Teen used my credit card w/o permission. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Teens do stupid sh*t, she can pay you back and tell her it’s verboten and she’ll get caught easily if she ever does it again and she’ll be punished.
Also she should have some spending money and opportunities to earn more. Usually it curbs teen theft lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

I’m sorry this happened. That can’t feel good.

She’s not getting it because the consequences are delayed. She needs to lose the phone now. She cannot have the phone back until she’s paid you back in full.

If she truly needs a phone for some reason, get her an old kid phone. One of those with a few preprogrammed numbers. It should feel like a punishment. Stealing 2k could get her sent to jail. You don’t need to yell, but you do need to sit down as a family and implement bug consequences immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im not sure this warrants full freak out. Just ask her why? Tell her she is returning the items and/or paying you back. Set a stronger consequence for if there is a next time.

Her kid knowingly stole her credit card!

Yeah it’s a full freak out

Punishments should fit the crime she gets a dam job and pays op back no fun til age dies do the crime do the time

Yes, this is theft. OP, in addition to her paying you back you need to start teaching her morals and ethics and right and wrong.

[Anonymous]

2 thousand dollars!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

No, it’s not. $20 from mom’s purse warrants a conversation. More than $20 warrants a consequence. $2k is a big, big deal. Way beyond normal. OP is right to be worried about her child’s character development. I’d never do that to my parents.

OP, good parenting isn’t so much about what your child does. Good parenting is about how you respond. You are under responding. You can tell that you are under responding because your DD sends unaffected by the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Was she like, starved for new things? That’s a lot of bottled up shopping desire!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was she like, starved for new things? That’s a lot of bottled up shopping desire!

Unfortunately, yes. Other parent had recently moved and DD had new room. Seems like most of the purchases were either room related or duplicates of things she has here at her home with me.

Obviously, home life has not been easy for her recently, which is why I have decided to temper my immediate response while I try to come to terms with what she did and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did she say OP?

If this was my kid she’d be getting a job now. Losing her after school activities. She can walk dogs and pick up shit but helm of my kid would be playing sports. And I’d made them tell the coaches why.

She’s not a good kid she stole a credit card knowingly!

I’d also enroll her this summer in a financial course . And yes she’s be working this summer as well. No more just camp or hanging work.

Any recommendations for a summer financial course? Online anytime of year is fine as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

That's a lot. 2k over what period of time? I would return has not been used, take away whatever allowance she has and require her to earn back money around the house. My kids know their sleepaway if 2k a week, so maybe if there are some activities she is into, you take those away as part of repayment.

2.5 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she like, starved for new things? That’s a lot of bottled up shopping desire!

Unfortunately, yes. Other parent had recently moved and DD had new room. Seems like most of the purchases were either room related or duplicates of things she has here at her home with me.

Obviously, home life has not been easy for her recently, which is why I have decided to temper my immediate response while I try to come to terms with what she did and why.

If she had asked you for those things for her room at the other house instead of just using your credit card, what would your response have been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes she knows and needs to be punished. My 12yo son would not do this.

Come back when he is 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she like, starved for new things? That’s a lot of bottled up shopping desire!

Unfortunately, yes. Other parent had recently moved and DD had new room. Seems like most of the purchases were either room related or duplicates of things she has here at her home with me.

Obviously, home life has not been easy for her recently, which is why I have decided to temper my immediate response while I try to come to terms with what she did and why.

Well you have your answer.
Just explain to her that 2.5k is a lot of money. Like, really a lot. Idk some kids are crazy, they turn out ok though.