I still seek closure

[Anonymous]

Stop wasting your time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you walk into an insane asylum to visit and try to argue with the dude who thinks he’s Jesus?

No.
Waste of time.

Make your own closure for getting away from your cheating ex. He won’t be telling you the truth ever.

This

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as closure. You are not going to get satisfaction on this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you’ll ever have closure because what happened was out of your control and a betrayal of your trust. You just learn to cope with it like any disappointment, setback or grief in life. I’m sorry, OP. It’s not fair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand women who "protect" their cheating ex by not divulging an affair. Just tell the truth.

FWIW, I told only my close friends and family members whom I knew would never broadcast the info to our kids or anyone else.

I did not pro-actively "protect him" by saying he was a good guy, although he often tried to use his "good" relationship with me and the kids to validate himself to others, as predators are wont to do, including to his second wife who eventually asked for a divorce. But, I'm not obliged to get others to take off their blinders.

But I did "protect" him by not actively spilling his secret to people that he knew. In return, I got full custody of our kids with visitation only to him. He was able to stay employed and thus pay child support to me. My kids were able to have relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins on his side and that has been a valuable part of creating family for them in the absence of his reliability. I didn't spend mental energy on trying to convince anyone he was wrong, and I didn't get embroiled in a fight in front of the kids that forced them to choose sides.

The kids realized for themselves as they grew older what kind of person he was. The same character flaws that made him cheat also ruined other relationships. There really was no need to expose him when he would eventually expose himself.

Interestingly, no one ever asked me flat out if he cheated. If someone had, kids included I wouldn't have lied for him.

Not to derail the thread, but major props to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I feel the whole ordeal has been so traumatic for me. I had to go to great lengths to find concrete evidence to justify this, I feel my life became about the betrayal. I haven’t told the kids yet but they will know I worry. I feel this has affected my work and my ability to focus as well. I hope it’s temporary. Anyone else went through this and recovered? I am not even thinking of dating at this point..

It is a trauma, OP. You need to be more gentle with yourself. Of course it's affected every aspect of your life! You will recover, but it could take some time. My only suggestion would be trying to dedicate time to think/worry/scream about this situation and otherwise dedicate time to your work, your kids, your life, etc. It's totally normal to have the reaction you're having, I just hope you can find a way to move forward and get some peace restored in your life. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The closure is your just firmly shutting the mental door. No rumination. When it pops back open, shut it.
Because there IS no externally caused "closure." If we get what we think will do it, something else pops up.

--Rat them out to AP spouse. But what if they already know or don't care? Eeeek no punishment no closure. You just torment yourself more.

--Rat them out at work. But what if nothing happene and no one cares? Eeeeek etc.

--Rat them out at work and somebody gets fired. But then xDH or AP rallies to support them and they are closer. Eeeeek etc.
Or they get a new job right away. Eeeeek etc.

You get the idea.

Only we can close our own doors and work to keep them closed.

Best wishes.

Yikes. Don't do any of this, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP again: what kind of relation did you have post-separation with the spouse that betrayed you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: what kind of relation did you have post-separation with the spouse that betrayed you?

We are 4 years out from me discovering the affair and 2 years from him moving out. We only talk about kid stuff. He looked at me once a few months ago otherwise he's never made eye contact. We do kids bdays, Christmas morning, trick or treating, and kids school events together. I act normal. He acts like a massove ball of shame and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP - in a similar boat and she was an employee of ours and a dear friend of mine. The closure is that they showed me exactly who they were. They will not give you what you are looking for, especially if he is not confessing - they prob don't think they did anything wrong. I am so sorry. EMDR therapy has really helped me.

Are they still working together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: what kind of relation did you have post-separation with the spouse that betrayed you?

It's been 16 months since he left suddenly for AP. We are now divorced.

Are you coparenting kids? That makes a big difference.

Basically at this point I yellow-rock him emotionally, but we're amicable-ish for the kids. We sit together at kid things (only if AP is not there). We kept our season theatre tickets as a family and still go together, though I will probably boot him when it's time to renew; I was in a different (more delusionally optimistic about being consciously uncoupled or something) place when I made that decision last year.

He texts me when he finds out that a friend of his has died, or their mom died, or whatnot. Sometimes we'll be more jokey/familiar than others. I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's a functional alcoholic. I had to set a boundary removing him from carpool this past week after I heard he was planning to visit a bar if carpool went late; he's so far gone that he doesn't realize other parents would be horrified by someone chugging a drink right before driving their kid for 30 minutes. He said, "Thank you for this feedback," like I'd given him a positive progress report or something [shrug].

I'm doing EMDR. He had an affair 10 years prior and I have trauma from that, compounded now by his having a second affair and leaving. That's helpful. I'm shifting my view of him from "mostly OK guy I was with for 25 years" to "self-absorbed man child who is falling apart, whom I cannot help or save my children from." It's really hard to rewrite your perception of someone you tried to view positively for so long, but the more I see him for who he really is, the more settled and safe and grateful I feel to be away from him. But I still have to navigate having kids with him, and help them learn how to feel safe with an unsafe person.

Funnily enough, him being with another woman is like 8th on the list of things that bother me about him at the moment -- probably because I spent so much mental energy on the first affair. Also, a friend just told me that he grossly propositioned her a few months ago and bragged about hooking up with people on the apps, so AP can have him. Good luck girl.

You do whatever you need to do. Sometimes I can treat him like an annoying relative I still have to chat with. Sometimes I need a little more space than that. I gave him a funny ringtone on my phone ("it's your ex-husband calling your phone") and his own text sound, because sometimes I feel anxious knowing I might hear from him. If you don't have kids, you can block him (if you do, you can still move communication to a coparenting app). He's such an oblivious and self-absorbed person that I don't think he notices that I'm not sharing my stuff with him. If I get stuck talking to him a kid thing, I just ask him about work or his relatives and half-listen while he rambles on. Last time he sprang himself on me at intermission saying, "I want to finish my story!" Um, I didn't realize you were in the middle of one.

It's sad. Our kids have struggles (or joys) and you want to be able to share that with their other parent. But a lot of their struggles are caused by him. And anything I say, he either ignores, misunderstands, or uses to avoid doing his own emotional work. So there's no point. That's just another shitty thing I have to accept.

[Anonymous]

The only real closure you can hope to find is peace with yourself. Time will heal you. The pain you feel will become a faint, dull ache. Focus on yourself. You can find happiness again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same. My ex had a 3 year affair beginning when we had a 2yo and I was pregnant with our second and lasting til the kids were 5 and 2.5. O kept the affair private as I didnt want to affect his job (he got a dui and lost it anyway) and I didnt want the kids to suffer from gossip about their dad or hear anything about him.

I found out about the affair Jan 2022. He moved out 18 months ago and divorce is almost finalized. I organically met and have been dating someone wonderful. I just found out that on Christmas Eve, in a large group of mutual friends and family, he was talking negatively about me dating and saying I couldn't even wait until the ink was dry, its clear where my priorities are, alluding to me prioritizing that over my kids (I see my boyfriend 2x per month on my non kid days only).

It cut so deep that hes out there portraying me as the bad guy when he was in a full blown double life for 3 years.

I wouldn’t keep that secret for him everyone can know but I will never be the fall guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: what kind of relation did you have post-separation with the spouse that betrayed you?

It's been 16 months since he left suddenly for AP. We are now divorced.

Are you coparenting kids? That makes a big difference.

Basically at this point I yellow-rock him emotionally, but we're amicable-ish for the kids. We sit together at kid things (only if AP is not there). We kept our season theatre tickets as a family and still go together, though I will probably boot him when it's time to renew; I was in a different (more delusionally optimistic about being consciously uncoupled or something) place when I made that decision last year.

He texts me when he finds out that a friend of his has died, or their mom died, or whatnot. Sometimes we'll be more jokey/familiar than others. I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's a functional alcoholic. I had to set a boundary removing him from carpool this past week after I heard he was planning to visit a bar if carpool went late; he's so far gone that he doesn't realize other parents would be horrified by someone chugging a drink right before driving their kid for 30 minutes. He said, "Thank you for this feedback," like I'd given him a positive progress report or something [shrug].

I'm doing EMDR. He had an affair 10 years prior and I have trauma from that, compounded now by his having a second affair and leaving. That's helpful. I'm shifting my view of him from "mostly OK guy I was with for 25 years" to "self-absorbed man child who is falling apart, whom I cannot help or save my children from." It's really hard to rewrite your perception of someone you tried to view positively for so long, but the more I see him for who he really is, the more settled and safe and grateful I feel to be away from him. But I still have to navigate having kids with him, and help them learn how to feel safe with an unsafe person.

Funnily enough, him being with another woman is like 8th on the list of things that bother me about him at the moment -- probably because I spent so much mental energy on the first affair. Also, a friend just told me that he grossly propositioned her a few months ago and bragged about hooking up with people on the apps, so AP can have him. Good luck girl.

You do whatever you need to do. Sometimes I can treat him like an annoying relative I still have to chat with. Sometimes I need a little more space than that. I gave him a funny ringtone on my phone ("it's your ex-husband calling your phone") and his own text sound, because sometimes I feel anxious knowing I might hear from him. If you don't have kids, you can block him (if you do, you can still move communication to a coparenting app). He's such an oblivious and self-absorbed person that I don't think he notices that I'm not sharing my stuff with him. If I get stuck talking to him a kid thing, I just ask him about work or his relatives and half-listen while he rambles on. Last time he sprang himself on me at intermission saying, "I want to finish my story!" Um, I didn't realize you were in the middle of one.

It's sad. Our kids have struggles (or joys) and you want to be able to share that with their other parent. But a lot of their struggles are caused by him. And anything I say, he either ignores, misunderstands, or uses to avoid doing his own emotional work. So there's no point. That's just another shitty thing I have to accept.

I’m sure this is going about as well as can be expected but you shouldn’t teach your kids to feel safe around him. They should be on high alert and they should know the signs of intoxication

[Anonymous]

I still want to know how many years of betrayal was I facing? And I want to know if the APs boyfriend or the guy she lives with-is he a cover up or an idiot? I am also struggling with thoughts that I was more forceful I would have been able to bang the affair to an end. It’s traumatic living with all these thoughts as I did not make a big fuss and chose the quiet exit..