Teen used my credit card w/o permission. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

This! Get a budgeting app and every single purchase shows up and you have to put it into a category. My DS is studying abroad this semester so I see every single thing he charges. I’d notice random purchases right away.

Plus $2k is a lot of money! Add to that she write down your card info and used it is terrible. Dad should be paying for things to decorate her room at his house. I’d come down hard on her for this. It isn’t like you gave her your card for emergencies.

Oh and you need to get it out of your head that kids need two good parents to be raised properly. I’ve raised my son entirely on my own and there is no way he would have ever done something like this. Exert your control and realize she needs more monitoring. My son knows how hard I work just to cover even the basics. He would’ve known that spending my money without asking would’ve been financially devastating for us. Maybe you need to talk to her about the new realities of life now that you’re a single parent. Respect is earned and she’s got a lot of work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

This! Get a budgeting app and every single purchase shows up and you have to put it into a category. My DS is studying abroad this semester so I see every single thing he charges. I’d notice random purchases right away.

Plus $2k is a lot of money! Add to that she write down your card info and used it is terrible. Dad should be paying for things to decorate her room at his house. I’d come down hard on her for this. It isn’t like you gave her your card for emergencies.

Oh and you need to get it out of your head that kids need two good parents to be raised properly. I’ve raised my son entirely on my own and there is no way he would have ever done something like this. Exert your control and realize she needs more monitoring. My son knows how hard I work just to cover even the basics. He would’ve known that spending my money without asking would’ve been financially devastating for us. Maybe you need to talk to her about the new realities of life now that you’re a single parent. Respect is earned and she’s got a lot of work to do.

This is going to fall on deaf ears. So far OP has shown that she’d rather view this as her daughter being the victim of a bad dad than actually hold her accountable and come down on her with any real consequences. She’s fiddling with esim cell phone controls while the kid is stealing thousands from her AND blaming their sibling for the theft and then telling us we must’ve grown up with 2 good parents if we don’t understand her kid’s position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

2.5 weeks

2k over 2.5 weeks and you didn’t notice deliveries? Yeah, right!!

Some of that was app purchases like streaming services. The physical items were all shipped to other parent, who thought DD was using her debit card (allowance and birthday money). He eventually caught on but did not let me know. After all, I was unknowingly furnishing her new room and saving him money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

This! Get a budgeting app and every single purchase shows up and you have to put it into a category. My DS is studying abroad this semester so I see every single thing he charges. I’d notice random purchases right away.

Plus $2k is a lot of money! Add to that she write down your card info and used it is terrible. Dad should be paying for things to decorate her room at his house. I’d come down hard on her for this. It isn’t like you gave her your card for emergencies.

Oh and you need to get it out of your head that kids need two good parents to be raised properly. I’ve raised my son entirely on my own and there is no way he would have ever done something like this. Exert your control and realize she needs more monitoring. My son knows how hard I work just to cover even the basics. He would’ve known that spending my money without asking would’ve been financially devastating for us. Maybe you need to talk to her about the new realities of life now that you’re a single parent. Respect is earned and she’s got a lot of work to do.

Interesting perspective. I have indeed avoided the tough conversation about my finances post divorce. I will have to think on this some more. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Um, some of this is on you OP. How did you not notice the charges?

This! Get a budgeting app and every single purchase shows up and you have to put it into a category. My DS is studying abroad this semester so I see every single thing he charges. I’d notice random purchases right away.

Plus $2k is a lot of money! Add to that she write down your card info and used it is terrible. Dad should be paying for things to decorate her room at his house. I’d come down hard on her for this. It isn’t like you gave her your card for emergencies.

Oh and you need to get it out of your head that kids need two good parents to be raised properly. I’ve raised my son entirely on my own and there is no way he would have ever done something like this. Exert your control and realize she needs more monitoring. My son knows how hard I work just to cover even the basics. He would’ve known that spending my money without asking would’ve been financially devastating for us. Maybe you need to talk to her about the new realities of life now that you’re a single parent. Respect is earned and she’s got a lot of work to do.

Also, I never said that two good parents are needed, nor do I believe that. I only had one myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could she be bipolar?

What makes you think this? Frenzied spending like this is more characteristic of ADHD, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This warrants taking away her cell phone and getting her one without internet access that only calls and texts.

The laptop is the issue, not the cell phone. Laptop with internet access is mandatory at her school.

To get around my monitoring, she had created a second apple id account on that laptop and would log out and back into the one that I have access to.

Honestly, it’s exhausting trying to learn all the ways kids can misuse technology. It’s so easy for them to create accounts, fudge their birth year, cover their tracks, etc.

I obviously have a lot to learn myself. It’s been a lot of trial and error so far. More error at this point…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she like, starved for new things? That’s a lot of bottled up shopping desire!

Unfortunately, yes. Other parent had recently moved and DD had new room. Seems like most of the purchases were either room related or duplicates of things she has here at her home with me.

Obviously, home life has not been easy for her recently, which is why I have decided to temper my immediate response while I try to come to terms with what she did and why.

If she had asked you for those things for her room at the other house instead of just using your credit card, what would your response have been?

Gut response would probably have been “ask dad.” Better response might have been “let’s come up with some ways for you to earn the money.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - sounds like you really need to figure out a way to turn this into a constructive reset versus a punitive situation. Try to strategize ahead of time about how you can help your kid to understand why this situation is unacceptable, but also empower her to know is capable of making better choices. Cash only for now sounds like a good idea - explain why cash works so well for changing spending patterns. I’m so sorry. Keep framing things as tools for change and not a punishment - hopefully that will feel better for both of you. Focus on the skills your kid needs to develop.

That whole duplicating her bedroom at her dad’s house pulled at my heartstrings. I grew up with very intense parents. My dad gave me a credit card as a teen, but he really spelled things out for me - the card was for emergencies and necessities. So, food, some books, necessary clothing (could have been a slippery slope with a different kid) and eventually gas.

I’m screenshotting this response. Thank you! - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has an allowance, subtract the money from her allowance until it is paid.

Also request a new credit card so she can't be tempted to use the info again, and don't let her ever have one of your credit cards for anything again.

The allowance comes from the parents. Hell no. Whatever can’t be returned needs to be paid back by the kid from money she gets from a summer job. She needs to understand how much money she stole and how long it takes to pay back. Just not getting an allowance won’t make her understand how much she stole.

Very good point, PP.

Since she’s not driving yet, I had been unsure about her getting a job. Now, I will make it mandatory, even if she has to walk or bike to work.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a plan. She needs a real attitude and reality adjustment. She can start paying you back now by doing extra chores. She should already have chores but something extra like cleaning baseboards or something else miserable like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has the kids DoorDash every single meal. He keeps no food in the house.

One night I was sitting on my porch and someone delivered $50 worth of chocolate crepes. My 13 year old had used my credit card (which I put on her phone for emergencies).

I don't think it was 100% innocent, in that I don't think she believed I would be totally OK with this. But she had a friend over who she might have been trying to impress. And it's totally normal to test boundaries at that age.

I didn't feel anything was needed beyond a conversation about the price of food, and how I could cook dinner for $20 that would make 8 servings, or she could DoorDash herself $50 worth of dessert. And what if her sister and I also spent $50 each on frivolous DoorDash every night, how much money would we spend per year? Did she think that was a reasonable or realistic budget for food?

It was a learning moment. She was sheepish. If she did it again I would have responded more punitively. And in her defense, her dad is teaching her that it is normal and OK to do something that isn't normal or OK.

I've never ordered Door Dash, so it is not the norm in our house and I too would have been surprised with the crepes order.
That said, I visited my kid in college this weekend. By the looks of the apt. front desk/drop area, Door Dash and delivery everything, appear to be the new norm.