Processing grief and complicated family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Where does the rest go? To her children, presumably one of whom is your parent? Is the cousin the child of her deceased child who gets the dead parent's share?

Just let go.
I sent gifts, cards, whatever to a great aunt. She died, left me nothing. Left stuff to my mother who did nothing for 20 years. A niece, not a generation removed.

[Anonymous]

Its strange the cousin got money when everyone else got "things." but having the actual inheritance split between her children is pretty common I suspect. (At least in my family and a few others I have spoken too.) My grandmother has us but labels on "stuff" we wanted in the house when she was still alive - but the money/home sale profit all went to her kids directly - not grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Please detach the money people receive from the affection your Grandmother had for each of you. They are separate.

I know it's hard to understand. My family had a quarter century inheritance lawsuit and multiple accusations of theft from my Grandfather's will. Apparently certain of my relatives didn't like that I inherited more than my younger cousins, because they were not born when he died. My aunt took jewelry that my Grandmother wanted me to have, because her kid didn't get as much from the will, or for whatever reason, no idea.

With time, things will become less painful.

Thank you. I’m actually finding that with time, I’m growing MORE resentful. My cousin already inherited a house when her father passed away and is quite set financially. My friends keep telling me it’s probably because she knew I could hold my own, and didn’t “need” help, that she didn’t leave money to me. As if I would have squandered it or something. It would have been a blessing.

PP you replied to. I know, on its face it's patently unfair. But it's not your cousin's fault, and the one who perhaps displayed poor judgement is gone. I promise you time will heal your resentment, but it's going to take a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

[Anonymous]

I had something similar happen with my grandma, and the disparity was much bigger and I was the only one discriminated against. I understand how you feel, OP. I tell myself that I never had a claim on her money, it was always hers to begin with, and she did whatever she wanted to do with it. It is hurtful for sure, but there is nothing you can do about it. I think it's one of those things you will need to let go of. You didn't show her affection to inherit her money. It was freely given. Think of letting it go and forgiving her as your last act of affection and kindness toward her.

[Anonymous]

This sucks OP. Sorry you are going through this. Try not to ruminate in it because it will only make you feel worse. Focus on onward and upward versus what was and what could’ve been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had something similar happen with my grandma, and the disparity was much bigger and I was the only one discriminated against. I understand how you feel, OP. I tell myself that I never had a claim on her money, it was always hers to begin with, and she did whatever she wanted to do with it. It is hurtful for sure, but there is nothing you can do about it. I think it's one of those things you will need to let go of. You didn't show her affection to inherit her money. It was freely given. Think of letting it go and forgiving her as your last act of affection and kindness toward her.

Thanks. I hope I can get to that point!

[Anonymous]

If 14 cousins (you included) just got a "thing", and only one cousin got money, then you were not singled out. Maybe there's a history you don't know about (a loan?). Given that she divided equally among her children and also grandchildren (if leaving out this strange amount to one grandchild), then she seems to have thought things through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

That's what I'm wondering. Are the 6 kids the living ones? How many are no longer living? Did the cousin inherit the portion that would have gone to the father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If 14 cousins (you included) just got a "thing", and only one cousin got money, then you were not singled out. Maybe there's a history you don't know about (a loan?). Given that she divided equally among her children and also grandchildren (if leaving out this strange amount to one grandchild), then she seems to have thought things through.

Agree with this. Perhaps there is a specific reason she left the 75k to the one cousins that you don't know about. Maybe a loan, as PP said, or something more complicated. Maybe she treated the cousin's parent badly when they were a kid. Maybe she said or did something to the cousin or their parent that she felt very guilty about. Or maybe something happened to the cousin that no one else knows about that incentivized her to leave more to her. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

What is your basis for knowing how close this cousin was with your grandma?

I would assume there are things about their relationship you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

Let me explain this to you.

I have 6 siblings. One is dead and divorced before death.

My parents estate was split 6 ways... 5 parts went to me and my siblings and the 6th portion when to my dead siblings children. That is the way estates work.

So your cousin got their father's portion. You did not get your father's portion because he never divorced your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

That's what I'm wondering. Are the 6 kids the living ones? How many are no longer living? Did the cousin inherit the portion that would have gone to the father?

Yes that is the way estates work. The money that would have gone to their father went to the cousin.

OP did not get her father's portion because it went to her mom.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.