Teen used my credit card w/o permission. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

[Anonymous]

You change the credit card and give her consequences. No electronics for a month, chores at home, and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

[Anonymous]

You have big issues here that go beyond the money although that is big. Secrecy is a big thing in your family, it is clear. You want to keep this entire thing from her dad. She secretly communicates with you when with her dad. Of course she feels ok being secretive and sneaky- this has been normalized for her. I disagree with the person who said she was trying to get caught by spending so much. She likely just figured out (correctly) that you weren’t noticing and kept doing it. So while it is a LOT of money, part of the issue is how like you let it go on by not noticing. In other words, she didn’t spend $2k at once which would be egregious. She spent $2k over a period in which you weren’t paying attention and she assumed you didn’t notice or care and it added up.

I think all your ideas to address this are too delayed, insufficient, focused on maintaining comfort for both of you, and continue to uphold the pattern of secrecy in your family so I can’t advise you there as I know you won’t take suggestions.

[Anonymous]

She can go live with her daddy full time if she steals from me.

[Anonymous]

I do not check my Visa until the bill arrives. Compare that to people who never comb thru their checking account and they are debiting Starbucks on the regular. OP is not out of the ordinary.

I think your DD’s purchases are directly related to your situation with your ex. Certainly, she needs to be accountable for the expense. I am not sure how old she is, but she needs to come up with a plan to pay you back. Therapy or a deep dive honest conversation is up to you. Yes, to changing out your cc.

I don’t mean to make light of your situation, but it always amazes me that she didn’t imagine she would be caught (their brains aren’t fully developed). It reminds me of when my much younger child colored on the wall and then, signed his name to his artwork! Good luck and hang in there. Kids are hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go live with her daddy full time if she steals from me.

Op loses child support and would have to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

NP - sounds like you really need to figure out a way to turn this into a constructive reset versus a punitive situation. Try to strategize ahead of time about how you can help your kid to understand why this situation is unacceptable, but also empower her to know is capable of making better choices. Cash only for now sounds like a good idea - explain why cash works so well for changing spending patterns. I’m so sorry. Keep framing things as tools for change and not a punishment - hopefully that will feel better for both of you. Focus on the skills your kid needs to develop.

That whole duplicating her bedroom at her dad’s house pulled at my heartstrings. I grew up with very intense parents. My dad gave me a credit card as a teen, but he really spelled things out for me - the card was for emergencies and necessities. So, food, some books, necessary clothing (could have been a slippery slope with a different kid) and eventually gas.

[Anonymous]

How do you not get notification the minute the card is charged?
Why can't your teen come to you and ask for the things she wanted to buy?
How does a NT 15-year old ever think they get away with it?
I've seen similar situations before, but in all cases, lights were on, but nobody was home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k is a lot of money and you have a kid not afraid of breaking rules. I’m going to go against the others and say fo not take the phone. If the unthinkable happens, and I hope you never need this, the police can find a kid by tracking them to their phone. That’s if they sneak out, run away, etc.

You need to change your credit card now, have a serious conversation about theft, tell her how this is a crime and make her work it off. Keep a close watch on her.

Do not take her out of sports and postive structured activities. She needs more of that, not less.

Hopefully this was only a young and stupid mistake and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Whoa. That’s a lot. Full freak out is necessary. Anything less and she will do it to someone else. I’d return anything you can, but still make her pay for it. AND those items go into lock up until full debt is paid.

[Anonymous]

It’s possible your number got saved in her phone.

If it’s Apple Pay, go to Apple.com/bill and you should be able to easily and nearly instantly reverse charges for online orders. I just did this myself. One option is your kid used the card without your permission.

I wouldn’t go full Defcon on this like others are suggesting, rather use it as a teaching moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s possible your number got saved in her phone.

If it’s Apple Pay, go to Apple.com/bill and you should be able to easily and nearly instantly reverse charges for online orders. I just did this myself. One option is your kid used the card without your permission.

I wouldn’t go full Defcon on this like others are suggesting, rather use it as a teaching moment.

Never mind. Now I see it’s $2k of items. Different situation.

The Amazon stuff can be returned.

Are you certain it was her and the number wasn’t compromised?

[Anonymous]

Your DD needs counseling/resources to process what’s going on with her family life. Her stealing $2k from you is a symptom of other things you described and not typical teen behavior. I think she needs consequences and not punishment, but if the underlying emotional issues aren’t addressed, they’ll continue to manifest themselves in destructive ways.