Processing grief and complicated family dynamics
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Anonymous
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My grandmother, who lived in a modest apartment-turned-condo on a fixed income, recently passed away. Because she always presented herself as frugal and I knew she didn’t have much, I never expected to inherit anything. It was understood that her children would handle the proceeds from her property and that her belongings would be divided among family.
Imagine my surprise when it was revealed there was a will and an estate worth hundreds of thousands. I’m financially stable and live modestly, so this isn’t about needing money to survive, but even a relatively small amount, like $10,000, would have been a meaningful cushion for my family. Of all the family, I was the one who maintained a consistent, nurturing relationship with my grandmother. I loved her and made sure to include her in our lives; taking her out to dinner, visiting her with our children, hosting her for birthdays and holidays, sending cards, and encouraging my kids to stay in touch. My husband was equally kind and warm with her as he didn’t have a grandmother growing up and she became a surrogate of sorts. We did all of this freely and without expectation of financial reward. Learning that she left me virtually nothing, just a single necklace that has no sentimental value and worth around $100, was deeply hurtful. One (and only one) of my cousins received a significantly larger portion, around $75,000, which underscores the disparity. I’m left feeling confused, saddened, and unsettled. I don’t have answers, and I doubt I ever will, but it’s difficult not to feel overlooked by someone I cared for deeply. I can’t stop asking”why”? I’m sharing this here mostly to process my feelings and to seek perspective. How do others make sense of complicated inheritance situations like this, especially when emotional bonds don’t seem reflected in financial decisions? I’d appreciate any thoughts or experiences you might share. |
Anonymous
| She probably made that will years ago when the situation was different than it is now. It may have reflected her best intentions and understanding of her family's needs at that time. |
Anonymous
It was revised just last year. |
Anonymous
| It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity? |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry, OP. Please detach the money people receive from the affection your Grandmother had for each of you. They are separate.
I know it's hard to understand. My family had a quarter century inheritance lawsuit and multiple accusations of theft from my Grandfather's will. Apparently certain of my relatives didn't like that I inherited more than my younger cousins, because they were not born when he died. My aunt took jewelry that my Grandmother wanted me to have, because her kid didn't get as much from the will, or for whatever reason, no idea. With time, things will become less painful. |
Anonymous
Did your cousin help her revise it? Do you think there could have been undone influence over her? |
Anonymous
No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me. |
Anonymous
No, I have no reason at all to suspect that. |
Anonymous
| That's a completely awful will, and the very example of what NOT to do. I'm sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
| Does the cousin need the money? Do you think that's why Grandma left that money to them? |
Anonymous
With the help of your cousin? |
Anonymous
Thank you. I’m actually finding that with time, I’m growing MORE resentful. My cousin already inherited a house when her father passed away and is quite set financially. My friends keep telling me it’s probably because she knew I could hold my own, and didn’t “need” help, that she didn’t leave money to me. As if I would have squandered it or something. It would have been a blessing. |
Anonymous
I don’t want to sound selfish or jealous posting again, but I just posted that no, my cousin inherited a house when her father died, and she’s pretty secure financially. My father is also dead, so I don’t think that’s the reason. |
Anonymous
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I hear you, OP. This stuff can be so hard and I’d feel resentful, too, in your situation. I also find I’ve gotten more resentful as time has passed about disparities in family treatment. I don’t sit around stewing, but if it does come up somehow, time hasn’t healed that wound.
Hang in there. You’re not alone. |
Anonymous
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What's the relationship of all the cousins? Which ones are kids of which of grandma's kids? That could have factored into her thinking.
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