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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again: what kind of relation did you have post-separation with the spouse that betrayed you?[/quote]

It's been 16 months since he left suddenly for AP. We are now divorced.

Are you coparenting kids? That makes a big difference.

Basically at this point I yellow-rock him emotionally, but we're amicable-ish for the kids. We sit together at kid things (only if AP is not there). We kept our season theatre tickets as a family and still go together, though I will probably boot him when it's time to renew; I was in a different (more delusionally optimistic about being consciously uncoupled or something) place when I made that decision last year.

He texts me when he finds out that a friend of his has died, or their mom died, or whatnot. Sometimes we'll be more jokey/familiar than others. I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's a functional alcoholic. I had to set a boundary removing him from carpool this past week after I heard he was planning to visit a bar if carpool went late; he's so far gone that he doesn't realize other parents would be horrified by someone chugging a drink right before driving their kid for 30 minutes. He said, "Thank you for this feedback," like I'd given him a positive progress report or something [shrug].

I'm doing EMDR. He had an affair 10 years prior and I have trauma from that, compounded now by his having a second affair and leaving. That's helpful. I'm shifting my view of him from "mostly OK guy I was with for 25 years" to "self-absorbed man child who is falling apart, whom I cannot help or save my children from." It's really hard to rewrite your perception of someone you tried to view positively for so long, but the more I see him for who he really is, the more settled and safe and grateful I feel to be away from him. But I still have to navigate having kids with him, [b]and help them learn how to feel safe with an unsafe person[/b].

Funnily enough, him being with another woman is like 8th on the list of things that bother me about him at the moment -- probably because I spent so much mental energy on the first affair. Also, a friend just told me that he grossly propositioned her a few months ago and bragged about hooking up with people on the apps, so AP can have him. Good luck girl.

You do whatever you need to do. Sometimes I can treat him like an annoying relative I still have to chat with. Sometimes I need a little more space than that. I gave him a funny ringtone on my phone ("it's your ex-husband calling your phone") and his own text sound, because sometimes I feel anxious knowing I might hear from him. If you don't have kids, you can block him (if you do, you can still move communication to a coparenting app). He's such an oblivious and self-absorbed person that I don't think he notices that I'm not sharing my stuff with him. If I get stuck talking to him a kid thing, I just ask him about work or his relatives and half-listen while he rambles on. Last time he sprang himself on me at intermission saying, "I want to finish my story!" Um, I didn't realize you were in the middle of one.

It's sad. Our kids have struggles (or joys) and you want to be able to share that with their other parent. But a lot of their struggles are caused by him. And anything I say, he either ignores, misunderstands, or uses to avoid doing his own emotional work. So there's no point. That's just another shitty thing I have to accept.[/quote]

I’m sure this is going about as well as can be expected but you shouldn’t teach your kids to feel safe around him. They should be on high alert and they should know the signs of intoxication [/quote]

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