AITA? Grandparent gifting edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

MIL did not ask for a suggestion. OP preemptively offered it. And it wasn't for the kid, because OP and spouse already planned to pay for that. I have an excellent, warm relationship with my parents and I wouldn't ask them to help us pay for a kid's school trip. I might suggest $ to the kid for souvenirs or something like that. Not hitting your parents up to pay your bills doesnt mean you have a distant and strained relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

That's probably for the best since responding to a question about what they would like is too burdensome. You tried to head it off with a money grab which was even worse and now you just don't want to play anymore. That's a lot of drama instead of just admitting you were wrong and not doing it again. Do you teach your children to respond in this way or do you want them to learn from mistakes and move on?

I’m not the OP, but it sounds like she’s moving on and not causing drama at all.

In general I do agree that it’s best for each half of the couple to manage their family relationships themselves. It lessens the mental load on the wife and avoids this type of miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a grandparent, this forum just exhausts me. People just need to communicate better. It’s not that hard. OP, you did nothing wrong with the exception of your possible communication. Your MIL is also wrong for complaining.

Thank you! -DP
Gifts are so fraught with both sets of grandparents. They do NOT want to give cash in any form. They also don’t want to spend more than $40 or so. And most importantly they want the kids to be completely thrilled with the gift and bubbling over with enthusiasm. What on earth am I supposed to suggest twice a year for two sets of grandparents? It’s impossible. And they all have plenty of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

It's not a gift for the daughter, it's a "gift" for the parent. Just give the granddaughter spending money. It's all a wash in the end b/c that's money now they parents don't have to give her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

That's probably for the best since responding to a question about what they would like is too burdensome. You tried to head it off with a money grab which was even worse and now you just don't want to play anymore. That's a lot of drama instead of just admitting you were wrong and not doing it again. Do you teach your children to respond in this way or do you want them to learn from mistakes and move on?

I’m not the OP, but it sounds like she’s moving on and not causing drama at all.

In general I do agree that it’s best for each half of the couple to manage their family relationships themselves. It lessens the mental load on the wife and avoids this type of miscommunication.

Not exactly, she's taking her ball and going home because she's so put out. I guess that's one way of "moving on" but not the least dramatic way. She doesn't need to exit with a flounce here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

You’re not getting it. Her gift would be what 5% of the total. Are you going to say the trip is from you AND grandma? Would you have a party where she would be acknowledged? Otherwise her contribution isn’t really seen as a gift. His gift becomes really a gift to you. I understand you shouldn’t give gifts to be acknowledged, but that’s hard to do for a teen you care about. It sounds like she is thoughtful about gifting, so maybe just see it from her perspective. What teen only wants a school trip for his birthday?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

MIL did not ask for a suggestion. OP preemptively offered it. And it wasn't for the kid, because OP and spouse already planned to pay for that. I have an excellent, warm relationship with my parents and I wouldn't ask them to help us pay for a kid's school trip. I might suggest $ to the kid for souvenirs or something like that. Not hitting your parents up to pay your bills doesnt mean you have a distant and strained relationship.

It doesn’t matter. OP already updated and is going to apologize.

[Anonymous]

You responded to an inquiry. There’s nothing tacky about that. If MIL doesn’t like the answer, she doesn’t have to fulfill the idea, but running to DH was a ridiculous move, and I’d be good and done with her.

She thinks OP is tacky and greedy? Wow, OK. I’m sure OP has done a lot for MIL over the years, and if this is how MIL treats her, OP can be done with MIL and leave her entirely to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You responded to an inquiry. There’s nothing tacky about that. If MIL doesn’t like the answer, she doesn’t have to fulfill the idea, but running to DH was a ridiculous move, and I’d be good and done with her.

She thinks OP is tacky and greedy? Wow, OK. I’m sure OP has done a lot for MIL over the years, and if this is how MIL treats her, OP can be done with MIL and leave her entirely to DH.

What was the inquiry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

You’re not getting it. Her gift would be what 5% of the total. Are you going to say the trip is from you AND grandma? Would you have a party where she would be acknowledged? Otherwise her contribution isn’t really seen as a gift. His gift becomes really a gift to you. I understand you shouldn’t give gifts to be acknowledged, but that’s hard to do for a teen you care about. It sounds like she is thoughtful about gifting, so maybe just see it from her perspective. What teen only wants a school trip for his birthday?!

I mean "grandma has given you $X so you can buy a fun souvenir from your trip" is a very reasonable gift.

My grandad shortly before he died sent me like $20 for my birthday when I was six, my mom took me out to pick something and the toy bear I bought with it was known as "the bear granddad gave you".

[Anonymous]

It's important to remember that this was a gift SUGGESTION and not a COMMAND. I'd think most adults would be able to tell the difference and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

You’re not getting it. Her gift would be what 5% of the total. Are you going to say the trip is from you AND grandma? Would you have a party where she would be acknowledged? Otherwise her contribution isn’t really seen as a gift. His gift becomes really a gift to you. I understand you shouldn’t give gifts to be acknowledged, but that’s hard to do for a teen you care about. It sounds like she is thoughtful about gifting, so maybe just see it from her perspective. What teen only wants a school trip for his birthday?!

I mean "grandma has given you $X so you can buy a fun souvenir from your trip" is a very reasonable gift.

My grandad shortly before he died sent me like $20 for my birthday when I was six, my mom took me out to pick something and the toy bear I bought with it was known as "the bear granddad gave you".

That’s not the scenario. OP wanted the money to go to cost of trip, not spending $$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that this was a gift SUGGESTION and not a COMMAND. I'd think most adults would be able to tell the difference and act accordingly.

C’mon. I would wonder why I was being asked to pay for a trip. Should I worry they’re low on cash? She was out on the spot, since she didn’t ask.

OP’s ask isn’t the end of the world, but give this woman a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

You’re not getting it. Her gift would be what 5% of the total. Are you going to say the trip is from you AND grandma? Would you have a party where she would be acknowledged? Otherwise her contribution isn’t really seen as a gift. His gift becomes really a gift to you. I understand you shouldn’t give gifts to be acknowledged, but that’s hard to do for a teen you care about. It sounds like she is thoughtful about gifting, so maybe just see it from her perspective. What teen only wants a school trip for his birthday?!

I mean "grandma has given you $X so you can buy a fun souvenir from your trip" is a very reasonable gift.

My grandad shortly before he died sent me like $20 for my birthday when I was six, my mom took me out to pick something and the toy bear I bought with it was known as "the bear granddad gave you".

This scenario is bizarre. Grandma sends money directly to OP for this daughter's gift and then daughter is told about it after the fact? Great gift.

[Anonymous]

MIL is probably wondering why OP wants to take over the granddaughter's gift with money for herself. Maybe OP can ask for money for her next birthday if she's low on funds.