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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person. [/quote]

OP here. 
Thank you for this.  I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”) 
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent.   The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health.  I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though.  Two important questions come to mind: 
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed? 
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed?  Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

[/quote]
2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help. [/quote]

You put restrictions on the phone.  [/quote]
That’s why I said [i]I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls[/i][/quote]

Agreed.  I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it.  Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13.   What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.  [/quote]
https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.[/quote]

Yikes.  Parenting fail on my part. 
I will definitely take the phone to Apple store. Thank you. [/quote]

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