AITA? Grandparent gifting edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a grandparent, this forum just exhausts me. People just need to communicate better. It’s not that hard. OP, you did nothing wrong with the exception of your possible communication. Your MIL is also wrong for complaining.

+1.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s tacky, but I come from an Asian culture where this is common.

Sounds like it’s time for your husband to take over gift suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses seem kind of harsh. My question to the OP is what price range does Grandma typically gift? Does she spend a few hundred $$ or $50? OP wasn’t requesting that Grandma spend more. In any case, I would apologize for offending her and tell her that wasn’t your intention.

Usually around $100, which is wonderful! And you're correct in saying that I wasn't asking her to spend more. My own family would be delighted to help with something like this, but cannot. And I hope that if I ever become a grandparent, I am able to pitch in for enriching experiences.

Again, I now understand why this can be seen as tacky. Kind of embarrasing. But in my family it wouldn't be.

I'm not a grandparent but I am an aunt and godmother and asking to help out with a school trip wouldn't phase me at all. We didn't have money for this kind of thing when I was a kid and I would be happy to avoid that feeling for a kid I loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

That's probably for the best since responding to a question about what they would like is too burdensome. You tried to head it off with a money grab which was even worse and now you just don't want to play anymore. That's a lot of drama instead of just admitting you were wrong and not doing it again. Do you teach your children to respond in this way or do you want them to learn from mistakes and move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids have done overseas trips both sets of grandparents very happily sent spending $$ in euros for bday gifts. Maybe this is different bc the trip itself was already paid for? Kids were very happy to have the spending $$

The trip is not yet paid for, of course we will cover it. At the time it just didn't seem weird to ask and I didn't even think to ask about spending money. But I feel like MIL could have reframed it that way herself if it was offensive. In any case, not worried about any of it because I will no longer suggest gifts, even when asked!

What a weird reaction. Your MIL was a bit offended because you hit her up for money for yourself out of the blue, so you will now refuse to offer suggestions for gifts for your kids when asked?

Yes, as apparently it's a minefield topic. I'm not going to get involved any longer to avoid whatever misunderstandings from either party. DH can handle it

That's probably for the best since responding to a question about what they would like is too burdensome. You tried to head it off with a money grab which was even worse and now you just don't want to play anymore. That's a lot of drama instead of just admitting you were wrong and not doing it again. Do you teach your children to respond in this way or do you want them to learn from mistakes and move on?

I'll honestly have to cool off and think about it. It'd hard to give a thoughtful answer right now as I really didn't see it as being greedy until posting here. But that's why I did, because I need different human perspectives. It honestly was not my intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

[Anonymous]

No, I would never have preemptively suggested cash. My MIL gave my DS sending $$ when he went on a trip like that, but it absolutely would have been “lost” to contribute to the trip. Sending social media asks is not something I’d ever do. I can afford it or not.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don’t think it was wrong for MIL to bring it up with DH. Aren’t they supposed to deal with sons?

[Anonymous]

So you’re going to freeze her out because you made a mistake? Unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Grandma didn't ask, that's the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don’t think it was wrong for MIL to bring it up with DH. Aren’t they supposed to deal with sons?

OP doesn't want her DH to communicate with his own mom, clearly. Does he police her conversations with her mom? How much did OP get her mom to contribute towards this trip? I can't believe this $100 was worth asking about anyway. A drop in the bucket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask for ideas and that was your suggestion? Or did you anticipate that she would ask and offered up the idea sort of out of the blue? I'm assuming the former. Yeah, it was reasonable of you to offer a suggestion since she asked but I probably wouldn't have posed it as helping you and your husband pay for the trip. I would have suggested spending money for the trip for souvenirs. But your MIL is a real pill for being such a touchy jerk about it. She complained to your husband knowing it would get back to you. She's a coward who can't address things head on. I'd start freezing her out. If you traditionally handle things like visits, gift buying, card sending, stop.

It was more anticipation that she would be asking, because she always does. But anyway, I agree with your thoughts on this and will start backing away from here on.

What does your husband think? You could always just say, "Hey, I'm sorry if my birthday suggestion for Larlo was off-putting. I didn't intend to offend you."

I'm sure that will make her feel like a complete idiot and maybe make her mad for a while, but at least it will clear the air. Or your husband can try and smooth things over. I feel like this doesn't have to blow up if your relationship has been fine up until now.

I read your update. I think this is the right way to go about it although I don’t believe it was tacky. It’s wild to me to read these forums and see how distant and strained some of your relationships are between family members that when somebody asks for a birthday suggestion, you can’t be honest and ask for cash for a trip.

Thank you. In my mind, if the shoe were on the other foot, if I'm buying a gift no matter what as in a grandchild's birthday, I'd be so happy to gift something that is needed and I personally love being guided in that way. As does my family; that's always how it was done.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop thinking you should be passive in the future. You should take some responsibility here. However, a teenager should be able to tell grandma what s/he wants. Tell her to text him.