Teen used my credit card w/o permission. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Do you suspect she is also cheating in school? What is she using chatGPT+ for and a study app? If they aren’t nefarious why wouldn’t she just ask you? Which makes me think she is using these do cheat. But I don’t know much about these apps, just my initial thought.

2k is a lot of money. I would take devices for a time period. Perhaps it isn’t feasible for her to get a job right now, but over the summer she needs one and will start paying you back.

[Anonymous]

This is a huge problem. That’s a felony amount of $. I don’t care if her parents are divorced, plenty of kids of divorce wouldn’t dream of this.

Teach her some values and financial literacy. Return the stuff that is returnable. The permissive responses on this thread are ridiculous too.

Parent your kid. That means consequences. And get to the root of why she’s doing this. But don’t let divorce guilt you into raising a monster. Again, $2000 is baffling.

[Anonymous]

How is it that you didn't notice the spend and the sibling had to rat her out?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter stole from you.
Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Disagree. She abused devices. No devices other than what is needed for school. She can earn back her devices after a period of time with parental restrictions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted this before.

No, I did not. I just printed out all my statements yesterday and added up the totals. $2k
I feel sick.

The app store purchases were things like chatgpt+ and a study app. Amazon items ranged from room decor and organization to sports equipment and jewelry.

Do you suspect she is also cheating in school? What is she using chatGPT+ for and a study app? If they aren’t nefarious why wouldn’t she just ask you? Which makes me think she is using these do cheat. But I don’t know much about these apps, just my initial thought.

2k is a lot of money. I would take devices for a time period. Perhaps it isn’t feasible for her to get a job right now, but over the summer she needs one and will start paying you back.

OP here.
Thank you. You raise a very important possibility that I do need to look into further. To pile similar things on, I found out last night that one of the App Store charges that she initially blamed on her sibling was in fact her. It was a photo editing app.

Today, I will be doing a deep dive with her devices that she has been using these apps on. I am hoping that search history, etc. has been saved.

[Anonymous]

If she has an allowance, subtract the money from her allowance until it is paid.

Also request a new credit card so she can't be tempted to use the info again, and don't let her ever have one of your credit cards for anything again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that you didn't notice the spend and the sibling had to rat her out?

Time period was under 2.5 weeks. The only notifications I routinely get on that card are for international transactions and purchases over $500.

- Amazon charges based on individual shipments, not orders, so none of the shipment charges were flagged (all under $250) and only showed as "Amazon.com" on the statement.
- App store purchases are similar in that they were small dollar amounts and only show as "Apple Digital Services," exactly the same as my own apple subscriptions.

She is either very smart/cunning or got lucky by choosing things that would fly under my radar.

[Anonymous]

Another poster seems to say she/he gets notified of EVERY card transactions- is that common?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Another poster seems to say she/he gets notified of EVERY card transactions- is that common?!

I do. I get a text message from some of my cards. One of them is set for all amounts; another one is above a certain threshold. I also check my credit card balances regularly on my apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have big issues here that go beyond the money although that is big. Secrecy is a big thing in your family, it is clear. You want to keep this entire thing from her dad. She secretly communicates with you when with her dad. Of course she feels ok being secretive and sneaky- this has been normalized for her. I disagree with the person who said she was trying to get caught by spending so much. She likely just figured out (correctly) that you weren’t noticing and kept doing it. So while it is a LOT of money, part of the issue is how like you let it go on by not noticing. In other words, she didn’t spend $2k at once which would be egregious. She spent $2k over a period in which you weren’t paying attention and she assumed you didn’t notice or care and it added up.

I think all your ideas to address this are too delayed, insufficient, focused on maintaining comfort for both of you, and continue to uphold the pattern of secrecy in your family so I can’t advise you there as I know you won’t take suggestions.

OP here. You are 100% correct, which is why I am so very thankful for posters here who have understood the nuances of the situation and looked beyond punishments for stealing to provide insightful recommendations on next steps.

You are lucky if you had the luxury of growing up with two safe parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/06/apple-expands-tools-to-help-parents-protect-kids-and-teens-online/

It’s a myth that they disappear at 13. Now what may have happened is that she was able to remove herself from the family group at 13. If she did, she needs to be added back in. I would go to the Apple Store with her phone and have them help you set it up. Ask her to cooperate and gently let her know that if she doesn’t, you’ll have no choice but to factory reset the phone and get a new number.

There are tons of third party apps available as well but Snapchat pics/videos are the one thing you can never get around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is within the range of normal teen (bad) behavior. She needs to have an appropriate consequence (like working off all the debt and holding her to it), but I really think it's bad idea to label her a criminal or pile on the shame.

For what it's worth, I definitely ordered stuff from my parents' Amazon in college and hoped they wouldn't notice. Sometimes they did, and I'd pay them back. I reject that this made me a horrible person.

OP here.
Thank you for this. I grew up with a parent who shamed my sibling into depression and suicidal thinking (I was treated as the “golden child.”)
Unfortunately, as these patterns usually go, I ended up marrying and having kids with someone that turned out to be very similar to that parent. The child that stole gets the worst version of my now-ex.

In fact, I cannot tell my ex about the theft out of concern for my DD’s safety and mental health. I will not take away DD’s phone for the same reason. Yes, I do realize she has now learned how to take advantage of the situation.

I do like the idea of trading out for a no-frills phone, though. Two important questions come to mind:
- How can I still see her location without “find my” app installed?
- Any way she can still send me a private message if needed? Currently, she uses Snapchat to communicate with me when with the other parent.

2k says to me that she wanted to get caught, and I did read down and see the awful issues with your ex and what she bought. I think this is the bigger issue and you need to find out what she’s trying to tell you. This should involve a therapist.

There should still be natural consequences. Lying and stealing from your mom should result in some lack of trust. Especially because of the situation with ex I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls and generally check up on her more. I would do it with a neutral attitude, the loss of trust is enough there is no need to say harsh things beyond what’s probably already been said. Paying back funds for stuff that isn’t returnable is a yes. But I really want to emphasize that I think the theft is secondary and there is something much more troubling going on. 2k out of the blue with a teen who has not had behavioral issues is a signal that she needs some kind of help.

You put restrictions on the phone.

That’s why I said I would not take the phone, but I would have parental controls

Agreed. I won't be taking the phone, but do run into technical challenges with no longer being able to set parental controls on it. Apple parental controls stop working once a kid turns 13. What do other parents do in this situation with apple devices?

She had strict controls on the phone until two years ago.

You can still put controls on it. If they were set up as a “teen” account through family share- you can limit screen time, apps, if they can download apps or need to ask permission, ask permission to buy, downtime, there are tons of settings you can put in place until 18