Teen used my credit card w/o permission. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have big issues here that go beyond the money although that is big. Secrecy is a big thing in your family, it is clear. You want to keep this entire thing from her dad. She secretly communicates with you when with her dad. Of course she feels ok being secretive and sneaky- this has been normalized for her. I disagree with the person who said she was trying to get caught by spending so much. She likely just figured out (correctly) that you weren’t noticing and kept doing it. So while it is a LOT of money, part of the issue is how like you let it go on by not noticing. In other words, she didn’t spend $2k at once which would be egregious. She spent $2k over a period in which you weren’t paying attention and she assumed you didn’t notice or care and it added up.

I think all your ideas to address this are too delayed, insufficient, focused on maintaining comfort for both of you, and continue to uphold the pattern of secrecy in your family so I can’t advise you there as I know you won’t take suggestions.

OP here. You are 100% correct, which is why I am so very thankful for posters here who have understood the nuances of the situation and looked beyond punishments for stealing to provide insightful recommendations on next steps.

You are lucky if you had the luxury of growing up with two safe parents.

So, as I said, you have bigger issues than just stealing money for phone apps. You need to be thinking bigger than phone controls. You have a family culture of secrecy and dishonesty and a parent you deem “unsafe” but who has enough custody that she has a room at his house. If she doesn’t have a therapist already, consider one because what you’re all doing is not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.

Yikes. Parenting fail on my part.
I will definitely take the phone to Apple store. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that you didn't notice the spend and the sibling had to rat her out?

Time period was under 2.5 weeks. The only notifications I routinely get on that card are for international transactions and purchases over $500.

- Amazon charges based on individual shipments, not orders, so none of the shipment charges were flagged (all under $250) and only showed as "Amazon.com" on the statement.
- App store purchases are similar in that they were small dollar amounts and only show as "Apple Digital Services," exactly the same as my own apple subscriptions.

She is either very smart/cunning or got lucky by choosing things that would fly under my radar.

OP, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. This is a super challenging aspect of parenting I feel ill prepared for and often question if I know what I am doing. I found all the monitoring, settings, searching their devices quite confusing and a big burden. Hopefully our kids will be able to do this with more ease for theirs since they grew up with it.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? I’d come down hard.

My initial thoughts are:

Everything she purchased would be immediately confiscated.

She would have to reimburse you for anything that couldn’t be returned, along with a fine for your trouble.

She should research and write a report for you on the legal penalties for theft/fraud.

She is withdrawn from the class that she exploited by appropriating and misusing your card.

She is immediately grounded, loses phone privileges, and any computer access will be subject to monitoring, along with any other limitations on freedom/privacy that you deem necessary. Basically she has proven she cannot be trusted and requires close supervision until she has regained your trust, which will be neither quick nor easy.

Consider having a new card issued with a new number and do NOT give her access. If something needs to be paid for, she’ll have to ask you to complete the transaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.

Yikes. Parenting fail on my part.
I will definitely take the phone to Apple store. Thank you.

No worries, and it’s a lot to keep up with. One of mine had a lot of device/online issues and would switch SIM cards. If daughter has a 14 or newer they use e-SIM cards. I would ask them to educate you about those when DD is not around. I think it’s best to keep most things out in the open, but if she’s going to the extreme of maintaining a different number you don’t want her to know that you are watching.

I still think there is a deeper issue here and hope that you can get a therapist involved ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.

Yikes. Parenting fail on my part.
I will definitely take the phone to Apple store. Thank you.

No worries, and it’s a lot to keep up with. One of mine had a lot of device/online issues and would switch SIM cards. If daughter has a 14 or newer they use e-SIM cards. I would ask them to educate you about those when DD is not around. I think it’s best to keep most things out in the open, but if she’s going to the extreme of maintaining a different number you don’t want her to know that you are watching.

I still think there is a deeper issue here and hope that you can get a therapist involved ASAP

Will enabling “esim protection” through the cell service provider prevent this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

2.5 weeks

2k over 2.5 weeks and you didn’t notice deliveries? Yeah, right!!

[Anonymous]

Could she be bipolar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

2.5 weeks

2k over 2.5 weeks and you didn’t notice deliveries? Yeah, right!!

This does sound fake as you'd notice all the trash, packaging and new stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Do you suspect she is also cheating in school? What is she using chatGPT+ for and a study app? If they aren’t nefarious why wouldn’t she just ask you? Which makes me think she is using these do cheat. But I don’t know much about these apps, just my initial thought.

2k is a lot of money. I would take devices for a time period. Perhaps it isn’t feasible for her to get a job right now, but over the summer she needs one and will start paying you back.

OP here.
Thank you. You raise a very important possibility that I do need to look into further. To pile similar things on, I found out last night that one of the App Store charges that she initially blamed on her sibling was in fact her. It was a photo editing app.

Today, I will be doing a deep dive with her devices that she has been using these apps on. I am hoping that search history, etc. has been saved.

You need to stop blaming dad as it was on your card on your time and step up and parent.

[Anonymous]

This warrants taking away her cell phone and getting her one without internet access that only calls and texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

2.5 weeks

2k over 2.5 weeks and you didn’t notice deliveries? Yeah, right!!

Pay attention
Deliveries were to her dad’s house or digital

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

This! Get a budgeting app and every single purchase shows up and you have to put it into a category. My DS is studying abroad this semester so I see every single thing he charges. I’d notice random purchases right away.

Plus $2k is a lot of money! Add to that she write down your card info and used it is terrible. Dad should be paying for things to decorate her room at his house. I’d come down hard on her for this. It isn’t like you gave her your card for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.

Yikes. Parenting fail on my part.
I will definitely take the phone to Apple store. Thank you.

No worries, and it’s a lot to keep up with. One of mine had a lot of device/online issues and would switch SIM cards. If daughter has a 14 or newer they use e-SIM cards. I would ask them to educate you about those when DD is not around. I think it’s best to keep most things out in the open, but if she’s going to the extreme of maintaining a different number you don’t want her to know that you are watching.

I still think there is a deeper issue here and hope that you can get a therapist involved ASAP

Will enabling “esim protection” through the cell service provider prevent this?

I’m not sure. We didn’t have to deal with that. My impression is those are more geared to protection from hacking but it’s a good question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has an allowance, subtract the money from her allowance until it is paid.

Also request a new credit card so she can't be tempted to use the info again, and don't let her ever have one of your credit cards for anything again.

The allowance comes from the parents. Hell no. Whatever can’t be returned needs to be paid back by the kid from money she gets from a summer job. She needs to understand how much money she stole and how long it takes to pay back. Just not getting an allowance won’t make her understand how much she stole.