AITA? Grandparent gifting edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

If she didn't ask then yeah, you were out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I guess perhaps it was tacky, looking back. We will be paying for the trip but part of the stuff from the travel company includes a social media donation link to put out to family members who might want to donate. MIL does not have social media, so I outright asked.

Just because social media made this more common doesn’t mean it’s polite. You can’t ask MIL to crowd fund your bills.

Maybe ask for money for souvenirs, comfy sandals, a new bathing suit/sunglasses, whatever for the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I guess perhaps it was tacky, looking back. We will be paying for the trip but part of the stuff from the travel company includes a social media donation link to put out to family members who might want to donate. MIL does not have social media, so I outright asked.

Just because social media made this more common doesn’t mean it’s polite. You can’t ask MIL to crowd fund your bills.

Maybe ask for money for souvenirs, comfy sandals, a new bathing suit/sunglasses, whatever for the trip.

This. It really was tacky to ask, unprompted, for money for your bills. It doesn't matter how much money your MIL has. Did you talk to your husband before you hit up his mom for a donation?

[Anonymous]

Alright, thanks for the replies, lesson learned and apologies made. Life goes so fast it's hard to think before acting sometimes. I won't make that mistake again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright, thanks for the replies, lesson learned and apologies made. Life goes so fast it's hard to think before acting sometimes. I won't make that mistake again!

I really respect you for taking in the responses here and being gracious about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I guess perhaps it was tacky, looking back. We will be paying for the trip but part of the stuff from the travel company includes a social media donation link to put out to family members who might want to donate. MIL does not have social media, so I outright asked.

It’s tacky to ask others to pay. If you cannot afford it say no.

[Anonymous]

I think it would have been better to suggest spending money for the teen to take on the trip. IF/WHEN she asked for ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright, thanks for the replies, lesson learned and apologies made. Life goes so fast it's hard to think before acting sometimes. I won't make that mistake again!

I really respect you for taking in the responses here and being gracious about it!

+1

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses seem kind of harsh. My question to the OP is what price range does Grandma typically gift? Does she spend a few hundred $$ or $50? OP wasn’t requesting that Grandma spend more. In any case, I would apologize for offending her and tell her that wasn’t your intention.

[Anonymous]

It seems wild to me that telling a grandparent they can contribute to a kid's school trip is seen as tacky. That seems like a totally normal interaction.

And even if you didn't like that, who gets that huffy over a basic immediate family interaction such that they call a third party. Why is this relationship being treated like some kind of elaborate dance.

This stuff makes me appreciate my in laws so much more. We talk to each other like human beings who like each other. If my MIL was uncomfortable with a request like that, she'd just say it to me directly.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
You’re tacky for asking for money.

[Anonymous]

IMO it is not tacky depending on your relationship.

My son wants to go on an expensive trip. We can pay in full for it, but it’s a lot of money that we don’t usually spend on one kid for one week. My mom would be thrilled to contribute to an experience like this, so much more than buying him a thing he may not end up using just so it can be wrapped and unwrapped.

So unless my son knows exactly what else he wants (he usually says I don’t know) then we will suggest she contributes to the trip. For her it would be a joy. For others tacky. Know your audience, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses seem kind of harsh. My question to the OP is what price range does Grandma typically gift? Does she spend a few hundred $$ or $50? OP wasn’t requesting that Grandma spend more. In any case, I would apologize for offending her and tell her that wasn’t your intention.

Usually around $100, which is wonderful! And you're correct in saying that I wasn't asking her to spend more. My own family would be delighted to help with something like this, but cannot. And I hope that if I ever become a grandparent, I am able to pitch in for enriching experiences.

Again, I now understand why this can be seen as tacky. Kind of embarrasing. But in my family it wouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!