Processing grief and complicated family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

No, that is not what the situation is saying.

Also, the word "weird" is subjective and means nothing.

Then why give one grandchild a large amount of money and give the others no money at all? What do you think the reason is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

No, that is not what the situation is saying.

Also, the word "weird" is subjective and means nothing.

Then why give one grandchild a large amount of money and give the others no money at all? What do you think the reason is?

And how would you feel if your relative did this and you were the one who thought you were close and then got nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

wait - I thought both your dads died when young and I thought they were the kids of your grandma. now I am realizing I don't know that. were either of your dads your grandma's kids? or were your moms the kids of your grandma and were they still alive?

I hope you realize that if your cousin was the descendant of one of your grandma's kids and that kid was dead before grandma, it makes sense for the portion to go to the kid's kid.

can you clarify this point for us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if your cousin did just get her dad's share. If it were me, I would reach out to the lawyer who drafted the will and see if they will tell you. The worst they can say is"no." You won't be the first person who asked. I understand why you feel hurt and confused- might be worth one phone call.

potential heirs are generally entitled to see estate work.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,
I've spent the past few years reconciling myself to the fact that my mother will leave me nothing.
She will leave most of her estate to the children who have been clawing at her since high school.
I, on the other hand, received huge grants from academic institutions, married a generous man, had great kids, suffered my way into adulthood without her help and did a lot of home improvement for her over the years.
It does not feel fair but nothing is fair. Wills are emotional expressions and people (especially women), need to feel needed.
My family poverty made me try to be self-sufficient. For my siblings, it made them more desparate for anything they could get. And my mother responded to that in kind.

Somehow we are deludeded by this idea that things are equitable. The government tries to be equitable. When it comes to elders with emotional complexity, nothing is ever equitable.
If they were not equitable in life, they will not be in their death.
This goes to show why jury selection is such an important process. There is so much bias out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

wait - I thought both your dads died when young and I thought they were the kids of your grandma. now I am realizing I don't know that. were either of your dads your grandma's kids? or were your moms the kids of your grandma and were they still alive?

I hope you realize that if your cousin was the descendant of one of your grandma's kids and that kid was dead before grandma, it makes sense for the portion to go to the kid's kid.

can you clarify this point for us?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this wasn't a case of her getting her dad's portion while your mom got your dad's portion, OP you have every right to feel resentment. I don't find the posts helpful that tell you it's just money and she can do as she pleases or encouraging you to get over it. You are allowed to have your feelings. Let them flow, process them until you are ready to truly decide you are ready for radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is deciding yes this was rude, unfair, ridiculous, awful and you wish it didn't happen, BUT, you will accept it and move forward.

I had something similar but different where I truly felt used. I take the high road and don't show it to anyone, but I feel it. I almost wonder if people take for granted the person there for them the most. It still stings sometimes, and I allow the feelings to flow but not take over. I do feel like life rewards me to make up for it. Like in the few years since it happened, I got an unexpected raise and a bonus, and so did my husband.

People will tell you it's not about the money, and shame you for feeling hurt, but you are allowed to feel hurt when people do this. It's like going up to a group of little kids and giving big delicious cookies to just one of them and giving the rest of them each a cheerio, then telling the others to suck it up and it's not about the cookie. If nobody got a cookie there would no issue, but if you are giving out cookies, you do it fairly! Don't tell me maybe one kid is hungrier, and she assumed one kid hates cookies.

+1.

But try to put this behind you because you have no option. And it is also possible she lost her marbles and intended to treat you special but mistakenly gave the cousin 75k. Who knows ? She is gone now, so the answer will never come.

This is why people need to explain uneven outcomes in wills. When you love your family you don't wish your death to create confusion and hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

Let me explain this to you.

I have 6 siblings. One is dead and divorced before death.

My parents estate was split 6 ways... 5 parts went to me and my siblings and the 6th portion when to my dead siblings children. That is the way estates work.

So your cousin got their father's portion. You did not get your father's portion because he never divorced your mom.

You don’t know if that is the situation or not. If it is, I think OP could’ve figured that out already.

Many people don’t understand that wills are frequently written that the children inherit “per stirpes” which means that if one of the beneficiaries has predeceased the parent, the children of the beneficiary who died receive his amount. This is a very common way that wills are written, but I’ve talked to a number of people over the years who are not aware of it. The OP might not realize that her cousin simply received her dead parent’s portion, not a special amount that the grandmother gave to her but not to any of the other cousins.

OP, is this a possible explanation? Please come back and let us know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but I think there must have been more of a bond with the cousin than you realized.

That said, I would have felt just like you. Very hurt. If it were me, I would try to find some reasoning as to the connection that you didn't realize with GM and C. Then move on. This is the sort of thing that could derail me for a period of time. (I am not proud to type that, but hope it might be helpful.)

Feeling hurt in this situation is perfectly normal. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all long to be loved and cherished. Since we cannot see inside people's hearts, tangible actions such as leaving money behind, help reinforce these feelings. Like OP said, it would be different if there was no money for cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

Let me explain this to you.

I have 6 siblings. One is dead and divorced before death.

My parents estate was split 6 ways... 5 parts went to me and my siblings and the 6th portion when to my dead siblings children. That is the way estates work.

So your cousin got their father's portion. You did not get your father's portion because he never divorced your mom.

You don’t know if that is the situation or not. If it is, I think OP could’ve figured that out already.

Many people don’t understand that wills are frequently written that the children inherit “per stirpes” which means that if one of the beneficiaries has predeceased the parent, the children of the beneficiary who died receive his amount. This is a very common way that wills are written, but I’ve talked to a number of people over the years who are not aware of it. The OP might not realize that her cousin simply received her dead parent’s portion, not a special amount that the grandmother gave to her but not to any of the other cousins.

OP, is this a possible explanation? Please come back and let us know.

I am hoping for OP's saje that this is the case. OP, please let us know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

Let me explain this to you.

I have 6 siblings. One is dead and divorced before death.

My parents estate was split 6 ways... 5 parts went to me and my siblings and the 6th portion when to my dead siblings children. That is the way estates work.

So your cousin got their father's portion. You did not get your father's portion because he never divorced your mom.

You don’t know if that is the situation or not. If it is, I think OP could’ve figured that out already.

Many people don’t understand that wills are frequently written that the children inherit “per stirpes” which means that if one of the beneficiaries has predeceased the parent, the children of the beneficiary who died receive his amount. This is a very common way that wills are written, but I’ve talked to a number of people over the years who are not aware of it. The OP might not realize that her cousin simply received her dead parent’s portion, not a special amount that the grandmother gave to her but not to any of the other cousins.

OP, is this a possible explanation? Please come back and let us know.

+1 to all of the above.

Per stirpes definition from the article linked below:

“Basically, per stirpes distribution means that your estate is divided into as many shares as you have children. For example, if you have three kids, your estate is divided into thirds and given to your children equally.

If one of your children dies before you, and if they had kids of their own, then your estate is still divided into thirds, and your grandchildren inherit their parent’s share.”

https://atlantislaw.com/per-stirpes-definition/

[Anonymous]

OP here. Our mothers are sisters. This is another reason why it makes no sense. Obviously if there was a deceased child of my grandmother’s, the living grandchild would inherit, but that’s not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our mothers are sisters. This is another reason why it makes no sense. Obviously if there was a deceased child of my grandmother’s, the living grandchild would inherit, but that’s not the case here.

Thanks for clarifying, OP.

The situation sucks. Sorry you are feeling hurt.

[Anonymous]

I’d let it go. Consider therapy to process your resentment & feelings.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

No, that is not what the situation is saying.

Also, the word "weird" is subjective and means nothing.

Then why give one grandchild a large amount of money and give the others no money at all? What do you think the reason is?

If the Last Will & Testament was written with the term "per stirpes", as most are, then it means that if one of the listed beneficiaries (an uncle in this case) has died and that there is no spouse the asset bequeathed goes down the line to their direct descendants (their child or OP's cousin in this case). This is a basic estate planning concept and a very common approach when writing a Will.