Processing grief and complicated family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

No, that is not what the situation is saying.

Also, the word "weird" is subjective and means nothing.

Then why give one grandchild a large amount of money and give the others no money at all? What do you think the reason is?

If the Last Will & Testament was written with the term "per stirpes", as most are, then it means that if one of the listed beneficiaries (an uncle in this case) has died and that there is no spouse the asset bequeathed goes down the line to their direct descendants (their child or OP's cousin in this case). This is a basic estate planning concept and a very common approach when writing a Will.

OP has indicated that their mothers are sisters. So the dead father is not a blood relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our mothers are sisters. This is another reason why it makes no sense. Obviously if there was a deceased child of my grandmother’s, the living grandchild would inherit, but that’s not the case here.

You keep on saying it makes no sense as if there are laws of physics being broken, but this is not happening. Grandparents do not always give their estate to their grandchildren. That is not a given--at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but I think there must have been more of a bond with the cousin than you realized.

That said, I would have felt just like you. Very hurt. If it were me, I would try to find some reasoning as to the connection that you didn't realize with GM and C. Then move on. This is the sort of thing that could derail me for a period of time. (I am not proud to type that, but hope it might be helpful.)

Feeling hurt in this situation is perfectly normal. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all long to be loved and cherished. Since we cannot see inside people's hearts, tangible actions such as leaving money behind, help reinforce these feelings. Like OP said, it would be different if there was no money for cousins.

What about the loving times you had with the person when there were alive, those where sure tangible.

Leaving money behind is not necessarily an act of love

[Anonymous]

So who got the money, her children? I thought you said that was what was expected. I got nothing from my own father when he passed away, and nothing from three out of four grandparents. One left me about $1500.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

Clearly she felt her relationship with that grandchild (your cousin) was more special than the one you had with her. You felt more for her than she did for you. It happens; it happened with me and my mother - no matter what I did - my brother was always the favorite. (He has a penis and she’s sexist). My job in her eyes is to kill myself looking after everyone but to give all the credit to the men - just like she did. Sad. And I’m changing the dynamics with my kids. My advice is to let this be a learning lesson and don’t repeat her mistakes - that’s all you can control- your actions.

Sorry, PP. That really sucks.