and it was highly subjective. Not that she sucked. This is how life works. But that doesn't mean she has to just take it. She should go and spend more time with organizations that value her more.

You don’t need to be in a leadership role to be valued. Simply not being picked does not mean they don’t value her, it means she wasn’t the best suited for that particular role for whatever reason, which is likely a subjective reason. So just move on. Stay or leave, but don’t ruminate about it.

If you're passed over they clearly don't value you. I'm not going to put in a bunch of time and effort to people who treat me like that.

Some people are better followers than leaders. Both are valued and necessary parts of every organization. The best leaders have first learned to be good followers.

This is hilarious that you think this. I am really curious if you work, and if you do in what field.

Often leaders have had connections to tap them to become leaders. They didn’t have to be followers and if they were they could slack off and still be lifted up.

Everyone can't be a leader. I agree with this statement. I don’t think most leaders at many organizations are connected. I do acknowledge nepotism does exist. But most times leaders are people who have talent and was recognized. If telling yourself leaders are connected makes you feel better that's fine too.

But this is High School. It's pretend leadership and supposed to be a learning opportunity.

The most prominent trait of people in real life leadership positions is the gift of self-promotion.