I still seek closure

[Anonymous]

I've been through it.
Don't cover for him
Expose it all.
start with your friends, his family and and AP's spouse or family
then tell him it will go to others as well.
Truth be told

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough especially when one is above 50…the AP is 43

Why is it tougher when one is above 50? (And by "one" do you mean the betrayed spouse, or just one person in the relationship?)

[Anonymous]

I'm 59 and an empty nester. Just remarried someone who has kids in their 30s. I think it's way easier to move on after 50 because men in this age group are more likely to be done with daily interactions with their kids and their XWs.

[Anonymous]

You will never get closure because there isn’t a good reason for what he did. And he’s not really sorry for it, either.

I was on your shows 10 years ago, and he’s still with the AP. They live together now. It’s been really hard on the kids.

And the more time passes, the more he will justify to himself what he did and mentally rewrite your history until he literally believes it. It’s how cheaters manage the cognitive dissonance.

Don’t look for healing from the person who abused you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still looking for ... something.

Revenge. You are looking for revenge.

Anonymous wrote: I'm not sure it's closure in the traditional sense.

You know exactly what it is you want.

Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

I am in the process and still able to negotiate taking AP out (as one of our close friend suggest) but I can’t even begin to imagine doing that..I want to be able to negotiate a good settlement..I believe it’s one vs the other. However the thought of having AP in my kids life just bothers me like crazy (they are older teens)

[Anonymous]

Maybe you imagine the guy he was when you married him would have the character to admit the affair and apologize? So in a way the "closure" you're seeking is to have your old husband back - the person he was before he cheated on you.

Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

You're still going through it. Why would you have closure when it's still happening? Give yourself a chance to be sad, angry, all the feelings. And if you take that time and don't try to jump into something new, you will realize one day that you're ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still looking for ... something.

Revenge. You are looking for revenge.

Anonymous wrote: I'm not sure it's closure in the traditional sense.

You know exactly what it is you want.

Get therapy.

Revenge? I could have had a lot but laid down my sword. I think it’s recognition by him—which I understand will never happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the process and still able to negotiate taking AP out (as one of our close friend suggest) but I can’t even begin to imagine doing that..I want to be able to negotiate a good settlement..I believe it’s one vs the other. However the thought of having AP in my kids life just bothers me like crazy (they are older teens)

Me too. Kids are elementary. Anyone but her kinda thing but not sure why it should matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still looking for ... something.

Revenge. You are looking for revenge.

Anonymous wrote: I'm not sure it's closure in the traditional sense.

You know exactly what it is you want.

Get therapy.

Revenge? I could have had a lot but laid down my sword. I think it’s recognition by him—which I understand will never happen.

why??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same. My ex had a 3 year affair beginning when we had a 2yo and I was pregnant with our second and lasting til the kids were 5 and 2.5. O kept the affair private as I didnt want to affect his job (he got a dui and lost it anyway) and I didnt want the kids to suffer from gossip about their dad or hear anything about him.

I found out about the affair Jan 2022. He moved out 18 months ago and divorce is almost finalized. I organically met and have been dating someone wonderful. I just found out that on Christmas Eve, in a large group of mutual friends and family, he was talking negatively about me dating and saying I couldn't even wait until the ink was dry, its clear where my priorities are, alluding to me prioritizing that over my kids (I see my boyfriend 2x per month on my non kid days only).

It cut so deep that hes out there portraying me as the bad guy when he was in a full blown double life for 3 years.

Maybe you actually should be prioritizing your kids?

She is! OMG. She only sees her bf when she does not have her kids. what is wrong with you? (No need to respond).

[Anonymous]

Yes, it goes away. I caught my xH cheating multiple times and he always denied everything.

You have to let go of the idea that he'll confess, admit he was wrong, and fall to his knees sobbing for what he did to you. He won't. Not because you don't deserve it, but because cheaters don't have the same mentality as you and I. They don't care about hurting people. They don't care about right and wrong. They only care about what makes them look good and feel good. That's a them issue, not a you issue.

What *did* help me with closure was literally just moving on like I didn't care. The biggest blow to their ego is to feel like they aren't important. Overall I just keep a very breezy, casual attitude with xH, like the cheating and divorce didn't impact me at all. Cheaters don't feel remorse for hurting you, they only respond to ego validation, and I don't give any by showing bitterness, anger, or resentment. The one time xH did show "remorse" (which was really just fishing for validation that I still had some sort of feelings), I just waved it off with "no, you were right! I know we're both WAY happier now!"

Also, glow up and get an upgrade. I got in shape, updated my wardrobe, and got some cosmetic work done. I now have a BF who is 15 years younger than xH, makes twice his salary, is smoking hot, and is an all around really, really great man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In process for divorce due to infidelity, he never confessed. I thought I didnt care as he looked plenty guilty and I had solid evidence (I told him the facts but didnt show him). His AP is still working with him, I didnt expose as I didnt want to affect his work. Still hoping for closure...will this feeling ever go away?

You should have learned in high school that A-holes don’t apologize or confess. Ever.

Move on. Belief your truths.

[Anonymous]

Would you walk into an insane asylum to visit and try to argue with the dude who thinks he’s Jesus?

No.
Waste of time.

Make your own closure for getting away from your cheating ex. He won’t be telling you the truth ever.