AITA? Grandparent gifting edition

[Anonymous]

If grandma is in the habit of always asking, this is a brilliant request by OP once she has asked. There are so many threads on here where people advise grandparents who like to give junk to give experiences- like a zoo membership, etc. This is no different! But I agree with PP-- after that response let her figure it out her own damn self from now on. I too am tired of being the "gift idea person" and I would be peeved if someone reacted like that to an IDEA.

[Anonymous]

We tried this a few times with our two sets of grandparents and it worked differently because we have better communication with grandparents. I see nothing wrong with asking for money.
-We asked for a zoo or bounce house membership instead of toys. Grandparents weren't offended, but said "no. We only want to give toys that we can see be unwrapped."
-We sent a school fundraiser for a trip that the class was making to both grandparents. They weren't offended that I hadn't just paid for the whole trip myself. Both sets gave $20 or $50 and didn't complain or whine that I asked for money. My kid noticed though and was grateful and thanked both.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

That's probably for the best since responding to a question about what they would like is too burdensome. You tried to head it off with a money grab which was even worse and now you just don't want to play anymore. That's a lot of drama instead of just admitting you were wrong and not doing it again. Do you teach your children to respond in this way or do you want them to learn from mistakes and move on?

I’m not the OP, but it sounds like she’s moving on and not causing drama at all.

In general I do agree that it’s best for each half of the couple to manage their family relationships themselves. It lessens the mental load on the wife and avoids this type of miscommunication.

Not exactly, she's taking her ball and going home because she's so put out. I guess that's one way of "moving on" but not the least dramatic way. She doesn't need to exit with a flounce here.

How did you come up with that insanity?

She simply said she’s going to have her husband handle gift conversations with his mom from now on. That’s it.

She’s not going to stop inviting grandma to the kids sports games or exclude her from Easter dinner. Life is going to go on as normal.

It should have always been like this.

[Anonymous]

Even if grandma thought this was tacky (and there are plenty of families where this isn’t tacky at all), I think it is weird she complained about it to your husband. I’m surprised she didn’t just pivot to “that trip sounds amazing, but I think I would like to get them something for the trip that they can unwrap. Do they need a new backpack? Or some fun stuff for the plane ride?” Or pivot to, “you know what I will go by the bank and get some euros for their spending money to give them.”

I don’t think you did anything wrong here. I think grandma seems persnickety. But, given your long time relationship, I hope you can both extend grace to one another and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if grandma thought this was tacky (and there are plenty of families where this isn’t tacky at all), I think it is weird she complained about it to your husband. I’m surprised she didn’t just pivot to “that trip sounds amazing, but I think I would like to get them something for the trip that they can unwrap. Do they need a new backpack? Or some fun stuff for the plane ride?” Or pivot to, “you know what I will go by the bank and get some euros for their spending money to give them.”

I don’t think you did anything wrong here. I think grandma seems persnickety. But, given your long time relationship, I hope you can both extend grace to one another and move on.

Lol of course you can’t find fault with op.

[Anonymous]

OP again, the intention really wasn't that deep as far as asking for money for myself. I was caught in the moment after going to a school meeting regarding the trip and was excited about it, which was when the suggestion was dropped. I can see now where it could be seen as such, though. But there's not much I can do now other than apologize and never bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, the intention really wasn't that deep as far as asking for money for myself. I was caught in the moment after going to a school meeting regarding the trip and was excited about it, which was when the suggestion was dropped. I can see now where it could be seen as such, though. But there's not much I can do now other than apologize and never bring it up again.

OP, I'm honestly baffled by the commenters. If my brother had made a similar comment about a trip for one of my nephews this wouldn't have bothered me at all.

And I think the take that "this was a gift for you" is a bit ridiculous.

Are people really this walking around on eggshells around their families? It's super weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, the intention really wasn't that deep as far as asking for money for myself. I was caught in the moment after going to a school meeting regarding the trip and was excited about it, which was when the suggestion was dropped. I can see now where it could be seen as such, though. But there's not much I can do now other than apologize and never bring it up again.

OP, I'm honestly baffled by the commenters. If my brother had made a similar comment about a trip for one of my nephews this wouldn't have bothered me at all.

And I think the take that "this was a gift for you" is a bit ridiculous.

Are people really this walking around on eggshells around their families? It's super weird.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, the intention really wasn't that deep as far as asking for money for myself. I was caught in the moment after going to a school meeting regarding the trip and was excited about it, which was when the suggestion was dropped. I can see now where it could be seen as such, though. But there's not much I can do now other than apologize and never bring it up again.

OP, I'm honestly baffled by the commenters. If my brother had made a similar comment about a trip for one of my nephews this wouldn't have bothered me at all.

And I think the take that "this was a gift for you" is a bit ridiculous.

Are people really this walking around on eggshells around their families? It's super weird.

OP already told the daughter she could go. Why now is she making this her "gift from Grandma"? If money was that tight she should have told the daughter no in the first place or asked the grandparents up front for financial support to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s tacky at all. I think your son should be thankful if a grandparent helped pay for an amazing trip, and I think you should absolutely be able to ask for that for a gift. Giving a child a memorable trip is a great gift and as long as you gave her credit to your child, I think it’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s tacky at all. I think your son should be thankful if a grandparent helped pay for an amazing trip, and I think you should absolutely be able to ask for that for a gift. Giving a child a memorable trip is a great gift and as long as you gave her credit to your child, I think it’s great.

OP already told the DD she was going. And now decided it would be nice if Grandma paid OP back for part of it. Weird. Happy Birthday, I guess.

[Anonymous]

After I was about 8 my grandparents quit giving me toys and put money in my college fund instead. Was that a gift to my parents? I guess. Was it exciting for a child/teen? Not Al all. Did I still love my grandparents and am I grateful to them to this day? Definitely.

[Anonymous]

OP update - apology was accepted, and all is well again. I appreciate all of you shedding a different light on this that helped me see the other side of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update - apology was accepted, and all is well again. I appreciate all of you shedding a different light on this that helped me see the other side of it.

That's great! Try not to let it change your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your MIL. We have done similar - suggested a contribution to an activity in lieu of a physical gift, just because my kids have enough stuff! My MIL has never been offended or felt that it was tacky at all. But generally, my husband talks to his mom about gift ideas for our kids (after talking to me first because he is bad at coming up with gift ideas, lol). Maybe your MIL would have reacted differently if it had been her son making the suggestion?