Processing grief and complicated family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

Clearly she felt her relationship with that grandchild (your cousin) was more special than the one you had with her. You felt more for her than she did for you. It happens; it happened with me and my mother - no matter what I did - my brother was always the favorite. (He has a penis and she’s sexist). My job in her eyes is to kill myself looking after everyone but to give all the credit to the men - just like she did. Sad. And I’m changing the dynamics with my kids. My advice is to let this be a learning lesson and don’t repeat her mistakes - that’s all you can control- your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had something similar happen with my grandma, and the disparity was much bigger and I was the only one discriminated against. I understand how you feel, OP. I tell myself that I never had a claim on her money, it was always hers to begin with, and she did whatever she wanted to do with it. It is hurtful for sure, but there is nothing you can do about it. I think it's one of those things you will need to let go of. You didn't show her affection to inherit her money. It was freely given. Think of letting it go and forgiving her as your last act of affection and kindness toward her.

+1
Life is not fair and it’s not meant to be.

God wasn’t “fair” to his children either - I’m a short female and wasn’t gifted the ability to be an NFL football player. My brothers baby was “gifted” with cancer - that’s not fair either. These things just simply aren’t within our control - we can be upset but that solves nothing.

[Anonymous]

If she got her parents’ portion, then this totally makes sense to me. If not, then this makes no sense, but you weren’t singled out here. For some reason she wanted the cousin to have a bunch of money that she didn’t want to give to the other cousins — of which there are many.

[Anonymous]

My condolences for the loss of your grandmother.

You write that your cousin was close to your grandma, but not as close as you. Maybe they were closer than you think? It's difficult to know the truth about the relationship between other people, even those you know well.

Cherish the memories of your grandma, and be happy that you had such a good relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If 14 cousins (you included) just got a "thing", and only one cousin got money, then you were not singled out. Maybe there's a history you don't know about (a loan?). Given that she divided equally among her children and also grandchildren (if leaving out this strange amount to one grandchild), then she seems to have thought things through.

I am wondering this as well. Like maybe that cousin did work for her or loaned her money. Who knows. You weren't singled out.

OP, have you actually seen a copy of the will and trust?

It's pretty normal for grandkids not to inherit anything. I did not inherit anything from my grandparents and did not care. Well, actually, a similar thing happened to me as one of the poster's cousins above. My grandmother did not update her will when I was born and so I did not get jewelry and other cousins did. That kinda sucks, but whatever, she was old.

What I find odd about your situation is that usually a will would be written to divide everything among the kids, but if a kid (like your dad) is dead, then the dead kid's kids - in this case you - get their portion. Honestly, it sounds like she just did not have a good estate attorney. Or maybe since you mention getting family support as you grew up - maybe your grandma gave more money to your side of the family to help because your dad was dead? So she felt like she gave the inheritance during life? Who knows.

Anyway, this is not a life changing amount of money. If she'd split equally among all the grandkids, or even all the grandkids she was in touch with, it'd be a lot less than the 75k. It would not have changed your life. And god knows how that will got written. What sort of shape she was in, if she even understood it, if the cousin who inherited influenced her. What I can tell you is the amount you'd pay to a lawyer fighting it might be less than what you'd get AND would be emotionally distressing.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, sort of, in the aspect of post Mortem affection ranking. I was so close to my grandmother (there are 35 of us) and as an adult regularly called, wrote etc. At her funeral, my father leaned over to my cousin who was incommunicado for 15 years and stage whispered with a wink “you were her favorite”. Ouch.

[Anonymous]

Assuming this wasn't a case of her getting her dad's portion while your mom got your dad's portion, OP you have every right to feel resentment. I don't find the posts helpful that tell you it's just money and she can do as she pleases or encouraging you to get over it. You are allowed to have your feelings. Let them flow, process them until you are ready to truly decide you are ready for radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is deciding yes this was rude, unfair, ridiculous, awful and you wish it didn't happen, BUT, you will accept it and move forward.

I had something similar but different where I truly felt used. I take the high road and don't show it to anyone, but I feel it. I almost wonder if people take for granted the person there for them the most. It still stings sometimes, and I allow the feelings to flow but not take over. I do feel like life rewards me to make up for it. Like in the few years since it happened, I got an unexpected raise and a bonus, and so did my husband.

People will tell you it's not about the money, and shame you for feeling hurt, but you are allowed to feel hurt when people do this. It's like going up to a group of little kids and giving big delicious cookies to just one of them and giving the rest of them each a cheerio, then telling the others to suck it up and it's not about the cookie. If nobody got a cookie there would no issue, but if you are giving out cookies, you do it fairly! Don't tell me maybe one kid is hungrier, and she assumed one kid hates cookies.

[Anonymous]

I was also very close to my grandmother and did a lot for her, including weekly visits. When she passed I had hopes for a token of recognition for all my efforts, yes freely given, but pull your heads out people money is the way we show appreciation in this world. I was left nothing and it’s fine. I just wanted her to make a public show of acknowledgment that I was as special to her as she was to me, that’s the underlying feeling. She was a product of her time, my efforts were what she expected a female to give her and I’m sure it never occurred to her it was worth acknowledging. Still, it’s hurtful and those that are dismissive of your feelings can get bent. They’re valid.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your cousin did just get her dad's share. If it were me, I would reach out to the lawyer who drafted the will and see if they will tell you. The worst they can say is"no." You won't be the first person who asked. I understand why you feel hurt and confused- might be worth one phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Please detach the money people receive from the affection your Grandmother had for each of you. They are separate.

I know it's hard to understand. My family had a quarter century inheritance lawsuit and multiple accusations of theft from my Grandfather's will. Apparently certain of my relatives didn't like that I inherited more than my younger cousins, because they were not born when he died. My aunt took jewelry that my Grandmother wanted me to have, because her kid didn't get as much from the will, or for whatever reason, no idea.

With time, things will become less painful.

Thank you. I’m actually finding that with time, I’m growing MORE resentful. My cousin already inherited a house when her father passed away and is quite set financially. My friends keep telling me it’s probably because she knew I could hold my own, and didn’t “need” help, that she didn’t leave money to me. As if I would have squandered it or something. It would have been a blessing.

But its not reality and it never was, so you can't think about what ifs.

Your grandmother wrote her will according to her perceptions of need, not after an analysis of "closesness", which is relative anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably made that will years ago when the situation was different than it is now. It may have reflected her best intentions and understanding of her family's needs at that time.

It was revised just last year.

You need to check state law where she lived. Maybe this cousin was legally entitled to that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel that way. Maybe she was proud of you and knew you didn’t need it. Curious what the rest of her will says- does the rest go to Charity?

No. $75k went to one cousin, the rest split equally between her six children. There are about 15 cousins, and we were each willed a “thing”, if we wanted it (someone got a gun, for example) other than the one cousin who got a the money. None of my cousins were close with grandma, many didn’t even speak to her. The cousin who got money was close, but not as close as me.

So that cousin’s parents was one of the six children that got an equal amount? Plus that cousin got the 75,000.?

Is there a complicated situation with those parents?

Nothing more complicated than my upbringing, if that’s what you mean. Complicated divorce, her dad ended up dying when she was young. My dad also died when I was young. We both grew up with equal familial support. In all honesty, I never really made the comparison until right now. We lived almost lived the same life.

Let me explain this to you.

I have 6 siblings. One is dead and divorced before death.

My parents estate was split 6 ways... 5 parts went to me and my siblings and the 6th portion when to my dead siblings children. That is the way estates work.

So your cousin got their father's portion. You did not get your father's portion because he never divorced your mom.

You don’t know if that is the situation or not. If it is, I think OP could’ve figured that out already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I think there must have been more of a bond with the cousin than you realized.

That said, I would have felt just like you. Very hurt. If it were me, I would try to find some reasoning as to the connection that you didn't realize with GM and C. Then move on. This is the sort of thing that could derail me for a period of time. (I am not proud to type that, but hope it might be helpful.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a complicated inheritance situation, OP. You didn’t inherit. Nor were you expecting to inherit. Nor were you entitled to inherit. It’s actually kind of gross that had you not known about the ONE cousin (and you don’t actually know anything about the situation) you would’ve been perfectly content and missing your grandmother, but now you’re talking yourself into a worldview in which she “owed” you for your affection.

I think almost anyone in OP’s place would feel hurt by this. It’s actually kind of weird if someone had this happen to them and didn’t feel hurt, even if they don’t need the money. It’s about the feelings and thought process that went into leaving $75,000 to just 1/15 cousins and a random, not sentimental piece of jewelry to the other 14/15 cousins. That is hurtful no matter your financial situation. It’s like saying you value the relationship with one grandchild more than the others.

No, that is not what the situation is saying.

Also, the word "weird" is subjective and means nothing.