I still seek closure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same. My ex had a 3 year affair beginning when we had a 2yo and I was pregnant with our second and lasting til the kids were 5 and 2.5. O kept the affair private as I didnt want to affect his job (he got a dui and lost it anyway) and I didnt want the kids to suffer from gossip about their dad or hear anything about him.

I found out about the affair Jan 2022. He moved out 18 months ago and divorce is almost finalized. I organically met and have been dating someone wonderful. I just found out that on Christmas Eve, in a large group of mutual friends and family, he was talking negatively about me dating and saying I couldn't even wait until the ink was dry, its clear where my priorities are, alluding to me prioritizing that over my kids (I see my boyfriend 2x per month on my non kid days only).

It cut so deep that hes out there portraying me as the bad guy when he was in a full blown double life for 3 years.

Why don’t you link to your prior threads? “Talk me off a ledge”

Are you the thread police who calls people out on their posts if they posted the same experience before? Please stop doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll never understand women who "protect" their cheating ex by not divulging an affair. Just tell the truth.

FWIW, I told only my close friends and family members whom I knew would never broadcast the info to our kids or anyone else.

I did not pro-actively "protect him" by saying he was a good guy, although he often tried to use his "good" relationship with me and the kids to validate himself to others, as predators are wont to do, including to his second wife who eventually asked for a divorce. But, I'm not obliged to get others to take off their blinders.

But I did "protect" him by not actively spilling his secret to people that he knew. In return, I got full custody of our kids with visitation only to him. He was able to stay employed and thus pay child support to me. My kids were able to have relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins on his side and that has been a valuable part of creating family for them in the absence of his reliability. I didn't spend mental energy on trying to convince anyone he was wrong, and I didn't get embroiled in a fight in front of the kids that forced them to choose sides.

The kids realized for themselves as they grew older what kind of person he was. The same character flaws that made him cheat also ruined other relationships. There really was no need to expose him when he would eventually expose himself.

Interestingly, no one ever asked me flat out if he cheated. If someone had, kids included I wouldn't have lied for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to make peace with the fact he changed into an @$$, and radically accept that your marriage and relationship with him as you formerly knew it is over.

Exactly. Either you made a huge mistake by marrying him, or he changed drastically. The guy you knew or imagined you knew isn't there.

Not disagreeing with you. But another possibility is that OP changed and pushed her husband into ap’s arms. Op did you become fat or were you not having sex with your husband?

No one is ever justified in cheating. If your wife got fat or won't have sex any more, pull the trigger and ask for a divorce. Cheating is just lame.

And, could we stop with the "maybe you pushed husband into ap's arms" crap -- men are grown-ass adults who are responsible for their own behavior choices, even when made in reaction to a situation that they are unhappy with. Women *do not* control men to the degree that the "you made him" argument about cheating presupposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The closest to closure I have gotten is that I have close relationships with my kids. Our adult child went no-contact with him, older teen hates him and refuses to go to his house, and younger teen pretends to tolerate him. It is very sad for me that my kids lost a parent, but it's entirely his own doing and based on choices he made.

He otherwise seems to be living his best life with his much younger AP, traveling, spending money, pretending to be an awesome dad to her kids while not parenting his own. To me, sacrificing my kids for a new partner and barely seeing them is not a trade off I would ever make. He's chosen his life - feeding his ego with his new supply and making very clear to his kids that they are not a priority. And I've chosen mine - focusing on my own healing, keeping our home life stable, and supporting my kids.

Part of me is waiting for karma to catch up to him but I don't think it will ever happen.

I'm sorry, PP. I know a couple where the man is doing this and I'm flabbergasted by his actions.

[Anonymous]

OP again: I feel the whole ordeal has been so traumatic for me. I had to go to great lengths to find concrete evidence to justify this, I feel my life became about the betrayal. I haven’t told the kids yet but they will know I worry. I feel this has affected my work and my ability to focus as well. I hope it’s temporary. Anyone else went through this and recovered? I am not even thinking of dating at this point..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same. My ex had a 3 year affair beginning when we had a 2yo and I was pregnant with our second and lasting til the kids were 5 and 2.5. O kept the affair private as I didnt want to affect his job (he got a dui and lost it anyway) and I didnt want the kids to suffer from gossip about their dad or hear anything about him.

I found out about the affair Jan 2022. He moved out 18 months ago and divorce is almost finalized. I organically met and have been dating someone wonderful. I just found out that on Christmas Eve, in a large group of mutual friends and family, he was talking negatively about me dating and saying I couldn't even wait until the ink was dry, its clear where my priorities are, alluding to me prioritizing that over my kids (I see my boyfriend 2x per month on my non kid days only).

It cut so deep that hes out there portraying me as the bad guy when he was in a full blown double life for 3 years.

Don't let it. That's so ridiculous. What a disastrous excuse for a human being. You deserve to rise up out of the shambles he made of your family life. However you choose to do so.

He's jealous. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Did your closure come from getting more answers from your cheating spouse? Or did you ever get to expose the AP and felt some satisfaction? I never got all answers from the EX but I still have the urge the expose AP at least to her family members who is still at work with him, and maybe blow her career.. haven’t taken this routes but anymore story as my family has been destroyed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I feel the whole ordeal has been so traumatic for me. I had to go to great lengths to find concrete evidence to justify this, I feel my life became about the betrayal. I haven’t told the kids yet but they will know I worry. I feel this has affected my work and my ability to focus as well. I hope it’s temporary. Anyone else went through this and recovered? I am not even thinking of dating at this point..

You have been through trauma, so these feelings are very normal. I'd look into therapy with someone who specializes in EMDR. You will recover; you ARE recovering! It's just a marathon, not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your closure come from getting more answers from your cheating spouse? Or did you ever get to expose the AP and felt some satisfaction? I never got all answers from the EX but I still have the urge the expose AP at least to her family members who is still at work with him, and maybe blow her career.. haven’t taken this routes but anymore story as my family has been destroyed

What do hope to accomplish? The AP’s family members are going to side with her, not you. Move on from these losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I feel the whole ordeal has been so traumatic for me. I had to go to great lengths to find concrete evidence to justify this, I feel my life became about the betrayal. I haven’t told the kids yet but they will know I worry. I feel this has affected my work and my ability to focus as well. I hope it’s temporary. Anyone else went through this and recovered? I am not even thinking of dating at this point..

Yes I have (hard to describe that feeling of betrayal to any of my friends who had never experienced it, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, phoned it in at work, so exhausted trying to raise my kids) and yes I’ve recovered. The first year was really really hard but then my healing was exponential.

[Anonymous]

The closure is your just firmly shutting the mental door. No rumination. When it pops back open, shut it.
Because there IS no externally caused "closure." If we get what we think will do it, something else pops up.

--Rat them out to AP spouse. But what if they already know or don't care? Eeeek no punishment no closure. You just torment yourself more.

--Rat them out at work. But what if nothing happene and no one cares? Eeeeek etc.

--Rat them out at work and somebody gets fired. But then xDH or AP rallies to support them and they are closer. Eeeeek etc.
Or they get a new job right away. Eeeeek etc.

You get the idea.

Only we can close our own doors and work to keep them closed.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I feel the whole ordeal has been so traumatic for me. I had to go to great lengths to find concrete evidence to justify this, I feel my life became about the betrayal. I haven’t told the kids yet but they will know I worry. I feel this has affected my work and my ability to focus as well. I hope it’s temporary. Anyone else went through this and recovered? I am not even thinking of dating at this point..

Yes I have (hard to describe that feeling of betrayal to any of my friends who had never experienced it, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, phoned it in at work, so exhausted trying to raise my kids) and yes I’ve recovered. The first year was really really hard but then my healing was exponential.

+100

You can read about it, see it in movies/tv shows, etc., etc., but when it happens to you in a long marriage with kids—-it’s nothing like those portrayals….its so so bad. I lost 15 pounds on an already very fit athletic body in 2 weeks. People thought I had a terminal illness I got so skinny so fast. I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. I was skittish, starved easy, the rug is pulled out and you don’t believe anything about anyone anymore when you are that blindsided.

I am not the same years later. I have zero trust or belief in anything. Period.

[Anonymous]

Here's an piece on closure from NYT. Gift link.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/08/well/mind/psych101-closure.html?unlocked_article_code=1.D1A.3X9Q.DflUeJEkeH6w&smid=url-share

[Anonymous]

The kids should know the truth. That he had a girlfriend - it can be a simple as that. When they are able to understand sex, that he had sex.

You are foolish to not tell them The Why. They know something was wrong, they felt it. They need to trust their own feelings, their feelings of knowing when something is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The closure is your just firmly shutting the mental door. No rumination. When it pops back open, shut it.
Because there IS no externally caused "closure." If we get what we think will do it, something else pops up.

--Rat them out to AP spouse. But what if they already know or don't care? Eeeek no punishment no closure. You just torment yourself more.

--Rat them out at work. But what if nothing happene and no one cares? Eeeeek etc.

--Rat them out at work and somebody gets fired. But then xDH or AP rallies to support them and they are closer. Eeeeek etc.
Or they get a new job right away. Eeeeek etc.

You get the idea.

Only we can close our own doors and work to keep them closed.

Best wishes.

I’m facing a different problem that I ruminate on and this was very helpful. Thank you.